S6 E375: Turning Hot Takes Into Deeper Marriage Truths

I'm kicking off Season 6 by turning Instagram comments and real marriage questions into deeper conversations about what actually builds a strong relationship. I'm sharing what Ben and I have learned about disagreement, repair, fun, trust, and why an extraordinary marriage doesn’t require perfection. 

• the Season 6 format shift from reels to long-form depth 
• why “You complete me” can create unhealthy expectations 
• how to disagree without destroying safety 
• patterns I see in coaching like resentment disguised as sex issues 
• choosing accountability and curiosity over fixing your spouse 
• bringing back flirting, play, attraction and sex 
• facing betrayal, broken trust, loneliness and emotional shutdown with real skills 

If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love? Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little love today. 

Transcript

A Marriage Doesn’t Need Perfection

SPEAKER_01 0:00

And that's what I want you to know. Most of all, as we start this season, you do not need a perfect marriage to have an extraordinary one.

Welcome And What We Build Here

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner. And if you love your spouse, but you keep finding yourselves having the same arguments, feeling more like roommates than lovers, or wondering why marriage feels harder than you expect it, and you're in the right place. Every week we'll challenge bad marriage advice, unpack what's really happening beneath the surface, and give you practical tools to build a marriage where you feel like intimate best friends, passionate partners, and an unstoppable team. Because happily ever after isn't something you find, it's something you build. Let's get started.

Why Season Six Changes

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Hello and welcome to season six. This season is going to be different. I've been thinking about this season for a long time. And I want to tell you right now, it's gonna be so good. And there's a reason for that.

Instagram Comments Become The Agenda

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Something pretty wild has happened in my life over the last couple of months as I took a break from the podcast. I've been posting a lot more on Instagram. I've been doing reaction videos, yaps, marriage hot takes, things Ben and I do right, and things we've gotten wrong. Also, things I've learned from working with my couples in coaching. And some of those videos have reached hundreds and thousands of people, which has been really fun and exciting. But here's the part I wasn't expecting. The most interesting thing hasn't been the views. It's been what's happening in the comments. Because all of a sudden, hundreds or thousands of you are telling me what you actually think about marriage. You're disagreeing with me, you're agreeing with me, you're tagging your partner and your friends, you're asking me questions, you're telling me what you're fighting about, you're telling me what you wish your spouse understood more of. You're telling me what's working, and sometimes you're telling me things that make me want to grab the microphone and immediately say, okay, we need to talk about this. And that's exactly what we're gonna be doing this season because there's only so much I can say in a little 60 or 90 minute video clip. Sometimes I'll post something and then spend the next three days thinking, wait, there is so much more to this. Or someone will leave a comment that makes me realize we've hit on something really important and much bigger than the original clip. So then I thought, what if Instagram became just the beginning of the conversation? And then the podcast is where we really get to dive deep and finish it. And that's when I knew exactly what I wanted season six to become. I want this season to be a conversation. I don't want to just spend it sitting behind the microphone deciding what I think you might want to hear about. I want to talk about what's keeping you up at night, the posts you're sharing with your spouse, the questions you're leaving in my DMs, the comments you're sending me, the conversations that are blowing up, because half of you think I'm right, and the other half thinks I've lost my mind. We're gonna bring those conversations here, and we're gonna have enough time to actually explore all of these concepts.

The Problem With “You Complete Me”

SPEAKER_01 3:39

For example, I recently reacted to this iconic scene in Jerry Maguire. You know the one. You complete me. It's one of the most romantic lines in movie history. And I basically showed up and said, Yeah, I don't really love it. Because as romantic as it sounds, I don't ever want my husband to have to complete me. And I don't want the responsibility of having to complete him. That reel did really well. But more importantly, people had thoughts about it. And I loved the discussion because there's a much bigger conversation underneath those four words, you complete me? What happens when I start making you responsible for my happiness? What happens when I expect you to heal all of my insecurities? What happens when I think, if you really loved me, you wouldn't do this or feel this way? What happens when two people enter a marriage believing that finding the right person will finally make them whole? That deserves more than 90 seconds. So we're gonna talk about it here on the podcast. Because I even wrote an entire chapter about this in my book, Bad Marriage Advice, and even that wasn't enough. My thoughts about all of it have changed even since I wrote that book last year. There are so many ideas we've been taught about marriage that sound really romantic, but they don't always create really healthy relationships. And we're gonna go there this season. You're probably gonna disagree with me sometimes. In fact, I'm hoping that there's episodes this season where you disagree with me. I mean that because I don't want this to be a podcast where Monica just tells you seven things that make your marriage better. I don't think marriage actually works like that.

Disagreeing Without Losing Connection

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Ben and I are different. And I don't mean the cute little different. I mean we are very different from each other. We're both very passionate about the things we believe in. We can both have very strong opinions about very different things. And earlier in our marriage, I was much more likely to be the fixer. I always wanted everything to be okay. If there was tension, I wanted to get rid of it as soon as I could. If we disagreed, I wanted to make sure everyone could be happy again. And one of the things I had to learn in my own marriage is that being deeply connected to someone does not require me to agree with them. Sometimes loving Ben well means standing firmly in what I believe and allowing him to do the same. We've learned how to disagree. We've learned how to respect each other's differences, we've learned how to repair, and most importantly, we've learned how to return to each other. And I actually love that about my marriage. I don't want to be in a marriage where neither of us ever makes the other uncomfortable. I want a marriage strong enough to hold two whole people. And that's the kind of nuance I want us to explore here. Not here are three phrases that guarantee you'll never fight again. You will fight again. I want to talk about what do we do when we fight? How do you disagree without destroying safety? How do you stand up for yourself without turning your spouse into the enemy? How do you repair when you've said something you wish you hadn't? How do you come back together when you genuinely do not see eye to eye? Those are the conversations I care about having here on the

What Coaching Reveals About Patterns

SPEAKER_01 7:27

podcast. I also want to bring in what I'm seeing with my clients because my coaching practice is busting at the seams. And obviously, I'm going to protect my client's privacy. I'll change identifying details and sometimes combine pieces of different stories. But I want to bring you into the room with me because there are moments in coaching where I watch something click for a couple and I think, I wish every married person could understand this. I wish I could bring out publicly what happens in these private rooms with me. I've watched couples walked in convinced that their problem was all about sex and discover it was actually resentment. I've watched couples come in thinking they needed better communication when what they actually needed was more emotional safety. I've watched someone come into a session absolutely certain that their spouse was the problem, and then have this incredible moment of accountability where they suddenly saw their own part in the dance. And that's when things can start to change. There are patterns I see over and over and over again. And I want you to start seeing them too. Because here's what I want to happen when you're listening to this season. I want you to be driving in your car or folding laundry or walking your dog and suddenly go, oh, that's what we're doing. Or wait, that's what my spouse has been trying to tell me. Or maybe, oh crap, I do do that. Those moments are so incredibly powerful because once you see a pattern, you finally have the opportunity to change

Stop Fixing Your Spouse Start Owning

SPEAKER_01 9:10

it. It's never about fixing your spouse. You're probably gonna see this theme underneath almost everything we talk about this season. It's something I come back to constantly. The only person you have 100% control over is you, which is both incredibly annoying and unbelievably empowering because I know how tempting it is to listen to a marriage podcast and think, oh my gosh, my spouse needs to hear this. And sometimes maybe they do, so send them the episode. But I also want us to get really good at asking, where am I in this? What can I own? What could I understand better? What can I ask for more clearly? Where are my expectations unreasonable? Where am I withholding? Where am I keeping score? Where could I be more curious? Where could I take accountability? Where could I love this person better? That's where your power is. And you're gonna hear me come back to that again and again.

Fun Again Flirting Sex Play

SPEAKER_01 10:18

We're also gonna talk about the fun stuff because I don't want you to think that this whole season is going to be let me examine our childhood wounds. Because one of the things I believe deeply is that marriage should actually be fun. I want us talking about flirting, date nights, sex, play, attraction, adventure, and how to actually enjoy each other again. I want you to stop acting like efficient coworkers because I don't just want you to have a marriage of mutual toleration. I want you to like the person you're doing life with. I want you to flirt with them. I want you to have inside jokes with them. I want you to reach for their hand. I want you to have things that you're looking forward to together. I want you to be curious about each other. And yes, I want you to have sex that you both enjoy. Because one of the things I see happening to really good couples is that life gets efficient, managing the kids and work, the laundry, appointments, sports, bill, dinner, errands. And somewhere in the middle of building this beautiful life together, they stop enjoying each other. We're gonna talk about that a

Trust Betrayal Resentment And Repair

SPEAKER_01 11:40

lot. We're going to talk about the hard stuff too: betrayal, broken trust, resentment, loneliness, desire discrepancies, emotional shutdown. What happens when one spouse wants to work on the relationship and the other one doesn't? What happens when you really love someone and you're also really, really angry with them? What happens when you've hurt each other? Because I don't believe strong marriages are the ones where nothing hard happens. Strong marriages are the ones who learn what to do with the hard things. And some of the questions you've been sending me lately are hard. I've recently had people asking about rebuilding intimacy after betrayal. And my answer was, we don't start with rebuilding intimacy after betrayal. We have to start with safety and trust. And then somebody asked, okay, but how do you rebuild trust when it's already been broken? And that's going to be a podcast episode. Because there isn't a cute little 30-second answer to that question. Rebuilding trust requires accountability. It requires understanding what happened. It requires genuine remorse. And it requires changed behavior consistently over time. And most of the time, that old version of the relationship has to die so that something stronger can be built in its place. Those are the conversations I don't want to rush. And now we have a great place

Send Questions And Join The Conversation

SPEAKER_01 13:09

for them. I want you in on this season, which brings me to maybe the part I'm most excited about. I need your input. If you disagree with something I say, tell me. If Ben and I do something that you're wondering about, ask if there's something happening in your marriage and you keep thinking, I wonder what Monica would say about that. I want to know. You can find me on Instagram at Moni TalksMarriage, leave a comment, send me a DM, or email me Moni at MonicaTanner.com. And you might hear your question on the next episode of the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. You can absolutely ask your questions anonymously too, because I want to know what's actually happening in your marriages. What are you struggling with? What are you curious about? What do you wish somebody would just talk about? Let's talk

What I Hope You Hear This Season

SPEAKER_01 14:16

about it. Here's what I really hope happens over the course of season six. I hope you get to know me better. Not just Monica the marriage coach, but the real me. You're gonna hear stories about Ben and I. You're gonna hear how we fight, how we flirt, the things we do wrong, and the things we do right. You're gonna learn about what we're still figuring out because I'm not interested in pretending like we have the perfect marriage, because we don't. But I really, really love the marriage we've built together. And after all these years together, we're still figuring it out. And I think that's the point. I also want you to hear what's possible because I get a front row seat every day to couples changing the things they thought they couldn't change. I've watched resentment soften. I've watched people learn to ask for what they want instead of criticizing what they're not getting. I've watched couples rediscover friendship and reignite passion. I've watched partners become curious about each other again. I've watched trust get rebuilt. I've watched people finally take responsibility for things they've been blaming on someone else for years. And I want to bring some of that hope here to the podcast because I'm not just a hopeless romantic. And I'm not gonna tell you that you should just go on more dates and everything will be alright. I want you to have real hope, the kind that comes from knowing. There are things you can learn, there are skills you can practice, there are patterns you can change, there are conversations you can have differently. And here's what's coming. Over

Big Topics Coming Next

SPEAKER_01 16:06

the next few episodes, we're gonna tackle some big ones. We're gonna talk about why I think you complete me is literally the worst sentiment ever. We're going to talk about why I hate the word compromise. We're gonna talk about what really happens when your spouse shuts down, and we're gonna talk about why if they loved me, they would just know creates so much disappointment. We're gonna talk about emotional safety, we're gonna talk about support, we're gonna add in some flirting and some sex, resentment, repair, trust, and some of the marriage advice we need to throw out. I'm also bringing some incredible guests to add to these conversations, but mostly I want this podcast to be a place where we can go deeper. Instagram can give us the spark, a comment might give us a question, a client might help us see a pattern, my marriage will give us some good stories, and then we'll come here to actually talk about all of it. And that's what I want you to know. Most of all, as we start this season, you do not need a perfect marriage to have an extraordinary one. Ben and I don't, my clients don't, movie stars don't, you don't. All you need is two human beings willing to keep learning together, to get curious, to take accountability, to be vulnerable, to repair, to play, to tell the truth, to keep on choosing, and to keep building their happily ever after one day at a time. Because the more I work with couples and the longer I'm married, the more convinced I am that happily ever after isn't some magical destination reserved for the couples who get lucky. It's built in the ordinary moments. It's built when you turn towards each other instead of away. It's built when you say the hard thing. It's built when you listen. It's built when you apologize. It's built when you flirt in the kitchen. It's built when you laugh. It's built when you choose curiosity instead of certainty. It's built when things are really good and when things are really hard. And that's what season six is going to be about: building our happily ever after love story together. So I'm so glad you're here. And let's have some really great conversations.

Closing Share The Conversation

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Before you go, remember this happily ever after doesn't happen by accident. It's something you build one intentional choice at a time. If this conversation encouraged you, would you do me a favor and share it with someone you love? Your spouse, a friend, or another couple who could use a little home today. Thanks for being here, and until next time, keep building your happily ever after.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

This podcast is produced, mixed, and edited by Cardinal Studio. For more information about how to start your own podcast, please visit www.cardinalstudio.co or email mic at mike at cardinalstudio.co. You can also find the details in the show notes.