Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

Relational Reckoning: How to Decide if Your Marriage is Worth Fighting For

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 335

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Relational Reckoning is a powerful tool that helps couples take inventory of their relationship, identify resentment, and make informed decisions about whether to stay together or part ways.

• Using coaching or therapy as a "misery stabilizer" indicates deeper relationship issues that need addressing
• Relational Reckoning answers the question: "Is there enough good in this relationship to mourn what I'm not getting?"
• Create two columns - "Good" and "Needs/Missing" - to visualize your relationship inventory
• For each unmet need, consider whether it can be met outside the relationship or by yourself
• Some needs, like physical intimacy, require direct communication and possibly professional guidance
• This tool can be used annually to reboot your relationship and have honest conversations
• Working with a relationship coach helps ensure you make decisions with clarity and peace

If you'd like support with this process or want to schedule a free 30-minute relationship breakthrough call, visit monicatanner.com/call or email moni@monicatanner.com.


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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today I'm going to share with you a really useful tool that you can use to basically take inventory of your relationship, make sure that there's no unwanted resentment, and you can also use it to answer the question should I stay or should I go? Now, before we get started, I just want to give you a little update. We are six weeks out from officially launching my new book, bad Marriage Advice. So if you haven't already, make sure you go to wwwbadmarriageadvicecom, sign up to be on the wait list, because there are some goodies and bonuses that you get by doing that, and then get excited for its official release on September 30th. Now, if you want to be part of my book launch team, which you get a ton of bonuses and all you have to do is go and purchase the book on launch day and leave a review, but you're going to get a ton of behind the scenes. You're going to get put in a Facebook group with several of my friends that are experts, who are going to talk about relationships, answer your questions and do some special live Q and A's. You're just going to email me, monnyatmonicatanercom. Let me know you want to be on that list and you will have my absolute appreciation and excitement. All right, so let's get into today's topic Now.

Speaker 1:

I knew this was a timely tool that I needed to share with you because recently a lot of my couples have been asking the very serious question should I stay or should I go? And most recently I had a couple who let me know that they were basically just surviving from week to week between our appointments, meaning that we would have a coaching session and they would do well for a few days, but by the end of the week they were exhausted, really reconsidering whether or not they wanted to continue working on their relationship, and then they would have another session with me. So basically they were using coaching with me as a misery stabilizer. Now this is anytime you're using either a substance or a behavior to stabilize the relationship. So sometimes we use drugs or alcohol or food as misery stabilizers. We can also use coaching, counseling or gambling, some sort of behavior that kind of takes the pressure off, but it also keeps you from having really important conversations. So they were telling me this as kind of a compliment, meaning like when we do coaching with you, it keeps us going for a little bit longer.

Speaker 1:

But what it said to me is that we need to have some serious conversations about whether or not they wanted to continue working on the relationship. And the way I think about this is like when you're teaching a toddler how to walk. It's okay to hold both their hands, you know, and help them to go step by step, but eventually you want them to be able to let go of you and be able to walk independently. And that's what we work towards with all of the couples I work with, and so it's okay for them to hold on to me in the beginning, but after we've been working for several months, they either need to be able to walk independently or we need to reconsider the state of the relationship. So the tool I want to share with you today is called relational reckoning, and it comes from RLT and Terry Reel's work. But basically, what you're going to do is you're answering the question is there enough good in this relationship to mourn what I'm not getting? So some of the benefits of doing this exercise include doing an inventory of your relationship, rooting out the source of resentment, cleaning up your side of the street, identifying what your needs are and how you can best meet them, giving more perspective to your relationship, as well as answering the question do we stay and work on this or do we part ways? So that's just a few of the benefits of doing this exercise.

Speaker 1:

So first, before you start, I want you to make sure that you are in a calm and relatively healthy state of mind. So I like to think of it, the HALTS acronym meaning if you're hungry, agitated, lonely, tired or stressed, I want you to give yourself what you need. So, get something to eat, take a nap, go for a run, make sure that you're feeling pretty good before you start working on this exercise. Then what I want you to do is get a piece of paper and a pencil, because if you try to just do it in your mind, you're going to spin, and this exercise is really visual. I want you to be able to see your thoughts and I want you to be able to address them one by one.

