Valentine’s Day Doesn’t Have to End in Disappointment

This week, I'm talking about why February magnifies stress and how silent expectations turn Valentine’s Day into a painful guessing game. I share three steps, speak hopes out loud, name no‑gos, and define success together, plus simple date ideas and thoughtful, affordable gifts.

• February’s emotional slump and money stress
• how silent expectations create resentment
• say what you want in clear, specific words
• name what you don’t want and offer alternatives
• collaborate on a shared definition of success
• low‑cost at‑home and out‑of‑home date ideas
• practical gifts: date night journal, restocks, roleplay
• honesty and safety as the path to intimacy

Go to https://monicatanner.com/51Questions and download some questions there.

Look up the Date Night Journal on Amazon or send me an email and I will send one right to you. 

Restock or try Evree Intimate Massage Cream and get 14% off by using the code: LOVE at check out.  https://evreesensation.com/moni

Or try a subscription to Faithful Fling Role-Play Dates here: Faithful Fling

Make sure you comment on social media or shoot me an email and let me know how your Valentine's Day ended up.

Transcript

Why February Feels Hard

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and I want to talk about something really important today. And that is that I want to help you avoid a super, super common pitfall that so many couples fall into around this time of year. Now, February is consistently one of the hardest months of the year for so many people. And to break that down, it's because we're coming off of the holidays. It's winter in most parts of the world. There's less light, people feel more exhausted. It's cold, and I hate to be cold. And you're dealing with some debt probably from the holidays and a lot of emotional letdown after all of the kind of high of Thanksgiving and Christmas and the other end of the year holidays. And you're looking down the barrel of tax season. So February is just kind of a difficult month for most people. And then you have smack in the middle of it, Valentine's Day. So Valentine's Day is a holiday that's supposed to mean romance, connection, passion, and feeling chosen by a significant other. And right when many people are super tired and stretched, emotionally thin. So this is something I want you to know, especially if you have ever felt disappointed around Valentine's Day. I get more calls from couples wanting to schedule an appointment with me in the two weeks following Valentine's Day than almost any other time of the year. Literally, my calendar books out solid in the two weeks after Valentine's Day. Now, why is this? It's not because couples are just struggling more at this time of year. They are for a lot of the reasons I just told you. But the reality is the reason why people finally book an appointment is because expectations are sky high and they're almost never communicated. Valentine's Day becomes this secret relationship test of whether or not your partner loves you, sees you, or whether or not you matter to them. And for the most part, our partners are left guessing about what would truly make us happy. Here's the core issue that I want to talk about today. Most Valentine's Day disappointment isn't about lack of effort. It's not that your partner didn't try, it's about unspoken expectations that make it impossible for them to actually succeed. The three things that Valentine's Day really bring out is this idea of a guessing game, right? Like that your partner should just guess what's gonna make you feel most loved, most appreciated, and most seen around this very highly charged holiday. It becomes a silent test of whether or not your partner is actually gonna get it right. And it also is super performative. There's lots of expectations, not only about what you might give or get for Valentine's Day, but also what the intimate part of this holiday is going to look like. We hope and hope and hope that our partner is just gonna know what we want. And if they don't, we feel super hurt by it. And even though we try not to, we end up feeling very resentful. I can tell you this from personal experience. But here's the truth: your partner never was and never will be a mind reader. Husbands don't get hints and wives don't either. True love should not require any type of guessing about how to make your partner happy. What I want to talk about today is how to communicate your hopes and desires clearly so that Valentine's Day can actually be enjoyed instead of loaded with expectations and disappointment. This ties to the bigger theme of our season, which is understanding each other's subjective reality and setting each other up for success instead of disappointment. So today I'm gonna share with you three tips on how to communicate clearly your expectations around Valentine's Day so that you set your partner up for success, you get exactly what you want, and you don't have to be disappointed by what your partner didn't do. So if you're ready, here we go. The first tip, and this is gonna sound really simple, but for some reason it's not that easy for people. But tip number one is to say what you're hoping for out loud. So many people go into Valentine's Day with maybe a picture in their head of what they want, but certainly how they wanna feel. Most people might not know exactly what they want Valentine's Day to look like, but they know they want to feel loved, appreciated, seen somehow, but they never share this with their partner. Most of the time, what happens is they wait, they watch, and then they feel hurt when nothing magical happens. So if that's you or if that's ever been you, I want you to listen very closely. Telling your partner what you want isn't controlling or too much or demanding. It's actually very generous. Clear desires are so much kinder than expectations that are not being shared. So you don't have to make this conversation heavy or dramatic. You can say things like, what would make Valentine's Day feel really good to me this year is fill in the blank. You could say, I don't need anything big, but I do want blank. Or it can be as simple as, what I'm hoping for Valentine's Day is some time together without distractions, or fill in the blank. Here's what makes this most effective. Number one, be specific. What is it that you want? Do you want to spend quality time with your partner? Would you like words of affirmation? Is there a certain physical thing that you want to enjoy with your partner? Do you want to see them put in an effort? Do you want it to be restful? Or do you want to experience some playfulness? What is it that you're expecting to feel through whatever it is that you decide to do to celebrate this holiday? And I just want you to remember that it's okay to share your desires with your partner. It doesn't make their gestures mean any less. In fact, it means more because you made a request and they followed through. And you don't have to worry about them being silly or different because your relational blueprint is your relational blueprint. So whatever it is that's gonna make you feel loved, appreciated, and honored this year, make sure you say it out loud to your partner. All right, so tip number one is say what you're hoping for out loud. Tip number two is to be explicit about what you don't want this year. Remember that silence is not kindness. Holding it in or not making a big deal out of it or telling your partner you really don't care, it's not that big of a deal, is not kind because most of the time it's not truthful. What you're really doing by not saying anything at all is setting your partner up for failure. Because when you don't tell them exactly what you're hoping for, your partner defaults to the cultural norm, which could be overpriced flowers and chocolate, expensive dinners, crowded restaurants, and pressured-filled expectations. Or they just don't do anything because you're telling them that it's not a big deal. But quietly you're hoping that they're going to do something. But I want you to think about how by not saying anything or not making a big deal out of it, you may think you're being generous, but really it's a test. And here's what I really want you to hear about this particular tip. If you know that there's something that will leave you disappointed, exhausted, or resentful, it is your responsibility to share that with your partner. Now I know why this feels difficult to some of you. You don't want to seem ungrateful, you don't want to hurt their feelings, and you don't want to make a big deal out of it. But resentment hurts far more than honesty ever will. So here's an example of how you can tell your partner about something you don't want for Valentine's Day. It sounds like I don't actually want to do the crowded dinner thing this year. Since Valentine's Day is on a Saturday, everywhere is gonna be insanely crowded and overpriced. So let's do something at home this year. Or I don't want Valentine's Day to feel like a lot of pressure, especially in the bedroom. So would it be okay if we just didn't do anything sexual? Or I'm worried about our budget. Instead of doing overpriced gifts this year that don't mean a lot, what if we just write each other notes? So here's the most important part of what I just suggested. Make sure you follow up what you don't want with a suggestion of what you do want. So instead of going out to a crowded restaurant, let's do something relaxed at home. Instead of having to worry about sex this year, let's just snuggle and watch a movie. Or instead of buying expensive, overpriced chocolates, flowers, or teddy bears, let's write each other handwritten notes instead. That way, by saying what you don't want, it's not a rejection, but it's more like guidance. Remember that your partner cannot succeed at expectations that you do not share. So tip one, say what you're hoping for out loud. And tip two, let them know what you don't want and what would work better. And then tip number three, decide together what success will look like for both of you. So this is when you use all those skills of collaboration that we've been talking about. Set yourself up for success for this or any other holiday for Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, by making it a collaboration, not a guessing game. So most couples never actually define what a good Valentine's Day means for both of them. So one partner feels proud of what they've done, and the other partner feels let down. But instead, try asking each other really good questions, like what would make this feel like a win for you, and then share what it what would make it feel like a win for you. Ask, how do we want to feel at the end of Valentine's Day? And what matters most to you this year, and then share what matters most for you as well. Here's why this matters so much. Shared expectations create safety. Safety makes room for intimacy. You will feel more like you're on the same page and working as a team to create something special for both of you, instead of both of you expecting something from the other and not getting it. So, step one, state your desires clearly out loud. Step two, define what you don't want. And step three, collaborate to create something really meaningful for both of you. All right. In the spirit of creativity, if you're just not feeling it this year, let me give you a few ideas of things that you can do for Valentine's Day and alternate gifts that you might give each other. These are some easy and inexpensive date ideas that if you haven't given it a lot of thought until now, maybe you can throw these out and see if your partner would be excited about them. So here's some at-home ideas. Cook a favorite meal together and eat it by candlelight. Order takeout from a place that feels nostalgic from your dating days or early in your marriage when you didn't have a lot of money. Create a question night with conversation prompts that you can get from a ton of different areas, but there's the Gottman card decks. I have some free downloads. In fact, you can go to monicatanner.com slash 51Questions and download some questions there. You could make a musical playlist for each other and then talk about why you chose those songs. Sometimes when it's been a long time since I've ridden in the car with my husband, it's fun to share with him my new favorite songs and then talk about why I love them so much. Or watch a romantic movie together. You can make this special by downloading it to your laptop and watching it in a different part of the house that you've kind of set up kind of fun for Valentine's Day. But that's a few at-home date ideas that are super inexpensive, if not free. If you're feeling like we gotta get out of the house to celebrate Valentine's Day, here's a few ideas. Go grab your favorite dessert and go for a walk instead of doing the whole dinner thing. Go to a bookstore and pick out books that you each want to read. Go for a scenic drive with no destination, sign up for a class or an experience together, or do a late night ice cream with toppings run. These are simple things where you can even combine them with an at-home date, but then get out of the house for a little bit. Remember, the goal isn't to impress each other, it is to choose each other and set each other up for success. Here are a couple gift ideas that it's not too late to accomplish. One is a year of date nights. You can do this using my date night journal. I just revamped it and put it back on Amazon. So in here, it has a list of tons of ideas. You can make a date night bucket list, and then you keep track, just one page, little write-up of your dates each week. And by the end of the year, you have a full documented date night journal where you can look back and see the things that you did together, how you felt about each other, what you learned about each other on each date. I like to say this is documenting your love story one day at a time. Just look up the date night journal on Amazon or send me an email and I will send this right to you. Another great gift idea is restocking some of your favorite products, like every intimate massage cream. If you did it for your Christmas stockings, you might be starting to run low by Valentine's Day. So use my link linked in the show notes and use the code LOVE at checkout. Another great idea is a year's subscription to Faithful Fling, which is roleplay dates, can be combined with the date night journal. It's super fun. I will link it in the show notes. But if you're looking to spice things up this year, try Faithful Fling Roleplay Dates. It's clean, spicy fun, especially for married couples. All right, so I hope that helps get your creative juices flowing this year. To avoid disappointment and resentment around Valentine's Day, you're gonna follow my three steps. State your expectations clearly, make sure you talk about what you don't want, and then collaborate on what will make the holiday meaningful to both of you. Remember that it's just one day of the year. It feels super charged, but it really doesn't have to be. Valentine's Day is best when it's rooted in honesty instead of pressure. Remember that having compassionate curiosity includes being curious about your own needs and desires, and then be brave enough to share them with your partner. It's okay to have ideas about what would make you feel loved, but instead of hoping that your partner's gonna get it right, make it super easy for them to be successful. If you take nothing else from this episode, let it be this. Clear communication is one of the most loving things you can offer to your partner. So have the Valentine's Day conversation. Collaborate about what will make it meaningful for both of you and set each other up for success. You've got several days to make the magic happen. I cannot wait to hear how wonderful your Valentine's Day was. So make sure you comment on social media or shoot me an email and let me know how it ended up. And then join me same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriaging.