E376 The Three Skills That Predict Marriage Success and Intimacy

This week I share the fastest way I can tell whether a couple will make progress, and it has little to do with how messy the problems look. I break down the E.V.A framework, three ingredients that turn stuck fights into real intimacy: empathy, vulnerability, and accountability. 

• how repeating arguments form a painful loop of pursuit and shutdown 
• why “communicate better” advice fails without the right emotional foundation 
• what empathy actually sounds like and why it is not agreement 
• how to find the softer truth under anger, sarcasm, and criticism 
• why “underneath complaints are always requests” changes everything 
• how accountability ends defensiveness and scorekeeping 
• three self-check questions to review your last argument 
• a simple weekly challenge: pick one E.V.A skill and practice it 

If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love? Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little hope today.

Transcript

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Why Progress Is Predictable

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I can usually tell within the first few minutes of talking with a couple whether or not we're going to make progress. And it has almost nothing to do with how bad their problems are. I've worked with couples dealing with resentment, sexless marriages, years of disconnection, broken trust, and some really painful betrayals. And sometimes I'm sitting there thinking, they're going to be okay. Then I've worked with couples whose problems seem much smaller from the outside. And I'm much more concerned about whether or not they're going to make it. What's the difference? There are three things I'm looking for. And if they're present, even imperfectly, I have a tremendous amount of hope for the couple. I call them Eva: empathy, vulnerability, and accountability. They are the three ingredients required for intimacy. And today I want to show you why these three things might tell me more about the future of your marriage than all of the problems you're currently facing. Welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner. And if you love your spouse, but you keep finding yourselves having the same arguments, feeling more like roommates than lovers, or wondering why marriage feels harder than you expect it, then you're in the right place. Every week we'll challenge bad marriage advice, unpack what's really happening beneath the surface, and give you practical tools to build a marriage where you feel like intimate best friends, passionate partners, and an unstoppable team. Because happily ever after isn't something you find, it's something you build. Let's get started.

The Three Ingredients Of Intimacy

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Let me tell you about a couple I worked with recently. I'm going to change the details because obviously I want to protect my client's privacy. But they came to me after years of essentially having the same argument over and over and over again. There were different circumstances, different words, but the same argument. She felt really alone in their marriage. He felt like nothing he ever did was enough for her. So she would push harder to get him to understand. And the harder she pushed, the more defensive he became. Then he would shut down, which made her feel even more alone. So she pushed harder, and around and around they would go. This dynamic showed up in every aspect of their marriage. Sound familiar to anyone? At one point, I remember her saying something like, I don't understand why this is so difficult. I just want him to care that I'm hurting. And he immediately responded, I do care, but you make me sound like I'm this terrible husband who never does anything right. Now, here's where it gets interesting. Because they were both telling the truth according to what they understood. She wasn't trying to tell him he was a terrible husband. She was trying to tell him, I'm hurting. Please come to my aid. And he was not trying to abandon her, but he kept hearing you're failing again. So he was protecting himself against that accusation, and she was protecting herself against pain. This is the kind of moment where couples usually start arguing about who's right. And as a coach, I don't care who's right. I'm watching for something else. What I'm ultimately watching for is Eva. Can you access some empathy? Can you risk being vulnerable? And can you take accountability for your part of that dynamic? Because if we can get those three things into the room, then we have somewhere to go. This is why I sometimes get really frustrated with standard communicate better type advice. Not because communication tools are not helpful. They are. I teach them, but they don't come first because you can know every single communication technique in the world and still have a miserable conversation. You can use I statements while still being incredibly passive-aggressive. I feel like you're a jerk. That's technically an I statement, and it's also not helpful. You can memorize all the perfect phrases and you can know exactly how to validate. You can have the script down pat. But if underneath your words you're still thinking, how do I get this person to admit that I'm right, your spouse will feel it. The words matter, yes. But what's happening underneath those words matters more. And that's where Eva comes in.

Empathy Before You Defend

SPEAKER_01 4:55

The E and Eva stands for empathy. Empathy is my willingness to enter your experience without immediately making it about mine. That's harder than it sounds. It does take practice because imagine your spouse says you've been on your phone constantly lately, and I feel like you don't even want to spend time with me. What happens inside of you when your spouse says that? Maybe your immediate thought is, are you kidding me? I've been working. What I'm doing is important. Or you were on your phone all day yesterday. Or even nothing I ever do is enough for you. That's normal. I've been there. Your brain starts building your defense before your spouse even finishes their sentence. And empathy asks you to do something different. Empathy says, before I explain myself, I want to be curious and understand your experience. Tell me more about that. When do you feel that the most? Help me understand what it's been like for you to try and talk to me when I'm on my phone. Notice that empathy does not require you to agree with them. That's huge. You're not admitting guilt, and you're not saying that their experience is right. You're just trying to understand it first. You can believe that your spouse's interpretation is completely different than yours and still understand why it makes sense from where they're sitting. Ben and I have had to learn this over and over and over again, especially when it comes to the phone. We are very different people. And there have been many times when I've wanted him to understand my perspective so badly that I stopped being curious about his. And that's not empathy. It's easy to do, but it's persuasion wearing a cute little empathy costume. Real empathy says, I don't need your experience to match mine before I care about it. When your spouse feels genuinely understood, something changes. Their nervous system settles down. They stop fighting quite so hard to prove their point because they feel heard.

Vulnerability Under The Complaint

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Once empathy is present, then it's time for some vulnerability. Here's where things get good. Because underneath almost every ugly thing we say in the middle of an argument that we wish we could take back, there's almost always something much softer. Under you never want sex anymore, it might actually mean I miss feeling wanted by you. Under you care more about your work than your family is really just I'm lonely and I miss you. What about fine? Do whatever you want. Underneath that is I'm worried that what I want doesn't matter to you. Vulnerability is scary. Certainty is safer. Anger, criticism, sarcasm, those are the things we use to protect us. Vulnerability is very exposing. And that's why it's so freaking hard. It's so much easier to accuse your partner of not being affectionate than to say, I really want you to reach for me. Because when you make a vulnerable request, your partner can say no. And that hurts. It's so much easier to say, we don't do anything fun anymore, than to say, I miss hanging out with you. Because I miss you reveals that softer part of us. And this is something I see so much with the couples I work with. They come in arguing about behavior. And underneath those behaviors are really longings. Underneath complaints are always requests. I want to feel important to you. I want to feel wanted by you. I want to know that I matter to you. I want to feel chosen by you. I want to know that you still like me. And sometimes when we listen to the more vulnerable parts of ourselves, the whole conversation changes. When somebody is brave enough to stop arguing from that protected place and start telling the truth that's underneath it. So here's something I want you to start noticing this week. When you're really irritated with your spouse, I want you to ask yourself, what's really underneath there? What am I longing for or really wanting? Not why are they so annoying or fill in the blank, but what's underneath there that I really want? Am I disappointed? Am I embarrassed? Am I scared? And do I feel lonely? Am I missing something? Did I feel rejected? Did I want something and just not know how to ask for it? Because vulnerability does not mean we dump all of our emotions on our spouse. It's being honest about what's really going on inside of us. And that requires that we look at it first. So that's your challenge.

Accountability Ends Scorekeeping

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Okay, this one might be my favorite because once we've shown empathy and we're able to tap into that vulnerability, that's when accountability really starts to show up. Accountability means I'm willing to look at my part before I obsess over yours. Not because everything is my fault, and not because your behavior doesn't matter, but because my behavior is the only thing I can actually control. I've watched conversations completely transform because somebody said, You're right. I did do that. And that's it. There was no but, no closing argument, no evidence entered into the record. Just you're right. I'm sorry. I can see how that hurt you. I did get defensive. I wasn't listening. I did say that hurtful thing. I have been distant. I should have told you what I needed instead of expecting you to just know. Do you see how powerful that is? Because defensiveness keeps people stuck in who's right and who's wrong, who's guilty and who's innocent, who started it, who did it worse. Where accountability says, I don't need to win this because I just want our marriage to be better. That's a completely different goal. And this is one of the biggest things I've learned in my own marriage. I only have 100% control over one thing, and that's me, which is occasionally very inconvenient, but most of the time really empowering. Because obviously there's been moments where I would have preferred to have 100% control over him, but that's not actually how relationships work. I know. It's super frustrating, but it's also freeing. My power lives in my own accountability. How I show up, what I say, what I choose to take responsibility for, what I ask for, what I choose to do next. That's accountability. And that's really powerful. So let's get back to that couple I was telling you about at the beginning. She's saying, I just want him to care about me. And he's saying, nothing I do is ever enough for you. Remember those guys? Eventually, we slowed the whole thing down. Instead of defending himself all the time, he was able to just get curious. It was an uphill battle. But he started to understand that when she was complaining, underneath that, she was feeling really lonely. That's where his empathy kicked in. And instead of saying, you never care about me, she started practicing saying, I miss you and I want to feel close to you. That's vulnerable. And then they both started focusing more on their side of the dynamic. She would start saying, I get scared when I feel disconnected, and then I start coming after you. And he would say, and when I feel criticized, I just want to get away from you. They both started taking accountability for what they were putting into the dynamic. Now, noticed, we haven't actually solved all of their problems. They're still going to get in disagreements. They're still going to feel disconnected at times. They're still going to be triggered by things. They're still human, just like every one of us. But now they're not fighting over who the bad guy is. Now they're fighting for the relationship. They're both solving the problem of disconnection instead of solving the problem of who's more wrong. Now,

Three Questions After Any Fight

SPEAKER_01 14:08

here's the real test. I want you to think about the last argument you had with your spouse. For some of us, it wasn't that long ago. It doesn't have to be the biggest fight you've ever had, just the most recent one. Now I want you to ask yourself three questions. Are you ready? Was I curious about my spouse's experience? Because that's the empathy part. Number two, did I tell them what was really happening underneath my reaction? That's vulnerability. And number three, did I own my part before pointing out theirs? That's accountability. Don't manage your partner here. I just want you to think about you. I know it's tempting. You only get to score yourself as you answer these questions because that's where your power is. That's what you can control. And maybe you're realizing, oh, I'm actually pretty good at empathy, but vulnerability terrifies me. Or you might be thinking, I can be vulnerable, but the second my partner criticizes me, accountability goes right out the window. Good. I want you to be aware of which one of these three is the hardest for you, because that's what you'll need to practice. So here's what I'm giving you to work on this week. I want to make it really, really simple. You don't need to master all three of the Eva ingredients right this minute. I want you to pick one empathy, vulnerability, or accountability. And then the next time you feel any kind of tension in your relationship, I want you to focus on the one that you chose. Maybe having more empathy sounds like, tell me more about that. Vulnerability might sound like something softer, a request, a longing, and accountability will sound like you're right. I did do that. And that's it. One tiny change this week. Then I want you to notice how the conversation changes. Because great marriages are not ones where the couples never trigger each other. Great marriages are the ones when two imperfect people get better at finding their way back to intimacy. And Eva is what gives us the map back. Make

Next Week Teaser And Share

SPEAKER_01 16:29

sure you join us next week because we're gonna go from coaching to Hollywood. Next week, I'm going to be taking on four words that might be the most romantic and potentially the most damaging words we've ever heard about love. You may have guessed it. You complete me. That's three words. Next week, we're gonna talk about my reaction to that Jerry Maguire scene that got a lot of people talking on Instagram. And there was one argument in there that I just can't stop thinking about because it gets to the heart of what we expect our spouse to be responsible for. That's where we're going next week. So make sure you join us same time, same place. And until then, happy marriaging. Before you go, remember this happily ever after doesn't happen by accident. It's something you build one intentional choice at a time. If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love? Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little hope to anybody. Thanks for being here, and until next time, keep building your happily ever after.