A Simple Relational Skill That Makes Communication So Much Easier

What if a single, gentle question could turn tense moments into real connection? That’s the promise of “contracting,” a simple consent-based habit that replaces surprise talks with intentional, focused conversations. We walk through how this tiny shift—asking “Is now a good time?” and agreeing on a short window—respects attention, reduces defensiveness, and builds trust that sticks.

• what contracting is and why it works
• how consent checks prevent ambush talks
• sample scripts for respectful timing
• prepping topics with short previews
• external vs internal processing styles
• three reasons contracting builds safety
• the sprinkler story and timing misfires
• honoring reschedules and follow-through
• presence rules: phones down, eyes up
• weekly challenge to try contracting

Thank you so much if you've already purchased Bad Marriage Advice. If you have purchased it and had a chance to look through it, I would absolutely love and appreciate if you would go back to Amazon and leave your honest review. Use this link to leave a review --> https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?&asin=B0FQ46HG3S.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome + Book Review Request
• 1:13 What Contracting Is
• 2:26 Contracting in Coaching vs Marriage
• 3:29 How to Ask and Prep Topics
• 5:16 Monica’s Marriage Shift
• 6:25 Why Contracting Works: Three Reasons
• 7:21 External vs Internal Processing
• 9:10 The Sprinkler Story + Follow-Through
• 11:07 Be Present + Weekly Challenge
• 12:18 Closing + Listener Outreach

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, Monica Tanner, and I have a really great episode for you today. I'm just gonna teach you a relational skill that literally changed the way my husband and I communicate with each other, and it's so simple. So before we start, I just wanted to thank you so much if you've already purchased bad marriage advice. I have felt so loved and supported through this whole launch, and I just wanted to thank you. And if you have purchased it and had a chance to look through it, I would absolutely love and appreciate if you would go back to Amazon and leave a review. Just give your thoughts on the book, the content, anything you want. And if you will look at the show notes or the description, however you're watching this right now, if you'll just press more, you can scroll through and there is a link that will lead you right to the place where you can leave a review. So I've made it super simple. That would be a huge favor to me and I would really appreciate it. That's how other people will know that bad marriage advice is worth the investment. So again, thank you so much. And on to today's episode. Today's gonna be short and sweet, but I promise it will change the way you communicate with your spouse forever. I want to talk about a simple relational skill and it's called contracting. This is one of those things that sounds a little formal, like you want me to contract with my spouse, but once you understand it, it makes so much sense and it will save you so many arguments and understanding. Now, contracting in the way I use it when I am working with couples is I'll typically ask, sometimes you'll hear me do this on a podcast, can I give you some feedback? What that does is it creates a contract with my client because if they can't handle the feedback or they don't want it, they have the opportunity to say no. Or if they're ready for it, if they want the feedback, they'll say yes, go ahead. And then I've created a contract that at least I know I asked and got permission to give them some feedback. And it might be uncomfortable, they might not like it, but they asked for it, or they at least gave me permission to give it. So that's how contracting works in kind of a coachingslash therapeutic sense. But when you use it in your relationship, it's really powerful. Basically, it's just making sure that your partner is available emotionally, mentally, and practically physically, before you bring up something important. So it's the opposite of catching them off guard or jumping in and ambushing them when they are distracted, tired, or focused on something else. Now, I'm sure you can all think of times when you've done this and it didn't go well. Because if you've ever tried to bring up a sensitive topic at the wrong time, you already know how that goes, right? So contracting is simple and it sounds something like this. Hey, is now a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind? Or when do you think we could find 20 minutes in the next 24 hours or so to talk about something important? Now, you get bonus points for prepping them for what you might talk about. It could be, is now a good time to talk about investing in a new dishwasher or talking about Johnny and how he's doing in school or this trip that I'm thinking about taking, right? If you prepare your spouse even further by being specific about what you want to discuss and assure them that it's only gonna take a few minutes, but you wanna make sure you have their undivided attention, all of that is implicitly in the question. Is now a good time to talk about something that's important to me? So that's it. You're not demanding their attention, you're inviting it. It's honoring their ability to choose whether or not they're gonna open up to some topic, right? And when you do that, your spouse feels respected instead of ambushed. In my own marriage, this was a game changer for two reasons. One, I used to bring up things in the moment that worked for me. For example, if I was chewing on something, I learned really early on in our marriage that some of the ways that were modeled by my parents on how to talk about topics or address things did not work for my husband. So I've known for a long time that if I want to talk to my husband about something, I've got to think it through and remove all of the emotion from it. I've got to be able to make logical arguments and like be able to state concisely what I'm thinking about. Otherwise, he'll totally tune me out. But what I'll do is a lot of times I'll think of something and I've been thinking about it for a few days or even a week or so, and I'm ready to talk about it. And so the minute my husband came home from work or when we were cleaning up dinner or when he was trying to watch a game or something, here I am trying to bring up this thing that I'm totally ready to talk about. But he was completely ambushed. And honestly, what would happen is he would completely shut down. Not because he didn't care and not because he didn't love me, but it was because he wasn't in a space to really listen and give me his attention. So once I learned how to pause and ask, is now a good time to talk about something important? Or can we set a time to talk about such and such? Everything started to change. Instead of defensiveness, I got his presence. And instead of frustration, I got him engaging with me on the topic I wanted to talk about. So it's not about timing it perfectly, it's about creating a safe space for both of you to be able to show up and be present and give your undivided attention to each other for a short amount of time. So why does this simple skill of contracting, which is basically just a question, why does it work so well? Because when you contract, you're doing three things. Number one, you're showing respect for your partner's world, right? You're acknowledging that they have their own things that they focus on, their own stress, their own mental load. And you're not just assuming that they're available on demand for you anytime you want to talk about something, right? Like it's respecting the fact that maybe they need some preparation or they're just not in a good place to listen to you in this moment. Again, it's not about how much they love you or how good of a spouse they are. It's literally about just respecting their mental capacity and space, right? Number two, you're setting the stage for success. Instead of catching them mid-task, focused on something else, or doing something that they are choosing to be doing, you're agreeing on a time that you're both ready to listen. I'll tell you that when I contract with my husband to talk about something that's important to me, I always get a better response that when I try to bring it up like right in the middle of when he's catching the highlights of a game or something, right? Number three, it builds trust and safety. Your spouse learns that when you bring something up, it's thoughtful and it's not a surprise attack. Now, I will tell you, there is a huge fundamental difference between my husband and I. And I think many of you will probably relate. I am an external processor, meaning when I'm trying to think through something or figure something out, I like to talk about it out loud. That means that a lot of the times when I'm talking about something, that those thoughts are not fully thought out. I will say something and be like, oh my gosh, Monica, you are really overreacting. Let's tone it down a bit. Or when I say something out loud, I'll be like, oh, that doesn't make sense. Let's try something different, right? But I like to say it out loud, hear myself say it, and then I can process it. Whereas my husband is completely different. He's an internal processor, meaning he likes to be contemplative. When he's working through something, he's doing it in his head so that when he speaks, it's thoughtful and fully developed. Now, neither of these ways are better or worse than the other. In fact, there are scenarios when my way works better, and there are definite scenarios when his way works better. And actually having both creates some really good conversations. But before I understood that, I used to feel like I'm talking and he's not listening or not caring or not responding. And it used to drive me crazy until I figured out that I'm just talking and he is trying to figure it out in his head before he responds. And it's not that he's not listening, it's just that he's being contemplative. And also he now understands that a lot of times when I'm talking, he doesn't have to respond to like the exact thing that I said. Because probably if he waits a second, I'll take it back or dial it down or figure out a better way to say it. So now we understand that about each other, and it's so much more effective. So the reason I'm telling you this is when people feel safe, they stay open. And that's when real connection happens. If you can build trust in each other, that when I have something important to talk about, you're going to oblige me by giving me your full attention, whether it's now or in a few hours or the next day. I know that you care and that you want to hear the thing that's important to me, but you've got to be able to give me your full attention. And I know that when we contract about it, then you will give me your full attention. It's such a small thing, but it creates a ripple effect. There's fewer reactive arguments, more meaningful conversation, and a deeper sense of partnership and working together. So here is my challenge to you this week. The next time something's on your mind and you want to talk to your partner about it, instead of blurting it out or pushing through when the timing feels off, a great example that I always think about is this one time my husband was working on the sprinklers and it was super stressful for him because it was this DIY project that was way above his capabilities, but he really felt like he could watch a YouTube video and just switch out the sprinkler heads. And I wanted to talk about this thing that I had been thinking about for weeks. And for some reason I thought that he was elbow deep digging up sprinkler heads in our yard would be a good time to bring it up. Obviously, that ended really badly. And if I had just said, hey, I've been thinking about this thing and I'd love to talk about it with you, is now a good time, or can we find a time later today? That conversation would have gone so differently. And then this is the important part. You've got to trust your spouse to follow through. So maybe my spouse was like, hey, I'm literally in the middle of this sprinkler project. I can't give you my full attention right now, but give me another hour to finish this and then clean up, and then we can go for a walk and talk about it. The caveat is this that hour my husband thought it would take him to finish the sprinklers turned into like four. And instead of pushing, I just let him relax for a little while after that four hours of stressful fixing the sprinklers. And then we went on a walk and talked about it, and it was awesome. So once you contract for a time, whether it's immediately or sometime in the near future, when that time comes, be present. Put your phone down, give your spouse their full attention, and expect them to give you theirs. You'll be amazed how much smoother and more productive your conversations become when you both feel respected and ready to communicate. So that's it. That is the relational skill of contracting, a small shift that makes a huge impact. Because when you stop interrupting and you start inviting your partner to listen, you create that space for real connection and intimacy. No matter what you're communicating about, it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be intentional. And so that little question of is now a good time can transform the way you talk, the way you listen, and the way you understand each other. So try it out this week and I'd love to hear how it goes. Reach out to me on any platform and just let me know, hey, I tried contracting and it was awesome. Or if you have any questions about how this may or may not work in your marriage, definitely send them my way and make sure you join us same time, same place next week for a really cool conversation with a really cool couple. And until then, happy marriaging.