How to Stop Compromising and Create F.I.R.E in the Bedroom

You deserve a fulfilling sex life without settling or compromising. The FIRE method provides a framework for creating a deeply connected and satisfying intimate relationship that works for both partners.

• Higher desire partners often feel they must settle in their marriages, leading to resentment and diminished intimacy
• Emotional connection alone doesn't guarantee a satisfying sex life – sexual dynamics require specific attention
• F – Face your beliefs about sex that were planted in your "garden" growing up
• I – Initiate honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and preferences
• R – Rewrite the rules together as a couple, free from cultural expectations and shame
• E – Engage consistently through different life stages, creating rituals and "bridges to desire"
• Sexuality should be approached playfully, like recess for adults
• Regular "Sex Talk Tuesdays" can help normalize ongoing conversations about intimacy

For additional resources, download the FIRE worksheet at monicatanner.com/fire or schedule a complimentary 30-minute relationship breakthrough session at monicatanner.com/call.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Uncompromising Sex Life
• 2:56 The FIRE Method Framework
• 4:59 F: Face Your Beliefs
• 6:56 I: Initiate Honest Conversations
• 9:16 R: Rewrite the Rules Together
• 11:02 E: Engage Consistently
• 13:20 Resources and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 0: 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today's episode is going to be literally fire. Every once in a while there's a topic that I absolutely know that I need to address on the podcast because it's something that comes up multiple times during the week with my coaching clients and the couples that I interact with, and when this happens, I just know that it's time to do a podcast episode on this topic. So right now I want to talk about how to create an uncompromising sex life. It's been a while since we've talked about sexuality on the podcast and I am a very big proponent on not compromising in your marriage. It's a chapter in my book and I'm teaching a class on it tomorrow, actually. So Wednesday, july 16th at noon, I'm teaching a live class on how to stop compromising in your marriage in order to get more of what you want. If you wanna join us for that class, go to wwwmonicatanercom. Backslash stop compromising.

Speaker 0: 1:13

On today's podcast episode, I specifically wanna talk about compromising in your sex life, because I feel like a lot of partners feel like they have to just settle, especially when they're a higher desire partner, and it's hard to talk about the topic of sex with your lower desire partner. Most higher desire partners just feel like they have to settle. They feel like at a certain point in the marriage, they have to just stop trying and accept their fate, and this is where resentment builds and intimacy goes to die. I never want you to feel like you have to settle for anything in your marriage, whether it has to do with money, how you're raising the children and especially your sex life, how you're raising the children and especially your sex life. The beauty of marriage is that it's always changing and evolving, and the strongest marriages couples keep taking each other on, they keep asking for what they want and they keep growing and stretching for the benefit of both partners in the marriage. That's what keeps intimacy and passion alive. So in today's episode, I want to talk to you about a framework that I just created, called the FIRE method. I promise that today's episode is going to be FIRE, and I want you to take that word away from our time together today. So how do you bring the passion and the fire and the energy back into your sex life? You're going to use the acronym FIRE. Now there's a few things I want you to know about how to collaborate about your sex life before we get started.

Speaker 0: 3:05

First of all, one common misconception that I hear a lot of coaches, therapists and marriage experts refer to a lot is that there's this general consensus that if we help or strengthen the emotional connection, that the sexual connection will just follow. This is false. I have found that for the most part your emotional connection does help the sexual connection and most of the time is required for a strong sexual connection. But just because you are connected emotionally does not necessarily mean that your sex life will follow. For example, there are lots of couples who are good friends, who parent the children together well, work as a team to co-create their life, but one or both partners is still dissatisfied with their sexual relationship. It does take some additional work and there are different dynamics that govern your sexual relationship versus the other dynamics in your marriage. So while your emotional connection is really important, you still have to do some additional work on your sex life, and the reason for that is because there are so many factors that go into that sexual relationship, and that's one of the things that this FIRE acronym is going to address. So this FIRE method or acronym is a cheat code for how to reignite intimacy without compromising.

Speaker 0: 4:41

Each letter in the word FIRE stands for a phrase that will help couples stop settling and start creating a sex life that feels deeply connected and satisfying. So let's get started. The first letter, f, stands for face your beliefs. Now, the reality is you can't change what you don't accept, understand or are able to name. So the first step in changing your sexual dynamic, in your relationship both personally and with your partner, is to reflect on what you were taught about sex growing up. It's going to be really important to identify beliefs that are not necessarily serving you, such as myths like good girls don't enjoy sex, or men always want sex more than women do, or sex is a duty. Like good women keep their husbands satisfied. Right, that is actually a whole chapter in my book that is coming out really soon. So I want you to think about what you were taught growing up.

Speaker 0: 5:52

Now, emily Nagoski has a wonderful analogy about a garden. We all have a garden and when we are young and growing up, we have no control over what's being planted in our garden. So the seeds that get placed in our garden are from our parents, our primary caregivers, our teachers, leaders, society. But as an adult, it becomes your responsibility to tend to that garden, which means you need to examine the things that are growing there and ask yourself is this belief serving me in my marriage or is it slowly sabotaging it? So think about what you were taught about your body, about your spouse's body, about what's acceptable, and I want you to really think about. Is this strengthening our sexual relationship or sabotaging it? Journaling helps here. Meditation is good, prayer is good. Really name those beliefs and give it some deep reflection and examination. So that's F face your beliefs Now.

Speaker 0: 6:56

The second letter in FIRE is I. I stands for initiate honest conversations. Now, the truth about creating a sex life that works for both of you is that it will not happen by accident. You absolutely have to communicate about your wants, needs, desires, fantasies, all of the things. It can be tricky because all of these things are very vulnerable, so you're going to have to work together to create emotional safety around these types of conversations. You want to talk about your desires and fantasies. You want to talk about what's working in the bedroom, what's not working in the bedroom, what do you wish your sex life felt like, looked like? One thing I really want to emphasize here is this takes practice, and I want you to remember that emotional closeness supports sexual vulnerability. So if you feel emotionally close to your partner, you're probably going to be willing to share more vulnerably. But emotional connection does not automatically equal a satisfying sex life. There's more to it.

Speaker 0: 8:09

So if this is not a conversation that you're used to regularly having with your partner, I want you to try this request Go to your partner and say I've been thinking about how we can make intimacy more exciting and meaningful. Would now be a good time to talk about it, or could we think of a good time? I like to suggest that couples pick a regular time to review and talk about these types of sexual topics. My favorite thing is to recommend sex talk Tuesdays. So every Tuesday, you're going to go for a walk or a drive and you're just going to bring up the topic. How are we doing sexually? Do we like where this is going? What would we want to change? What are you liking or disliking about our experiences this week? How can we get better? What are you wrestling with this week? This is a really good place to start. All right, r might be my favorite. R stands for rewrite the rules together.

Speaker 0: 9:16

Here's the thing about a married relationship and no matter what your religion or spiritual beliefs are around this, the reality is that you, as a married couple, get to define what great sex looks like in your relationship. It's not up to your parents anymore. It's not up to your church leaders anymore. It's between you, your partner and a greater power. So that could be God, the universe, whatever you subscribe to, but this is your sexual relationship. So let go of any cultural myths, bad marriage advice or shoulds that you've believed around sex. Create your own blueprint together so you can ask questions like what does great sex mean to us? What turns you on emotionally and physically? What boundaries, needs or curiosities do we want to explore more in our relationship and how can we do that? I want to encourage you to play, get curious and experiment without pressure or shame. Remember that your sexuality as adults is like recess for children. It's where you get to explore and experiment. Use your imagination. Where you get to explore and experiment, use your imagination. It's extremely connecting and good for your marriage. Take away any expectations, any shame, judgment, and just really let yourselves explore, engage and get excited together. This should be fun. Find ways to make it more enjoyable and finally, the E in FIRE stands for engage consistently.

Speaker 0: 11:02

Like I said, a fulfilling sex life is not a one-time conversation. It won't get fixed overnight. It's a constant practice, something that you talk about all the time because it's constantly changing through the different stages and seasons of your life and marriage. Your sex life is going to look different in the honeymoon phase, after you have young children, when you have older children, you've got to be definitely more creative. And then, when your children start leaving the house and your body begins to age. There are challenges to work through in every single one of these stages. So keep showing up, keep talking about it, make sure that it doesn't feel like an obligation but something fun and exciting that you get to do together.

Speaker 0: 11:53

There are all different ways and things that you can try, like scheduling sex. This works for some couples and doesn't for others. You can create rituals of affection and playfulness, explore bridges to desire, which are ways to kind of warm up, whether that means getting some alone time, a warm bath, a walk together, watching a comedy special, laying in bed naked. There are so many ways to prepare your heart, mind and body for a sexual experience, and remember that there are so many ways to express yourself sexually, and they're all just as important. So remember to do your sex talk Tuesdays and be honest about your progress, appreciate your partner and the efforts that they're making in this department, and stay open to each other. Here's the most important thing I want you to remember you don't ever have to compromise when it comes to having a great sex life. You get to collaborate and co-create a sex life that lights both of you up. Remember FIRE stands for facing your beliefs, initiating honest conversations, rewriting the rules together and, finally, engaging consistently.

Speaker 0: 13:20

Now listen. If you would like help in this process, please do not hesitate to reach out. You can email me at monnie at monicatanercom, or just go to monicatanercom, backslash call and set up a 30 minute complimentary relationship breakthrough with me. I would love to help you through this process, and I've also created a worksheet that includes a lot of the things we talked about in this episode and questions for you to ask yourself and work on with your partner. You can get that by going to monicatanercom backslash fire. So I hope that this has been helpful to you and remember that I'll be here, same time, same place next week. And until then, happy marriage.