Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

3 Tips for Having Tough Conversations

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 329

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We often avoid difficult conversations, but addressing conflicts directly leads to stronger relationships rather than allowing resentment to build and potentially emerge "sideways." Understanding that all relationships cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair helps us recognize conflicts as opportunities for growth.

• Lead with curiosity, not accusation: examine your triggers, consider others' intentions, and share your experience without blame
• Say what you mean without being mean: describe situations objectively, own your interpretations, and express feelings clearly
• Listen to understand the other person's reality: open your heart to their experience instead of listening defensively
• The repair process is where trust forms and relationships become stronger and more resilient
• Having difficult conversations builds relationship "muscles" through temporary vulnerability that leads to greater strength

If you need help navigating difficult conversations, book a complimentary call with me at monicatanner.com/call


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Speaker 0:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I'm excited for today's episode because recently I had a very tough conversation with somebody that I care deeply about unintentionally said some things on social media that really hurt my feelings. Now I know her actions weren't intentional and it was very tempting for me to think that I was making a big deal out of nothing, that it would be easier just not to say anything. I know this family member is super non-confrontational, so I didn't even know if we'd be able to have a productive conversation about it. But I knew that it was eating at me and I knew that if I didn't say anything I would feel resentment. It might come out sideways the next time I saw them, and so I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to bring this up and bring it to their attention. So in today's podcast episode I wanted to give you a few tips for how to have really tough conversations, whether you're talking to your spouse, or you're talking to a family member or a friend, or even one of your children, and whether you're having a tough conversation about money, which we talked about last week, or sex or in-laws, whatever the case may be, I would say that it's always better to bring up your concerns with another person rather than stuffing them down and hoping that, with time, that your feelings will just go away. My experience doing that has either created a lot of distance, because there's misunderstanding and hurt and resentment, or those feelings come out sideways, meaning you don't talk about the things that are really bothering you, but you're making like passive, aggressive jabs at them or trying to hurt them in other ways that you're not aware of. So, if we remember that all relationships are an endless cycle of harmony, disharmony and repair, there's always going to be ruptures, there's always going to be misunderstandings, there's always going to be times when you're not agreeing or somebody says something that affected you in a way that they probably didn't mean. But it's worth having the conversation, not only for the other person involved, but also for yourself, so that you can gain more insight and understanding into who that person is and even why it might have upset you. So in my case, I saw that my dear friend was online and they were talking about something that they were super passionate about, which I do all the time, so I completely understand that. I clicked on her post and again, I know she didn't mean to, but she was very specific about a situation that was hurtful not only to me but to somebody else that I really love, and so I wanted to bring it to her attention because, again, I know she didn't mean it the way that it came out, but it was hurtful.

Speaker 0:

So a few things that I'm really proud of myself about is, historically, my knee jerk reaction. My losing strategy is usually retaliation, so when I feel hurt by something, my first reaction is to hurt back. I'm not sure exactly where this originated, but I know that that is my first go-to, and so when I originally saw the social media post, I took a breath and I shifted out of that knee jerk adaptive child reaction and I decided that I needed some time and distance to process what had happened. So I went to bed that night. I woke up the next morning, I got a good workout in, and as I was working out I kind of thought about the best way to bring up what happened and ask some clarifying questions, because I value myself and this very close friend of mine, because I knew that a conversation needed to be had, even though I was trying to talk myself out of it, like it's really not that big of a deal. It's just social media. Nobody really knows who she's talking about, but I knew that if I didn't say anything that I would stew about it, that it would come up at weird times, that the next time I saw her I would be thinking about it, and so those were all of my tells that I just needed to say something.

Speaker 0:

So when a tough conversation needs to be had, here are three things that can make it go smoother. Number one lead with curiosity, not accusation. So originally when I heard it, I wanted to retaliate, but also I wanted to just say you said this and I didn't like it. You said this and I didn't like it. But first I got curious. What is it about what I heard that was triggering to me, and why was it triggering? And then, what could be her intention behind what she said? So to kick off the conversation, I let my friend know how much I cared about her and our relationship, and then I let her know what I experienced. This is what I heard and this is the impact it had on me. I led with a lot of curiosity about myself. I got curious about her and instead of making broad accusations that she was being inconsiderate and unthoughtful and just acting in her best interest and not caring about its impact on anybody else. Those are a lot of accusations, but things that I make up. Right, I just simply let her know what I heard, what I experienced when I heard it and how that impacted me. And then I listened.

Speaker 0:

So the first tip is to lead with curiosity, not accusation. My second tip is to say what you mean without being mean meaning don't beat around the bush. I know a lot of people talk about using a sandwich method, like say one nice thing and then talk about the problem in the middle and then say something nice at the end. I don't feel like that's necessary. I think that you should cut to the chase, say what you mean and then listen, be open. You don't have to be harsh or cruel or again accusatory, but just talk about your experience from your point of view. Now, if you feel like there's some malice or mal intent, I would own that so you can say something like what I make up about what you said is that you don't really care about me, that you're totally inconsiderate.

Speaker 0:

Now you're saying things that are unkind, yes, but you're owning that, what I make up about that. So you don't have to be harsh, you don't have to be cruel. You do have to take responsibility for the story you're telling yourself about what happened. So the best way to do this is to describe what happened from the point of view of security cam footage. So no drama, no interpretations, just what happened as the security cam would have seen it, and then own what you make up about it. Own the story you're telling about what the security cam footage would have reported, and then you can express how you felt about that. That made me feel sad, afraid, hurt, whatever the feeling is there, angry. Whatever you feel about the story that you make up, it's good to let the other person know, and then you can add. What I would like now is so for me in this scenario. I talked about what happened, I explained my experience or what I made up about it. I said that I was heartbroken and then I asked for an apology. So that was the way in which I said what I meant, without being mean.

Speaker 0:

And then the third and final tip I'll give you about having hard conversations is to really listen. For most of us, as humans, when we're hurt. Our defenses go up when we have to have tough conversations with people. A lot of times we're listening for their missteps so that we can reload and shoot again, but what I really want to invite you to consider is to listen with an open heart, listen to understand their reality. So this is on both sides.

Speaker 0:

If somebody is starting a tough conversation with you, try to understand their subjective reality, and what I mean by that is their experience. Everyone makes sense to themselves. You might be thinking you're crazy. That didn't happen. But get curious, say what you mean and seek to understand what kind of crazy they might be. Does that make sense? So, on both sides of the tough conversation, you want to listen to understand the experience that the other person is having what was hurtful, what was hard, what made them angry, and by doing so, you get to enter into the repair process. And the beautiful thing about the repair process is this is where trust is formed, this is where relationships are strengthened, this is where you become more resilient.

Speaker 0:

So at the end of this whole experience, after my friend and I had gone back and forth on what happened, how we experienced it, how we felt about it, I felt so grateful and I was glad that the whole thing happened, because I felt stronger for being able to express myself calmly and compassionately. I understood her a lot better and I felt like our relationship truly was strengthened in that struggle. So my prayer for this episode is that it will give you some hope, that it will give you some guidance, that it will relieve some of the stress of having difficult conversations, because the outcome is often so much better than ignoring, stuffing down your feelings, hoping it will go away, talking yourself out of it. Having these tough conversations is like building muscles you have to be willing to do the hard work to break the muscles down, to be vulnerable, so that they can build up stronger. And it's the same with any relationship, whether you're talking about your spouse, whether you're talking about a friend, a coworker, one of your children, a beloved family member.

Speaker 0:

Having hard conversations will ultimately strengthen your relationship and if you need help with this, please reach out. You can book a complimentary call with me at monicatanercom. Backslash call. I'm not saying that these conversations are easy and you're not going to get it right every time. Sometimes it will go sideways, sometimes the person you're talking to will not be receptive and they will not be skillful, but I guarantee, if you practice those three skills that I just gave you one to start with curiosity. Two, to say what you mean without being mean. And three, seek to understand your partner's subjective reality Practicing those three skills will make difficult conversations go better, and I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that having these tough conversations will strengthen your relationships. So don't be afraid, dive in and please reach out if you have any questions or need any help, and I will see you same time, same place next week. Bye for now.