Speaker 1:

So, with a paper and a pencil, I want you to write at the top of the page relational reckoning.

Speaker 1:

Then I want you to write at the top of the page relational reckoning. Then I want you to write the question is there enough good here to mourn what I'm not getting in this relationship. Now, remember we're doing this for your marriage, but you can use this for any relationship. You can use it for a friendship, for a work relationship, any relationship where you're thinking should I stay or should I go, or can I clean up some things in this relationship, some thoughts about it? You can do this exercise. So you're writing at the top is there enough good here to mourn what I'm not getting? And then I want you to divide your piece of paper straight down the middle into two columns. So in the first column you're going to label it good. In the second column you're going to label it needs or missing.

Speaker 1:

And then I want you to take a significant amount of time, so like 24 hours. I don't want you to just do this quickly. I want you to really focus on and think about what is good about your relationship or your partner. So when I do this exercise, there is a ton of good when I really focus on it, when I ask myself the question what do I really enjoy and appreciate, sometimes overlook or take for granted in my relationship? Well, for one thing, I think my husband is super handsome. We're very attracted to each other. We both work really, really hard. We communicate very well about our differences of opinion and ideas. We parent our children very well. We enjoy them together, we spend a good time together and in times of stress which we're going into a season of stress in the fall because my husband coaches my kids both play sports it feels like we're going in a hundred different directions at the beginning of school, but we manage it really well together. Now, we haven't always, but we've worked really hard, so we're a great team.

Speaker 1:

Now these are some examples of things that I would put in the good column. Now, after you've focused on that for a significant amount of time and you've put down a lot of things in that column, if you're struggling to think of the good, you might be suffering from some negative sentiment override, which is something that you definitely want to work with a coach or a counselor on, because that will negatively affect your relationship. So do your best to come up with as much as you can and put it in the good column. Then I want you to switch and think about what needs do I have in this relationship that are not being met? Now here's some examples from my own marriage.

Speaker 1:

One is I love to run, and I love to do it with a partner, and so I would love it if my husband ran with me. But there's a couple of reasons why he doesn't One. It's because he has no cartilage left in his ankles and so running long distances is painful for him. But also he doesn't run my pace very well. He either likes to run really fast and get it over with, or not run at all. To him I'm very slow, so running with my husband is not something that we do together, so that feels to me like something that's kind of missing. I would love it if we could run together, but that's not available to me in my relationship at this point.

Speaker 1:

Another one that feels missing to me is that I really appreciate being appreciated. So when I do a lot of work around the house which I feel like, especially in the very busy times I'm great at multitasking and I do a lot for my family behind the scenes, but I spend a lot of time alone, and so when I am meal prepping and vacuuming and cleaning toilets and working with clients and signing permission slips and doing work for the volleyball team and all of the things that I do for my family. Nobody really notices, but I'm a huge words of affirmation girl and I would love it if, every once in a while, my husband or my kids came home and were like mom, you're so freaking amazing, you did so much today. So that's a little vulnerable share, right? I do love it when people tell me I did a good job. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So those are some kind of needs or things that I feel like are a little bit missing in my relationship. So once you make a list of the things that you're missing, I want you to look at each of those things. I want you to ask yourself is this something I could find outside of my relationship? So for my first thing that's kind of missing, like a running buddy. I have been very fortunate to have amazing running buddies that are other women typically that are in the same stage of motherhood or just ahead of me in motherhood, and so we have been able to have wonderful discussions about how to get our toddlers to nap, what we're making for dinner, what to do with our ADHD kids, what to do when our kids miss curfew all of the things that, from a mother's perspective, are super helpful. So I have loved bonding and sharing and running with other women that are my age or slightly older. So that's how I can get that need met.

Speaker 1:

And then, as far as being appreciated and words of affirmation, I have learned how to give those to myself. So sometimes at the end of the day I will give myself a huge high five in the mirror and I'll be like great job, monica. The lines in the carpet and the sparkling bathrooms and the clean sheets on all of the beds, you are absolutely rocking it. You got so much done today. It doesn't matter if nobody notices, but you, you did fabulous work right, so I can give that appreciation to myself.

Speaker 1:

But maybe there's something on my list Like I wish my husband could make treats and enjoyed, like baking, and that he loved having treats with me, and that is something my husband does not enjoy doing, and so that need on my list goes unmet. But here's the relational reckoning part of it. I can look at that and be like okay, my husband doesn't really like treats or seafood, so that's not something we can like, do together and enjoy together. And so there is a sense of like okay, there is so much good in this relationship, there are so many wonderful things that we do enjoy doing together, that that little piece or part is worth kind of mourning, like, ah, I guess you know we go out for treats on dates sometimes, but it's not like something my husband really loves to do. It's something that I'm always initiating and I enjoy it. But I feel like I'm kind of enjoying it by myself and that's fine. I can totally live with that because there is so much good. So that's how I kind of mourn that Now you might be saying to yourself okay, monica, those are very small things on your list, like a running buddy, appreciation and enjoying treats together, but on your missing list perhaps there is something like physical or sexual intimacy that's missing or something really big and heavy, and that happens a lot.

Speaker 1:

And maybe you were looking at both sides of your list and you're like there is some good here, but there's a lot that I'm missing. What I would encourage you to do is get with a coach or a counselor and see if you can work through, if you can learn some relational skills or ways of requesting and talking about with your spouse the things that are on your missing list and perhaps their missing list. The last thing I want you to do is to settle, is to be like oh, I guess I'm never gonna get this thing and so I guess I'm just going to settle for not having it. That's not working on your relationship and that's also not mourning the loss. That's not actual relationship reckoning. What I want you to do is actually work through the things on your missing list to see if you can find it outside the relationship, and then you can give it to yourself or you can learn how to request it. Now, I realize that the sexual aspect is not something that you can give it to yourself or you can learn how to request it. Now I realize that the sexual aspect is not something that you can find outside the relationship or give to yourself. It is something that requires your spouse. So again, if you're finding yourself in that boat, please contact I recommend RLT trained coaches and counselors that can help you work through these things.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so that is the relational reckoning tool. I like to sit down and do this every single year, and I've asked my husband to do it as well, and so when we go on our annual trips, these are the types of things that we work on. This is how we can kind of identify how the previous year has gone and what we want to work on in the year to come. This is how we kind of reboot the relationship and we can be super honest with each other and have those tough conversations about. This is what I feel like is lacking in our relationship. What can we do about it? How can we work on these things maybe together, so that we can grow and evolve individually and as a couple? So that's the relational reckoning tool.

Speaker 1:

So, just to recap, you're going to get a piece of paper and a pencil and you're going to write at the top is there enough good here to mourn what I'm not getting in this relationship? So in the first column you're going to write all of the good or as much as you can come up with. And in the first column you're going to write all of the good or as much as you can come up with. And in the second column you're going to write what is missing or what you feel like you need or want in the relationship. Now I don't want you to make a decision about should I stay or should I go, without working with a coach or a counselor.

Speaker 1:

I realize it's a big decision and if you do decide to continue to work on the relationship.

Speaker 1:

I want you to have support and I want you to learn skills that are going to really help you make your relationship better. And if you decide that you are going to part ways, I want you to do that with peace, knowing that you've tried everything. So, again, if you would like some support or help with this, if you have questions, if you just want to email me your relational reckoning, get some feedback on it, you can reach me, monnie at monnietannercom, and if you'd like to set up a free 30 minute relationship breakthrough call with me, you can go to monicatanercom backslash call and by the end of that call you will have more clarity on whether you want to rekindle, rebuild work on your relationship or if you want to start the process of parting ways. So I hope that you will use that relational reckoning tool to really root out resentment and identify places in your relationship that you might have been taken for granted and show more appreciation for each other. And I will see you same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriaging.