24 Lessons From 24 Years Of Marriage

Today, I share 24 hard-earned lessons from 24 years of marriage, from building love maps to repairing after conflict. The biggest shift comes when we stop trying to be right and start choosing curiosity, clear requests, and respect for our differences. 

• love is something we build intentionally rather than find 
• updating love maps as we both keep changing 
• harmony, disharmony, and repair as the normal relationship cycle 
• trust built through repair instead of easy seasons 
• arguments as signals of deeper needs to be seen and valued 
• choosing understanding over being right, including yes and language 
• two subjective realities and why curiosity creates compassion 
• intimacy shaped by daily connection, playfulness, and freedom from pressure 
• stop hinting and testing, start making clear requests and teaching your partner how to love you 
• avoiding apathy with small consistent effort 
• aiming for an intimate friendship and passionate partnership 
• honoring differences as the source of passion and a path to intimacy 

If this episode resonates with you, please reach out. You can find me on Instagram @monitalksmarriage or email me at Moni@monicatanner.com. 

Transcript

May Milestones And The Big Promise

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and I'm so excited about our episode today. So this is the first week in May, and May just happens to be my favorite month of the year. I know it's May Sember and super busy for moms, but for me, May is a celebration of all of the things I am most proud of. So May starts out with my wedding anniversary. The best decision hands down that I've ever made in my whole life. This year, we just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. So today's episode is going to include 24 lessons I've learned in 24 years of marriage. So strap in because it's gonna be a good one. May also brings Mother's Day, which is a celebration of my four incredible children, literally the hardest job and the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. And then the last day of May, May 31st, is my birthday, a celebration of me, who I've been, who I am today, and who I am becoming. So we just like to call May my month. You know I love a good alliteration. So we're celebrating my marriage, motherhood, and me in the month of May. So I'm really working hard to make all of the episodes this month really, really worth your time because I know it's Maycember. I know you have a lot going on. And so every episode this month is going to pack a powerful punch, starting with today's episode, which marks 24 years of being married to my absolute best friend. 24 years of loving the same person, growing together, fighting, repairing, laughing, and learning. And if I'm honest, it marks 24 years of becoming someone I didn't even know existed when I said yes 24 years ago. So in today's episode, I'm gonna share with you 24 things I've learned. Some of these things I've learned the hard way, some of them I resisted for way too long, and a few of them I wish somebody had just sat me down and shared these lessons with me early on. So whatever stage of marriage you're in, there will be something for you, especially number 24. It might be the most important lesson anyone could ever teach about creating your happily ever after love story. So stick with me till the end. All right, let's start at the beginning. What I thought love was 24 years ago when I said I do. So when I first got married, I thought just like the standard fairy tale love story, that love was something you found. Now let me explain. I really did feel like I had met my knight in shining armor. And because everything felt so aligned and we were so perfect for each other, we would just naturally figure out all the rest. It was like some version of you meet the right person, you fall in love, and then you just naturally live a beautiful life together. What I didn't understand yet was this lesson number one. Love is not something you just find or stumble upon or get lucky enough to experience. It's something you have to intentionally build, and you have to consistently, intentionally put your time, energy, and financial resources into it. Because life changes, you change, your partner changes. So often couples come in and they say, she's just not the woman I married, or we're incompatible now. What you have to realize, this is a big part of lesson number one, is that every day, moment by moment, each one of you is changing significantly. And so there are many more lessons attached to this, but just know you don't get to know your partner once. You create what Dr. John Gottman calls love maps, and you're constantly, constantly, constantly mapping each other and building what it is that you want. Which leads me to the second lesson, which is that your partner will change and so will you. And that's not a problem. That's actually the foundational building block of creating your happily ever after love story. Because the problem isn't constant change. The problem is not consistently updating your love maps. When you start making assumptions about each other based on old maps, that's when love gets stale, you become roommates, resentment creeps in, you stop asking questions, curiosity and generosity dry up. So remember, lesson number one, love is something you build intentionally day by day, moment by moment. And lesson number two, of course you're always changing. You have to consistently update those love maps all the time. All right, moving on to the third lesson, we're gonna start talking about conflict here because something that nobody prepared me for before I got married was conflict. I think a lot of us go into marriage thinking if we love each other, it will just all work out. But here's what I've learned through my study of relational life therapy and working with couples, but also looking back in review of my own 24 years of marriage. Lesson number three is that every relationship cycles through periods of harmony, disharmony, and repair. This is not dysfunction. This is literally how relationships work. This stems from research done by Ed Tronic on mother-infant relationships, and it doesn't change throughout your life. So if you're in a season where things feel off, or if you're in a moment where things feel off, if you're in the middle of any type of conflict, this is disharmony. And it's absolutely okay and healthy as long as there's a mechanism of repair. You're just in a part of the cycle where you have the opportunity to grow, strengthen your relationship through trust and resilience. Which brings me to the fourth lesson, which is that trust isn't built in the harmony phase. Trust, strength, and resilience in your relationship is built in the repair phase. Not when everything's easy, but when something breaks and you find your way back to each other. So for those of you, especially who grow up in conflict-avoidant households, the best thing, the best thing that you can do for your marriage right now is learn how to repair. This is a very worthwhile endeavor. In fact, I will tell you it's crucial to building the marriage you want. So let's talk about conflict in the form of arguments. Because here's something that I really wish that I had understood earlier, and it's the fifth lesson. Are you ready? Most arguments are not about what you're actually arguing about. Let that sink in for a minute. Arguments in your relationship are about feeling misunderstood, unloved, overlooked, unseen, unheard, undervalued. Once you start to see that the arguments, the content of the arguments, are secondary to the needs and the longings and the desires underneath the arguments, everything's going to change for you. So I'm not saying that the content of your arguments isn't important, but that's not really what it's about. So this leads me to my sixth lesson, which is you will have the same argument over and over and over again. I recently saw a meme by one of my favorite fashion influencers. She says, We just keep fighting about the same thing over and over and over again. I'm just wearing a different outfit. Yes, it will be the same core issue, different day, different tone. And for a long time, I would get so discouraged because I thought, we are not making any progress or fixing anything. But now I see it differently. Having the same argument over and over and over again just means that we're human. And understanding the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, that 69% of all the conflict in your marriage is unresolvable, meaning you're never actually gonna come to a solution. And that's not actually the goal. The goal is to understand each other better. But I'm gonna come back to that in a later lesson. So moving on to number seven, which is what actually works is seeking to understand more than seeking to be right. I see this over and over and over again in my own marriage and in the couples that I work with every day. Being right is a losing strategy and it causes disconnection. My mentor Terry Real often says, you can be right or you can be married. Which is more important to you? And so lesson number eight is a very simple change in the language we're gonna use while trying to understand somebody, but it's going to create a powerful difference in how you relate to one another. Are you ready? Lesson number eight is using yes and instead of yes but. This is so simple and so powerful. When your partner comes to you with a point of view that is different from how you see it, try being curious about their point of view. And even when you disagree, I want you to say, I can see how you would feel that way. And I see it differently instead of but, here's where you got it wrong. So and keeps both people engaged in the conversation instead of one person shutting down. It's like but negates everything before and after, whereas and brings more understanding, which is lesson number nine. The goal of every conversation with your partner should be to understand them better, not to agree. It took me at least nine years into my marriage to learn this, and it's literally one of the biggest game changers I can actually give you. I was recently working with a husband who shared with me that it was so hard to see things from his wife's point of view when she would come to him saying things like the ball is orange, when he could clearly see that the ball is blue. He's like, I don't know how you want me to engage in a conversation with her when she's so clearly wrong. And I said, just one second. What if instead of trying to prove to her that the ball is blue instead of orange, you actually got really curious, like a detective, and tried to figure out how it is that she's actually seeing the ball as orange. Because what if the two of you are both right? What if it's a ball that's blue on one side and orange on the other? You'll never ever be able to see that if you're consistently trying to prove to her that the ball is blue. Does that make sense? So understanding where your partner is coming from is infinitely more valuable than needing to agree with them. It's a total game changer. All right, that brings us to lesson number 10. This is another big one. Make curiosity your default. Now, this goes back to the whole, is the ball blue or is the ball orange conversation? Because if you're constantly criticizing your partner for seeing things differently, you're never gonna actually get to what they're seeing. A lot of times I use the analogy of an elephant. If you're constantly criticizing everyone else's point of view, you could just be stuck looking at the butt of an elephant. But what if your partner is looking at a different part of the elephant and you get curious, you zoom out and you ask your partner what it is that they're actually seeing. Now the two of you get to look at this magnificent animal versus you just being stuck looking at the butt of an elephant for your entire relationship. When you default to curiosity, you get to stay connected. When you move into criticism, people shut down. This leads me to lesson number 11. Are you ready? In every relationship with everyone you'll ever relate to, there are two subjective realities, not one. Therefore, your partner's behavior and perspective make sense if you will seek to understand it. So even the things that frustrate you, even the things you don't understand about them, even the things that you don't agree with about your partner, I guarantee you there's always some logic that you're not seeing. And when you find that logic behind their subjective reality, making curiosity your default, their point of view will make more sense to you and you'll start to have more compassion for who they are and how they're different from you. So if ever your partner's behavior doesn't make sense to you, default to curiosity and not criticism. All right, moving on to number 12. Let's get spicy and intimate for a minute, because this is a topic that so many couples quietly struggle with. Here's what I've learned about intimacy. Lesson number 13. Good intimacy, or shall we say a good sex life, encompasses way more than just what happens in the bedroom. It starts with how you talk to each other, how you treat each other, and how you connect with each other throughout the day. This one might surprise you. Lesson number 14, playfulness, laughter are some of the most underrated forms of foreplay. So many of the higher desire partners I work with think that they can extract what they want from their lower desire partner. This includes pressuring them, a lot of expectations, but I guarantee you playfulness, laughter, flirting, that's what creates desire. Which leads me to lesson number 15. Pressure shuts desire down almost every time. Good sex is based on freedom. Freedom to choose, freedom to be ourselves, freedom to show up and co-create a sexual experience that works best for both of us. No pressure, no obligation, freedom. Great sex is not something we have to do. Great sex is a place we go together to be cared for. It's kind of like a 15B, it's a freebie. Can you co-create a space for the two of you to go together to really enjoy being there with each other? All right, enough about that. Let's move on to lesson number 16. And this works a little bit into it, but the lesson is there's no reward for silently serving and hoping that your partner notices. Now I realize this is a little bit of a hot take, but if you want any type of acknowledgement, you have to actually make explicit what you want and what you need. So lesson number 16 is stop testing, stop hinting, and start teaching your partner how to really love you. Which dovetails perfectly into lesson 17, which might be one of the most important lessons of all. Are you ready for this? If you think I shouldn't have to ask, they should just know you are literally about to be disappointed. I teach this to all my couples. I feel like I say it till I'm blue in the face. It is one of my most hard-fought, hard-earned lessons. And it is that being clear and specific with your partner about what you truly want, is the most kind and loving thing you could ever do for them. Unspoken expectations will set your partner up to fail and set you up for a lot of disappointment. Sometimes I like to say resentments are just unspoken requests. So the big takeaway from lesson 17, or shall we say 17B, is roll up your sleeves and teach your partner how to treat you. That's the best thing you can do. All right, that was the biggest nugget right in the middle. Let's move on to lesson 18, which is that roommate syndrome or disconnection doesn't set in because of how long you've been married. What kills your connection is apathy. When we stop trying, when we stop noticing, when we assume our partner should just know, that's when resentment creeps in and connection dies. But here's the good news. Lesson number 19, it's not the big grand gestures, it's the small, consistent effort that matters most. It's your daily choices, the small moments, and the way you show up again and again and again. Because at the end of the day, the goal isn't just to stay married. Lesson number 20, which is a big one. The goal for a happily ever after love story is to become intimate friends and passionate partners. And what I mean by that is what's gonna matter the most, this lesson that I've learned from interviewing couples who have been married 50 years or longer, is that the magical formula for a life well-lived and a beautiful love story is co-creating an intimate friendship and a passionate partnership. All right, we've got four lessons left, and here is where it gets really good. It's gonna be a mashup of lessons 21 through 24. How to create an intimate friendship and a passionate partnership. 21 is the best decision I've ever made was not just to get married. While I do say that a lot, it's how I choose to show up every single day. It's an understanding that I'm human. And no matter how much I study this stuff, I'll always make mistakes. I'll always fall short. I'll always regress into a younger version of myself. But what's most important isn't showing up perfect. It's being willing to repair when things go wrong. Lesson number 22 is choosing over and over and over again, day by day, moment by moment, how I want to show up best in my marriage. Because lesson number 23, I cannot control my partner or the circumstances. I can only control myself. I can always choose to default to curiosity, to repair, to soften, and to try again every single time. And last but certainly not least, probably the biggest lesson, number 24, that I've learned in 24 years of marriage, and one that I am so unbelievably grateful for every single day. Because my husband and I are so very different. We were raised in different parts of the country, in different religions, different family constellations. We had very different experiences growing up. And for a long time, I was super annoyed by these differences. I kept feeling like if he would just come closer to my perspective, this would be so much easier. So lesson number 24 helps me to no longer fear conflict. The reason why is because our differences create the passion in our relationship and navigating those differences, i.e., communicating about those differences with mutual respect, is what creates the intimacy. So that intimate friendship and passionate partnership is only possible when we lose the desire to. Make our partner see it our way, and we start respecting and honoring the differences. Because at the end of the day, one of the greatest gifts I feel like we're giving our children, besides a blueprint for a healthy relationship, all of that harmony, disharmony, and repair that they're getting to watch, but it is our different perspectives and how we navigate those. It's the ability to hold on to ourselves and our perspectives while also really valuing each other's different perspectives and allowing for those differences, learning to understand those differences through compassionate curiosity. So the big takeaway from all of those 24 lessons I just shared is this. If you feel like you're in a hard season of marriage right now, if there's resentment and frustration and disconnection, let this be your reminder. You don't accidentally stumble into a happily ever after love story. You co-create it intentionally. One choice, one conflict, one repair at a time. So I hope this episode was valuable for you. It was really fun to review the last 24 years of lessons I've learned, not only from my own marriage, but also walking with other couples through some of life's greatest challenges. It is the biggest honor of my life, aside from raising my children. And if you're in a spot where you could use some help reconnecting, repairing, or creating that intimate friendship and passionate partnership, please reach out. You can find me on Instagram at Monty TalksMarriage or email me at Moni M O N I at monicatanner.com. Helping high achieving couples love their marriage again is my passion. And if I can't help you, my promise is that I'll help you find someone who can. So thanks for being here, and I'll see you same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriaging.