Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

Teaching Kids Healthy Sexuality using the DRIVE Framework

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 333

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Teaching kids about healthy sexuality requires a thoughtful approach that prepares them for marriage, much like teaching them to drive requires instruction before handing over the keys.

• The DRIVE framework provides a comprehensive approach to sex education within families
• D for Dialogue: Keep conversations open, ongoing, and age-appropriate
• R for Respect: Teach children to view their bodies and sexuality as sacred
• I for Instruction: Provide education that matches developmental stages
• V for Values: Ground all conversations in family values about marriage and commitment
• E for Expectation: Build positive anticipation for intimacy within marriage
• Common myths about sex education can undermine effective teaching
• Fear-based messaging creates the problematic "no-no-no, go-go-go" dynamic
• Children need consistent, positive messaging about sexuality as God's gift for marriage
• Parents should model appropriate affection and open communication

If you have questions or need additional resources to talk to your children about sex and sexuality, please email me at moni@monicatanner.com, and check out my upcoming book "Bad Marriage Advice."


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Speaker 0:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I have been working on today's topic for quite a while, and I'm really excited to share this framework with you, and it's all about how to teach our kids about healthy sexuality. I've come up with an acronym that I'm very excited to teach you, based around how you're going to have these discussions and teach your kids healthy sexuality in preparation for marriage. So, before we get started on the actual episode, I want to let you know that I am so giddy about the progress of my new book, bad Marriage Advice, which is coming out really soon, and I want to offer you the opportunity to be part of my launch team, which has a whole bunch of really cool benefits. First off, you're going to get behind the scenes of the whole publishing process. So if you've ever wanted to write a book or you're curious what publishing a book entails, I'm going to give you all the details about how that came to be. Plus, you're going to be part of an exclusive group. We're going to have a Facebook group, and in there will be lots of my friends that are experts on all different aspects of marriage, so you'll get to be in that Facebook group. We're going to have special guests. You're going to be able to ask questions on topics related to the book and related to other topics in marriage. You're going to get first dibs on everything that comes out around the book. We're going to do some really cool activities and bonuses. So if you're interested in joining the launch team for bad marriage advice, email me, monnie at monicatanercom, and I'll get you on that list. All right now to today's episode.

Speaker 0:

Like I said, I've been working on this analogy for a little while, ever since I did a podcast and I was asked how I would teach and prepare kids to enjoy sex more fully in marriage, and I feel very passionate about this topic because the reality is, if we don't teach our kids about sex and sexuality, somebody else absolutely will, and they probably aren't going to do it the way we would like it done. So, whether our kids learn from their peers sharing misinformation on the playground, distorted portrayals in the media or fragmented conversations that they overhear, our children will learn about sex. So the question isn't whether or not they will receive this education. It's whether or not we, as parents, will take the lead in shaping their understanding with truth, wisdom and our family values. So this analogy that I kind of came up with in this interview that I did was comparing getting your driver's license to getting your marriage license. So I want you to think about how you approach driving with your kids.

Speaker 0:

We don't use fear tactics or tell them that cars are dangerous or forbidden. Instead, we teach them that driving is a privilege that comes with added responsibility. They understand from an early age that driving requires preparation and education, that there's an appropriate age and maturity level for this responsibility. They understand that a license represents readiness and legal permission in order to drive. They understand that the skills they learn in their driver's ed classes not only keep them safe but also everybody else on the road. And, most importantly, they understand that driving without preparation or permission has serious consequences. Right, they will most definitely get a ticket. They might get arrested. They might have a prolonged period of time before they can get their actual license. There are consequences for disregarding the laws around having a driver's license. Similarly, when we frame sexuality within marriage like a driver's license, we're teaching our children that sexual intimacy is a beautiful gift and a privilege that requires preparation and responsibility, that there's wisdom in waiting for the right time and the right context which I teach is marriage. They understand that marriage represents the commitment and maturity needed for this sacred responsibility and that learning about sexuality in age-appropriate ways protects and prepares them to be able to enjoy this freedom within marriage. Now, similarly as the driver's license, acting outside of this framework can have emotional, spiritual and physical consequences.

Speaker 0:

So before I teach you my framework for how to teach your children about healthy sex and sexuality, I want to address some serious misconceptions and myths that a lot of us have to overcome before we can have these conversations. So the first myth is that if we don't talk about sex, our kids won't think about it, which is a huge misconception, because even if you're super vigilant about what they're watching and listening to and what they're exposed to, children just are naturally curious about their own bodies and sexuality. When we don't talk about it, our kids learn that this is not something we discuss, and so it creates a lot of shame, unhealthy curiosity and misinformation on the topic. So we definitely don't want to just stay silent on this issue. Number two if we talk about sex, it will encourage promiscuity. Now I can understand where this idea comes from, but so many research studies have shown that comprehensive, value-based sexual education actually delays sexual activity and promotes healthier decision-making. Knowledge paired with clear values creates wisdom and responsibility, not recklessness. The third myth is that if we have the talk, it will be sufficient. But the reality is is that sexual education, just like driver's education, is a process that unfolds over time and it takes years, with age-appropriate conversation, not one uncomfortable discussion. Studies show that kids that are exposed to their parents' physical displays of affection are more secure and more prepared for emotional, physical and sexual intimacy within marriage. So I'm not suggesting that you do anything inappropriate in front of your children, but kissing, hugging, holding hands, affectionate touch will prepare your children to enjoy their sexuality more fully within marriage.

Speaker 0:

The fourth myth is one I get pretty passionate about, and it's that fear-based messaging will somehow protect our children from making bad choices. The reality is that teaching through fear creates shame, anxiety and often a lot of rebellion. When we present sexuality as inherently dangerous, bad or dirty rather than sacred, we rob our children of the ability to embrace it joyfully within marriage. Now, something I've heard a ton is this idea of no, no, no, go, go, go right. We teach that it's dangerous, that it's bad, that it's like playing with fire that we should stay away from it at all costs and then somehow expect our kids to flip a switch once they're married and all of a sudden think that it's awesome. So we need to be very, very, very careful of the fear-based messaging that we put around sex and sexuality.

Speaker 0:

And then the fifth and final myth I want to just bring up is that children should learn everything from their parents or nothing at all. So again, while parents should lead these conversations, pretending that the world doesn't exist is super naive. Your kids are going to get sexual messaging from movies they watch, from school, from their peers. So what is most important when we start these discussions in our family is teaching them our family values so they can filter what they learn and what they see through the values that we've taught them. So a good example of this is when our kids' friends might be doing things more promiscuous than we would want our children to do and they might bring it to us and say, oh, so-and-so is making out in the hallway at school, or so-and-so is sexually active, or so-and-so is pregnant out of wedlock, right. Instead of freaking out, judging those friends, telling our kids to stay away from them, we just talk about how their values might differ from our values in the same type of way that maybe so-and-so's family gets a brand new car of their choosing right on their 16th birthday and maybe our kids get like a hand-me-down car that all of their siblings have driven right. So it's just a little bit different in values. We're not judging the other families or their friends and their decision-making. We're just helping our kids understand how to filter their decisions through our family values. It's important that they understand what our values are and why they're important.

Speaker 0:

Okay, so with that, I'm really excited to teach you this acronym or framework that I created around how to talk to our children about sex and sexuality, and the acronym is actually DRIVE, which is so fun, right? Because that's the whole analogy of getting your driver's license waiting until marriage, right? So just as we teach our kids to drive safely and responsibly, we can use this same framework to guide our approach to sexual education in our families. So the D in DRIVE stands for dialogue, meaning we want to keep these conversations open and ongoing. So sexual education is not about the destination or the end result. It's about the ongoing dialogue that you're having with your kids throughout their lives.

Speaker 0:

Really, just as we don't teach our kids about cars in one conversation or wait until they're almost 16 to start talking about driving, we shouldn't approach sexuality as just one single talk that happens right before they need it. So we want to start with simple, age appropriate conversations when children are young. So, for example, we want to teach them that body parts have proper names and that bodies are special and certain parts of them we keep private. That we should be in charge of who touches us and when. Right, these types of conversations can start really young and keep being built upon all throughout their growing up, puberty, getting married and beyond. Right. So build on previous conversations as they mature.

Speaker 0:

We want to create a family culture where questions are welcome and not shut down, just like sharing things that they're seeing and learning at school or in movies. That we welcome them, that we want to talk to them about it, that we're not going to shame them or shut them down or judge other people around it, that we just merely want to use it as conversations and to share our family values with them. So the other important thing is really to use everyday moments as teaching opportunities. So, for example, when we see pregnant women, or if somebody in our family is pregnant, we can talk about that, maybe using incoming wedding announcements to start the conversation, or even when we come across scenes in movies or books. The last thing we want to do is show or teach our kids that we cannot talk about or tolerate these types of conversations with them. So make sure that you're bringing it up that it's nonchalant, that it's not something they have to get worried about, like, oh my gosh, mom's talking about sex again, that it's just an easy part of our everyday conversations.

Speaker 0:

I want you to check in regularly with your kids rather than waiting for them to come to you. A good example of this is regularly asking them do you have any questions about your changing body, about your period or growing hair or how to take care of your changing body? Right, like? All of those things are important things that we want our kids to come to us about, but if they're not coming to us, we want to check in with them about it. The last thing we want is for them to feel ashamed or bad or like something has gone wrong because we're not able to talk about it.

Speaker 0:

And last but not least, remember that dialogue goes both ways. We want to be listening to their curiosities, to their questions, to their concerns and observations. One of the things I love is having all the kids at my house and in order to do that we provide a lot of food for them, because then I kind of have my hand on the pulse of what's going on in the friend group who's dating who, who's talking to who the difference between those two terms. You don't have to be obnoxious about knowing all of the gossip, but when you can have those conversations with your kids, it helps you be more relatable and more helpful when it comes to sex and sexuality. So the D stands for dialogue. You want to talk openly and often about the things that your kids are experiencing and wondering about. All right, moving on to the R, the R stands for respect.

Speaker 0:

We want to teach our kids to respect their body and their sexuality as sacred. So this is where we move beyond just the biological information to the heart of our values. We always want to attach anything we're teaching our kids about sex or sexuality to our family values. We're teaching our kids that sexuality isn't just the physicality of it, but that it's a sacred gift from God meant to be treasured and protected. So we want to make sure that we're teaching the proper anatomical names for body parts without shame or embarrassment. I always suggest that parents practice in the mirror saying penis, vagina, orgasm, masturbation. Practice saying it to yourself in the mirror and practice saying it to your spouse so that you can say vagina and elbow with the same amount of emotion, so your kids aren't like triggering you when you're trying to have these conversations about body parts. Explain that bodies are made by God, that you are created in his image, that God doesn't make mistakes. Body image is so important to our children's developing sexuality. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be more healthy, but helping our kids have a healthy body image.

Speaker 0:

Whether they're short or tall, big or small, lean or muscular, we want them to feel comfortable in their own bodies. We want to establish appropriate boundaries for privacy and touch. So this means having conversations in your family about knocking on doors before entering, especially the bathroom. We want to talk about parts of our body that are not appropriate to allow others to touch and what to do if somebody does violate our comfort level when it comes to touch. You want your kids to be able to come to you with that information so that you can talk through it with them. We never want them to be ashamed or unable to let us know if something is going on that feels inappropriate. We want to model respect in our own marriage relationships.

Speaker 0:

Now, I am a huge proponent of affectionate touch. I think it's so important for kids to see their moms and dads kissing and hugging and brushing against each other, holding hands, but that means maybe not grabbing each other in inappropriate ways without consent in front of your kids, because we don't want to model something inappropriate that we wouldn't want them to feel comfortable with. Maybe until you have adult children, once your kids are all married, go for it. But modeling appropriate touch is really important. We also want to make sure that we're discussing the differences between how God designed sexuality and how the world often portrays it. So sure our kids, just walking around are going to see lots of inappropriate displays of touching or sexuality, maybe even the way other people dress or their public displays of affection and again, we don't want to judge those people, only help our kids filter their behavior through our family values.

Speaker 0:

One of the coolest things I read somewhere is that how important it is to talk about sexual intimacy as God's wedding gift to married couples. So the idea is you don't want to open your gifts before Christmas morning because that would ruin the surprise and the special, sacred nature of opening your Christmas gifts, in the same sense as we want to keep our sexuality special as a gift to be opened after we get married. The way we phrase that is God has asked us to wait for marriage so that we can experience the gift of our sexuality to the fullest. So R stands for respect. How do we respect our bodies and our sexuality? Moving on the?

Speaker 0:

I in drive stands for instruction, meaning make sure you're providing age-appropriate education for your children all along the way, just like driver's education, there's a curriculum to follow. We provide information that matches their developmental stage and emotional maturity, building foundational knowledge that they'll need for healthy decision-making. That goes for driving and for sexuality. So I did study child development in college. It was one of my majors. So I'm going to give you just a very rough outline of what you can teach your kids at different developmental stages. But if you're curious and you want more information about this, there are wonderful books written for every single one of these age groups that I'm happy to put together a resource for you. Just let me know that's something you're interested in at monnieatmonicatanercom and I'll do my best to put that together for you. But just a rough outline.

Speaker 0:

Between the ages of three and six teach your kids basic body awareness, privacy, appropriate versus inappropriate touch. So even at the young age between three and six, we can teach our kids what appropriate touch is versus inappropriate touch and how to handle inappropriate touches, whether it happens on the playground or with family or friends. It's important that they understand that they can come to you no matter what. Between the ages of seven and 10, we want to teach them more detailed anatomy. This is when it's going to be really important for you to be able to say those anatomical words. We want to teach them the basics of reproduction and the emotional and physical changes that come with growing up, like an overview of how their body is going to change as they get older. Then, between the ages of 11 and 14, is when we really get into puberty. We want to have deeper discussions about preparing for marriage and addressing cultural messages that they're going to encounter, maybe their sexual identity, their sexual preferences, those types of things that they're going to encounter out in the world, and it's important for you to know what those messages are that they're getting, so that you can give them the right information or the information that correlates with your family values at home Between the ages of 15 and 18, now we want to start talking about dating.

Speaker 0:

We want to talk about having appropriate boundaries for our sexuality, preparing for marriage, understanding sexual desire is normal but requires self-control. I think it's so important to address the feelings that will get stirred up as our kids spend time with the opposite sex, especially those feelings of attraction, that those are not something to be afraid of, that God gave us those stirrings, those feelings, to prepare us for sexuality within marriage. But it does require some self-control. We want to make sure that we don't overwhelm them with information that they're not ready for, but also that we don't withhold information that they need to make good decisions. So that's I Make sure we're giving our kids really good information.

Speaker 0:

The V in DRIVE stands for values. We want to make sure that we're grounding everything in our family values. This is what sets your sex education apart from what they would get anywhere else. Every conversation should be anchored in your worldview and family values about marriage, love, commitment and God's design. We want to consistently connect sexuality back to God's design for marriage. Again, we don't teach our kids to fear driving so that they're an anxious mess when they finally get their license. We teach them that driving equals freedom and responsibility. The same goes for sexuality within marriage.

Speaker 0:

We want to discuss why waiting until marriage isn't just a rule, but it's wisdom for their protection and it will bless them. We want to address peer pressure and cultural messages through the lens of our own values. Like I said, we don't want to judge the other kids for making different decisions. We just want to talk about how their values differ from our family values. This comes into play a lot when we talk about chores. Our kids do a lot of chores because work ethic is important value in our family, but they have friends that come over and never have to do any chores. It's just a difference in family values.

Speaker 0:

Now here's something I find really cool. We have an older son who is newly married and I haven't done it yet, but eventually I want him and his wife to be able to talk to our younger kids about some of the blessings and gifts of waiting until marriage, just so my younger kids understand why it's so important. I want them to explain how using that self-control and keeping themselves for marriage honors God, themselves and their future spouse, how they get to enjoy not only physical intimacy and sexual intimacy within marriage but also emotional, spiritual and recreational intimacy, and what a blessing it is to be able to share all of that within the commitment and covenant of marriage. So something very prominent is that the world tells us that if you love someone you should have sex with them. But God's version of love says if you love someone, you wait until you can offer them your whole life in marriage, not just your body.

Speaker 0:

For the moment, these are our family values and what I hope to instill into my children, because I know they're going to get exposed to so many different lies and I want them to be able to filter it through that lens of what we teach them is important for us and our family. It's not a foolproof plan, but it's way more effective than just hoping and praying. They'll know what our family stands for. So that's the V values, and then the E stands for expectation. I get so passionate about this right here Build positive anticipation for marriage. Perhaps the most important element of all of this is that we're not just teaching them what not to do what they can't do, what they shouldn't do, but we're creating excitement and anticipation for what they get to do once they're married, where they get to go once they have their driver's license right. It's a freedom that comes once they've met the requirements. So this is like the looking forward to getting your driver's license, looking forward to experiencing all there is to experience once they're married.

Speaker 0:

So when you talk about sex anytime you talk about sex, talk about marriage as something wonderful that they get to anticipate, like that gift from God to married couples. Share appropriate stories about joy and intimacy in your own marriage. A good example of this is right before my son got married. He spent the night with our family and I remember asking if he had any questions about the wedding night and he shared with me this really cool experience about him and his fiance and how they read a book together about sexual intimacy within marriage and they talked about the things that they were nervous about and the questions that they had and they found answers and so that both of them felt much more confident going into that wedding night. But also he knew that he could ask me anything and I fully intend on having conversations with my married children if they feel comfortable which I imagine they will, because it's a topic that we talk about in our family openly, about their questions, their challenges, their different ideas about sex within marriage.

Speaker 0:

It is something so special and so sacred, but I don't want them to be scared about it. I want them to look forward to it. You want to talk about the wedding night and the honeymoon as things to look forward to and get excited about, not just for the man, but also for the woman. You want to help your children understand that waiting until marriage makes all of those experiences more meaningful. I've encouraged my kids to pray for their future spouses and to prepare themselves to be good spouses, and this is a great way to do it. When your kids connect sexual anticipation with commitment, security and lifelong love, they're not going to want to experiment with it outside of marriage because they'll know that it's something that they get to experience together for the first time.

Speaker 0:

So let's review the drive framework. Is D dialogue. Make sure you're talking often and openly about sex and sexuality to your children. R stands for respect. We want to respect our bodies and our sexuality and God's design for marriage. I stands for information. We want to make sure, as parents, we're giving our children appropriate information that's not overwhelming, but also the information that they'll need to make informed decisions. The V stands for values. We want to make sure that everything we teach to our children are in line with our family's values, so they will have the filter by which to sift through information that comes from the world, from culture, from Hollywood and the decisions that they want to make regarding sex and sexuality. And finally, the E stands for expectation. And finally, the E stands for expectation. We want them to be excited and anticipate the freedom of their own sex and sexuality within marriage. All right.

Speaker 0:

So putting that drive framework into practice, just remember that, just like learning how to drive takes time, practice and patience. Drive takes time, practice and patience. Teaching our children about sexuality is also a process. So some days the conversations are going to go really smooth and you're like this is great, my kid's going to be a great driver. But other days might be frustrating, like teaching a teenager how to parallel park. It's not going to go smoothly, but that's okay. The important thing is that you keep trying. It's that you keep having these conversations and that you help your children understand that you are a safe, nonjudgmental place to ask questions. Be curious, get information that aligns with their values.

Speaker 0:

Keep your eyes on the long-term goal, which is, for me, raising children who will enter into marriage with healthy anticipation, proper information and strong values that will serve them well throughout their marriage. The long-term vision I'm talking about is that our kids will enter into marriage with healthy expectations and excitement for sexual intimacy. That they will understand their bodies and their sexuality as gifts to be treasured and shared with their partner. That they will be able to make wise decisions during their single years, based on understanding, not ignorance. That they'll be able to communicate openly with their future spouses about intimacy. This is such a big one. If they're used to talking about sex and sexuality with their parents and siblings, they're going to be able to take that ease and communication into their marriage with their spouse, which is so important in creating a healthy, thriving sex life. So in conclusion, to wrap this all up, the driver's license analogy reminds us that preparation, timing and proper context matter when it comes to both driving and sexual intimacy.

Speaker 0:

We don't keep our children from learning about cars because driving can be dangerous. We teach them to drive safely and responsibly. Similarly, we shouldn't keep our children from learning about sexuality because it can be dangerous. We teach them to understand it as a sacred gift meant to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage. As I said at the beginning of this episode, if we do not teach our children about sex and sexuality, somebody else will, and we may not like the results. The choice is ours and our kids are counting on us to get this right. If you have any questions about anything that we discussed in this episode, or you would like additional resources to talk to your children about sex and sexuality, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. Monnie, at monicatanercom, we can keep this dialogue open and ongoing and I'm happy to provide you with any resources or experiences that I've had in my 22 years of raising children. So I will see you all next week and until then, happy marriaging.