How to Reset Your Relationship In Three Steps

Spring invites us to clean out what’s stale in our marriage and start fresh without changing partners. I share a simple three-step relationship reset that replaces blame with honesty, turns complaints into clear requests, and builds momentum through one small win. 

• spring cleaning mindset for marriage and relationships 
• why most couples are stuck rather than in crisis 
• step one naming disconnection honestly without blame 
• how criticism creates defensiveness and shuts down repair 
• finding the desire underneath a complaint 
• step two making requests stupidly specific and actionable 
• examples of clear asks for time, help and date nights 
• step three choosing one small repeatable win 
• why consistency creates momentum and rebuilds trust 
• prompts to ask yourself and how to go first 

If this episode resonated with you, send it to your partner. Or better yet, suggest that you listen together. And if you decide to try the reset together, I want to hear about it. Shoot me a note on social media or send me an email and let me know what is the one small thing you're gonna do this week to initiate the change. 

Don't forget to download the Get Lucky Guide at https://monicatanner.com/getlucky

Transcript

Spring Theme And Relationship Reset

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and it's finally spring. Spring makes me think of cleaning things out, starting over, new beginnings. And so I thought a fun theme for the month of April would be kind of like a relationship reset, like a cleaning out of old beliefs to make room for a new relationship without actually getting into a new relationship. So this is kind of a play on one of my favorite Est. Some of us with the same people. So if you're starting to feel like your relationship could use a little boost or reset, now's the time. And I want to give you today a simple three-step framework for how to start that reset. I was thinking about some sort of handout that I could give you that would kind of sum this all up. And what I realized is that last month's get lucky guide really is a robust and good roadmap for how to do a relationship reset as well. So if you haven't already, make sure you go to monicatanner.com/slash get lucky. Download this guide because it will help you reset the relationship as well as get lucky. So in light of the season and that everything is kind of blooming and feeling fresh, I want you to think about or consider what if your relationship could have a fresh start without changing your partner. And when I say changing your partner, I mean without having a different partner, but also let's change the relationship by focusing on what we can actually control, which is not our partner. I often have clients or people reach out to me and they have this need and they express a lot of frustration and resentment in their relationship. And they start with a lot of burn it down to the ground and start over energy. But instead, I want you to think about what it would be like to just do some spring cleaning on the relationship. Sometimes we can go into the closet of our relationship, pull out some of the old and outdated thoughts, ideas, feelings, behaviors that are keeping us stuck, and it will make our whole wardrobe feel fresh and new again. Because let's be honest, a lot of couples aren't actually in crisis. They're just feeling stuck. They're stuck in the same conversations, the same old patterns, maybe stuck feeling like roommates instead of passionate partners. And what this looks like is maybe some distance in the relationship, feeling disconnected, a lot of resentment or frustration, and honestly, maybe even just some boredom. But this doesn't have to be because the relationship is doomed or you picked the wrong person. What I want to offer to you is that maybe your relationship is just in need of a reset. Just as the seasons cycle every single year, it's possible your relationship has been in a season of winter and now it's spring again. So I'm gonna walk you through a simple but powerful three-step relationship reset that you can start using immediately to renew the love and friendship and connection that your marriage is longing for. So without further ado, let's jump right in. Step one of this three-step reset is to call it what it is without blaming each other or making it wrong. So a lot of times I call this facing reality. All too often I see couples stuck in patterns of complaining about what they feel like they should be getting or what their relationship should look like. And I want you to know that whatever you're complaining about, that if you can take a moment and look underneath that complaint, there is a request, a desire, or a longing there. And so the first step of this relationship reset is just going to be naming what's there instead of avoiding it, minimizing it, or turning it into some form of blame, either your partner or the circumstances. I want you to just think about where is your relationship right now? So instead of avoiding it, minimizing it, or turning it into a way to blame either your partner or the circumstances. And here's what this sounds like. This sounds like my partner never helps me. They're always on their phone. We're basically just roommates. That's what that type of energy sounds like. But when we say things like that to our partners or to a friend, that energy comes into the relationship and it sounds like we're attacking. And the only thing for our partner to do is to defend against that attack in whatever way they know how to defend themselves. So, in order to create a reset, we've got to ditch all of that criticism and complaint, and we have to put truth on the table without judgment or blame. This sounds different. Let me give you some examples. Hey, I've been feeling a little disconnected from you lately, or I miss how much we used to laugh and do fun new things together, or I feel like we've gotten in a bit of a rut. That is stating plainly your experience of the relationship with honesty but without the blame. Can you feel the difference when I give you those examples? The first group of examples creates a lot of defensiveness, where the second group creates an invitation to kind of explore what's going on from both you and your partner's perspective. Because here's the truth: you cannot reset what hasn't been named honestly. If you're not willing to put honesty out on the table, it's really, really hard to do anything about it. So I want you to get honest and I want you to get clear about what you're feeling so that you can name it and we can work with it. So that's step one. I want you to get really honest about the state of your relationship and see if you can do it without turning your partner or your circumstance into the problem. Got it? All right, let's move on to step two because this one is my favorite and it's going to sound very similar to making a request. Because basically, now that we've named what we feel like is happening in the relationship right now, I want you to get stupidly specific about what you actually want. This is the point where everything begins to shift. This is the part that a lot of people have a hard time with because it's easy to be crystal clear about what you don't want, and often that turns into complaint. But as I said, underneath these complaints are desires and longings and requests. And so if you will get stupidly specific about what it is that you actually do want, now we have something to work with. So this is simple and it sounds like when we push the complaint away, you're gonna start to uncover things like I want more connection, I need more help around the house, I want more intimacy in our relationship. That's a good start, but it's super vague. Because what does that actually look like? And how can your partner help you with that? So, this is where I teach my clients all the time to get stupidly specific. So instead of, I feel like we should spend more quality time together, try saying something like, I would love for us to spend 20 minutes together every day after dinner without phones, just hanging out and talking about the day. That would be spending some quality time in a really specific way that your partner can get behind. Instead of saying something like, I need more help around here, which is like a moving target and really hard to measure, try saying something like, it would mean a lot to me if you could help clean up the kitchen twice a week. That means you take responsibility for clearing the table, washing the dishes, putting them in the dishwasher, wiping off the counter, sweeping the floors, and taking out the trash. Could you choose two nights a week to be completely in charge of that? That is stupidly specific. And instead of let's do something fun together, how about I'd love it if we could take turns planning weekly date nights together that would last at least three hours and do something fun together that both of us would enjoy. That's being specific, but also leaving it open for you to use your creativity. The specific part of that is let's get date night on the calendar every single week and let's take turns planning it. Each of those more specific examples are giving your partner something that they can actually work with and say yes to. Because a reset can't be built on vague ideals. It's built on clear, actionable requests. All right, so step one, get really honest about the state of your relationship, and two, be stupidly specific about what you actually want. All right, step three, create one small win and build momentum from there. So here's where people mess this up. They try to reset everything at once. Often they're thinking, I want better communication, more sex, less conflict, more fun, and more emotional connection. That is a very tall order. And I guarantee you're gonna get discouraged really quickly if you try to do all of that at once by next week. So instead of such a tall order, we're gonna create one small win at a time. Just one. Something simple, something doable, something repeatable. Because small wins do something really powerful. They rebuild trust, not just trust in your partner, but trust in the relationship. It starts the ball rolling and creates hope that change is possible, that effort matters, and that you're not stuck in the same spot forever. Once you're successful with one small reset, now you've got some momentum. So this week I want you to pick one thing. It could be maybe a 20-minute daily check-in with each other to create some more emotional closeness. It could be taking a weekly walk together. You could work really hard to get date night on the calendar. I find this is one of the most effective relationship resets and it's pretty simple. Or you could make an agreement like no phones after nine o'clock. I think I'm going to suggest that one for my own personal relationship reset this week. So remember, it doesn't have to be big. I don't want you to overhaul the whole relationship. I just want you to pick one small win and be consistent with it. Because, like we said, consistency creates momentum and momentum creates transformation. And before you know it, you have a complete relationship reset in three simple steps. So let's recap. This week, we're going to call it what it is with honesty and without blame. Step two, get stupidly specific about what you want. And step three, create one small consistent win. And that's it, my friends. Simple, but I know not always easy. But here's what I want you to hear in this. Needing a reset does not mean that your relationship is failing. It doesn't even mean that anything has gone terribly wrong. It just means that you're paying attention. It means that you care enough to course correct. And it means that you're choosing to be intentional to create the relationship you want instead of just responding to what you're getting. It's actually a very team-oriented activity that goes right along with the season that we're in. So here's what I want you to ask yourself: have we gotten off track? What do I actually want instead? And what's one small step we can take this week to get there? And then here's the most important part. If you're listening to this episode, you be the one to kick it off. Go first. Initiate the conversation, get the reset going, be the one who says, Hey, I think we can create something better together. Do you want to try something with me? Because that right there is how love and intimacy and passion gets renewed. It's not through grand gestures, but through small intentional shifts over and over and over again. So if this episode resonated with you, send it to your partner. Or better yet, suggest that you listen together. And if you decide to try the reset together, I want to hear about it. Shoot me a note on social media or send me an email and let me know what is the one small thing you're gonna do this week to initiate the change. All right. Thank you so much for joining me today. And I will be here same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriaging.