How Mental Load Quietly Builds Resentment In Marriage

In today's episode, I talk about the invisible work of love and why feeling appreciated for a day can still leave you feeling alone the rest of the week. I  share how mental load becomes resentment, plus a simple way to make the unseen visible without blaming each other. 

• Mother’s Day as a spotlight on unnoticed work 
• The mental, emotional and relational load that keeps life running 
• How being unseen turns into loneliness, unfairness and resentment 
• Why the gap grows even when there is real love 
• A personal story about carrying a heavy behind-the-scenes load 
• A conversation template that replaces blame with clear requests 
• The listener challenge: a 10-minute talk to name one unseen task 

So make sure at the end of this episode you click the link in the show notes to get your Marriage Bundle HERE. At least check it out, because I guarantee you're gonna love it. But you've got to act before Sunday, May 17th. 

Transcript

Welcome And Quick Announcement

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and I'm excited about our theme for this month and especially our topic for today. So Mother's Day just passed and it really got me thinking about some of the invisible work of love and why it matters more than you think. So during the month of May, and as we celebrate Mothers, I really want to touch on one of the invisible forces that creates a lot of stress and strain on relationships, especially when it comes to motherhood. And then of course, you know, I'm going to give you some ideas, strategies, and frameworks that's going to really help. But real quick before we start, I want to let you know that this is the last week that the date your spouse marriage bundle is available. So if you haven't purchased yours yet, you're definitely gonna want to jump on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It pops up every year, but this year there are 19 marriage experts that have contributed each a really great product to a bundle that's going to give you date night ideas, connection ideas, playful ways to reconnect. I personally have contributed my Hotter Together 14-day challenge, which on its own is worth$47. But if you act fast, you can get the Hotter Together 14-day challenge, which is a really, really fun way to reconnect and re-engage and that playful, fun intimacy, along with 18 other really cool products. And if you use my code, which is listed in the show notes, you're gonna get an additional$15 off, which brings the total for all 19 products bundled together for only$35. But you've got to act before Sunday, May 17th. So make sure at the end of this episode you click the link in the show notes. At least check out the marriage bundle because I guarantee you're gonna love it. All right, let's get started on today's episode. I'm recording this episode the day after Mother's Day. And so all the feelings and the emotions of the day are fresh in my mind. I spent a lot of my free time as my husband and my children were running around making breakfast and dinner and doing all the nice things for me. I was just laying in bed and I was scrolling social media and I was getting such a kick out of all of the Mother's Day posts, which many of them, and I'm sure it has to do with the people that I follow, were mothers who were talking about how obviously Mother's Day should extend to more than just a day because there's so much that mothers do that goes unnoticed. And it got me thinking. And so I wanted to dedicate the rest of this month to talking about the invisible labor that exists in every household, in every family, and how to communicate about all of the invisible, about all of those invisible tasks and mental load that most of the time go unnoticed, because there is a better way. So today I want to address that quiet thought that's underneath the celebration of Mother's Day and oftentimes Father's Day. It sounds something like I feel appreciated today, but I wish I felt this way more often. Not just for what I do, but I wish I was acknowledged for all that I carry. So I'm gonna tell a story a little bit later to illustrate this. Because one of the most important and often most overlooked parts of a relationship is something we don't talk about often enough. And it's this invisible work of love. So when we think about our contribution to a relationship, we usually think about the visible things like who washes the dishes, who picks up the kids, who makes dinner. But there is another layer, a deeper layer. The things that can't get written down and checked off. If you're anything like me, you love a good checklist. But what I'm talking about is the stuff that you can't really put into words, but sometimes feels very heavy. For example, remembering the birthday party that's coming up, noticing when something feels off, thinking ahead about what the week will require, or keeping track of emotional dynamics in your family or extended family. This is what I like to call the mental, emotional, and relational load of keeping life running smoothly. And here's the tricky part. Because it's invisible, it often goes unacknowledged. And here's why this matters. Because when something is consistently unseen, a few things tend to happen. First, it gets heavy for the person who's carrying it. Not because the tasks themselves are difficult or even unmanageable, but because it often feels as though you're carrying these tasks alone. The second thing that starts to happen is when you start thinking about it, you'll often feel that things are unfair. Even if no one intended it to be that way, if you're not consistently communicating your thoughts and feelings about this invisible load that you carry, you'll feel number one alone and number two treated unfairly. And number three, all of this will eventually turn to resentment. And it doesn't have to be loud, explosive resentment. It's just this quiet nagging that shows itself in distance, irritability, disconnection from your partner. And here's the sneakiest part about it is that often your partner has no idea that this is even happening. So here's the part that's really important because most of the time it's not happening because there's a lack of love or care in the relationship, but it's happening because your partner can't see it. And just like making requests, they can't read your mind, they don't know what's happening, and therefore they don't know how to help. So often you have one person who's thinking to themselves, I'm doing so much, and no one notices. They become irritable and disconnected, and the other partner's thinking, I'm not sure what's happening, and I don't know how to help. And now you have this growing chasm between the partners, which isn't because of lack of care, but it's because of lack of awareness. For me, oftentimes this happens when I'm not even paying attention. And it often takes a little bit of irritability and annoyance for me to cue into the fact that I feel like I'm carrying a load I haven't shared. Most recently, this happened when I felt like I was doing so much for our daughter that lives at home. She recently got a health diagnosis that I've been working really hard to try and understand better so we can help her with. She's very involved in sports, and there's a lot that goes into that. She's also preparing for a humanitarian trip for three weeks in Africa, and there is a lot to do to prepare for that, as well as she's going into her senior year of high school, and there's lots to do to prepare for that as well. And so I realized that I was doing so much of this, not that I don't enjoy or appreciate or even struggle to get it all done. I just realized I was doing it all without any type of acknowledgement or anybody even understanding what all was entailed. And so if anything at all came up, instead of taking it in stride like I normally would, I would huff and I would puff. And inside my head, I would feel like, my goodness, I'm doing a lot. And so it took a little bit of awareness for myself so that I could go to my husband and in not a complaining or blaming way, which I'm gonna talk about in just a minute, but I just said, hey, I realize I'm a little bit on edge because there's so much I'm doing for our daughter. And not that I can't handle it, but I feel like I'm doing it on my own. And so we went for a walk, and for the majority of this walk, I started listing out all of the things I felt like I was carrying, this heavy, heavy load that was going unacknowledged and unappreciated. And kudos to my husband because he was supportive and understanding. And that very night, I was getting ready to take an unexpected early flight back home to Texas for a funeral. And I needed to get to bed early because the flight was really early the next morning. And this really cute daughter that I love so much came into our bedroom and asked if someone could help her study for a test she had the next day. And without me having to say anything or prompt in any way, my husband volunteered and I was so, so grateful. So you may be noticing as I'm talking, maybe you do carry a large portion of the invisible load. And you may be thinking, what do I do about this? And so I want to point out a few things I've learned that are really, really, really helpful when you're trying to renegotiate, is what I call this, some of the roles or responsibilities or load that you carry as partners in your marriage, because there's something really important I want you to think about here. There are no rules anymore. Way back when there was a lot of rules about roles and responsibilities in a family. Traditionally, the husband would go to work and he'd work for the same company for 50 years and then he'd pull a pension, and the wife's responsibility was the home and raising the children. But most families don't operate like that anymore. In fact, the majority of today's family are dual earner incomes, which requires a higher level of communication and collaboration and negotiating the family roles and responsibilities. And not only that, but these negotiations don't just happen once. They have to keep happening over and over and over again. And so we have to get good at communicating where we're at, how we're feeling about our roles and responsibilities in our family. And we have to be able to negotiate and renegotiate what these roles and responsibilities are gonna look like. Again, there's no one right way to do it. It's just what works for your family and the individuals they're in. And once you get it worked out, something will change and you'll have to refigure it out. So here's a few tips on how to do this. Number one, we never fix the load imbalances with blame. We fix it with awareness, appreciation, and communication. It starts with this simple idea: you've got to make the invisible visible, not in an accusatory way, but in an intentional way. So I've noticed for me, when I recognize that there's an imbalance, the first thing my brain goes to is you never, or why don't you, or why can't you just do this thing? Which is really unfair, especially because often I've become aware of the load imbalance and I haven't shared it with my partner yet. So here's an example of how to start this conversation in a way that works best. You might see something like, I've been thinking about something that I carry that we've never really talked about. Here are some things I've realized that I manage behind the scenes, and then talk about what you do or the load you carry that nobody else can see. And then I want you to tap into those request skills that we talk about so often. Remembering love, making specific requests, and then showing appreciation. So you're gonna say something like, What would feel really supportive to me is if you could help with or take over or merely acknowledge X, Y, Z. And that's it. That's your template for a really good conversation that addresses the things that are invisible and makes them more visible because it's the clarity around all of it that creates that connection between you and your partner that invites them into seeing things that were overlooked. And this dialogue goes both ways. So if you're the partner on the other end and you're hearing this, your role is not to defend or explain. It's to get curious. You're always going to do better if you default to curiosity. So get really clear on what your partner's trying to share. Ask follow-up questions like what does that feel like for you to be doing all of that? Or what parts of that feel the heaviest to you? You could even ask, what can I do to be more supportive in those moments? Or is there a way I can help you carry that load? Because sometimes it's not about how you can do more or even help. It's really about awareness of how your partner's feeling so that they're not carrying the load on their own. So I want to leave you with this little reframe that it's not actually the work that's the problem. Because I honestly think relationships work the best when both of us are contributing. But what makes our contributions more meaningful is when your partner cares, can anticipate, and be supportive. And there's no way for them to do that if they're not aware of the load you're carrying. Because what we all want at the end of the day from our partner who we love and who we continue to choose is to feel seen, supported, and like we're not carrying these loads on our own. So here's your takeaway for this week. I want you to have a simple 10-minute conversation, sharing one thing with your partner that you carry that they might not see or even know about. Ask them if there's anything that they carry as well. You might be surprised. You don't have to fix it or rearrange it yet. I want you to just become aware of that invisible load that both of you probably carry. And if nothing else, for the purpose that you will feel less alone. And then next week, we're gonna take it one step further. We're gonna talk about why so many couples feel like they're carrying more. And then we're gonna talk about how to actually renegotiate roles and responsibilities without it turning into a fight. So this week, I just want you to have the conversation. I want you to make the unseen seen. And next week we're gonna talk about how to renegotiate because I promise there's a better way to approach it. If I could leave you with anything, it's this. Love is not just about what we do for each other, it's about making sure nobody feels alone in what they're doing. That's the point of loving our best friend, right? It's that we get to share these things with them and we get to enjoy that eternal companionship. That is passion, love, and intimacy. So thank you guys so much for being here this week. I've got a really, really fun episode in store next week. And until then, happy marriaging.