Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

How to Talk About Money Without Starting a Fight

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 328

Share episode

Money conversations don't have to lead to arguments—they can actually strengthen relationships when approached with the right communication tools and mindset. We explore three essential skills for talking about finances with your spouse that build connection instead of conflict.

• Understanding each other's money personalities and formative experiences around finances
• Learning to express your needs without blame or judgment
• Scheduling regular, low-pressure "money huddles" to stay on the same page
• Keeping financial discussions light and celebrating small wins together
• Remembering you're on the same team when financial differences arise
• Creating communication strategies that honor both partners' financial perspectives
• Walking or driving side-by-side can make difficult money conversations easier

I'm still offering my summer special for engaged and newlywed couples: three premarital or newly post-marital coaching sessions for the price of one. Email me at moni@monicatanner.com or set up a call at monicatanner.com/call. Also, watch for my upcoming book "Bad Marriage Advice" – get on the mailing list at www.badmarriageadvice.com for updates on when it will be available.


Send us a text

Speaker 0:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I'm really excited about our episode. For today we're going to talk about something I do not usually talk about, but I do have a lot of insight on this topic. Today's topic is how to talk to your spouse about money without starting a fight or getting defensive, which is actually a pretty tricky thing to do. But before we get started, I want to remind you that I'm still doing a summer special for engaged couples and newlyweds to do some premarital or newly post-marital coaching with the couple. This is super beneficial because it creates a really solid foundation to start on, and my offer is three sessions for the price of just one.

Speaker 0:

Now. During these sessions, we'll figure out what the couple's early dynamics are meaning when they're disagreeing about something or not on the same page. Do they tend to go one up or one down? Do they tend towards walled off or boundaryless? These things are really important to know about yourself and your partner, because it will also help you identify your losing strategies and things that will create dysfunctional dynamics in your marriage when things get tough. We'll also examine whether or not there's any past trauma that needs to be dealt with, as well as learn important skills such as re-parenting the adaptive child, moving into second consciousness, taking a break, conflict repair, how to stand up to each other with loving power, cherishing each other and, most importantly, staying connected even when it's hard. We'll answer questions about emotional, physical and sexual intimacy. These are all really important topics to look at in the beginning of your marriage so that you can deal with things when they're very, very small, even before they even become issues, and set the couple up for success. So if you are getting married or newly married, or you love a couple who is getting married or newly married, please reach out to me. You can email me at moni, at monicatanercom, or simply set up a call at monicatanercom backslash call so I can give you a certificate that the couple can use to set up their three appointments. Also, we're getting really close to the launch of my new book Bad Marriage Advice debunking myths that will make you miserable and what to do instead. It will be available on Amazon and other retailers, so you definitely want to get on that mailing list at wwwbadmarriageadvicecom so you can get all the updates on when it will be available. Such a great gift for all the marrieds in your life.

Speaker 0:

All right, so let's start talking about money. Now here's the thing with money. I am not an expert on actually making money. I'm pretty good at saving money but what I'm really good at is communicating about money in a way that is connecting rather than splintering. My husband and I come from very different money backgrounds, and so we've had lots and lots and lots of disagreements about money and we've had to communicate a lot about money. So today's episode is how to talk to your spouse about money without starting a fight, and it's based on a presentation I gave a couple of weeks ago with my friends Nate and Bethany from how Money Works. So I think one of the funniest truths about marriage that we hear all the time is that opposites attract, but then they fight about money.

Speaker 0:

Usually, a spender marries a saver, or somebody who's more spontaneous marries somebody who likes to plan. Often, one partner likes to spend their money on experiences, while the other is more interested in spending on assets, and then there's a partner who wants money that provides freedom, while the other uses money to provide security. These are very common dynamics between couples when it comes to money. The reason why this matters is because money is one of the top causes of stress in relationships. I was just at a mastermind where a good friend of mine, dan Purcell, brought a bunch of coaches and people that support marriages together for a few days to talk about our experiences in our business and also working with couples. And there was a really cool friend there named Dan Oki, and he talked all about his experience when he first got married with money. So he was definitely a spender. He had accrued a lot of debt because his philosophy about money was easy come, easy go. He figured he would just make money and pay off the debt leader. And he married a woman who was very indoctrinated with Dave Ramsey's save, save, save, and so they had a very difficult conversation a couple of weeks before they got married. Now I don't want to tell their entire story because they'll probably be coming on the podcast to talk about what they do for couples around money, which is really, really cool. But those initial conversations about where they both were with money and what needed to happen for both of them to feel comfortable in the relationship were very difficult. And now they have a company that helps couples manage their money work with their money, because it is a big sticking point for a lot of couples.

Speaker 0:

The reality is is that when you're fighting about money, it's not actually about the numbers. It's about how you're communicating. Money just happens to be a very tangible way to see your differences, and because people have such ingrained and entrenched money stories from growing up, it becomes a place where there's a lot of contention. But most fights aren't actually about dollars. They're about emotions, values and feeling misunderstood, which is why it's more important than ever to really be able to key in on some important communication skills, especially when it comes to money. So in this episode I want to give you three really good communication tools when it comes to talking about money without starting a fight. So the first skill and this one will take your entire marriage it's not like a check off the list type conversation, but it's something that you can start immediately, and that is to know and understand each other's money personalities and experiences. So basically, it's getting to know your partner's money stories.

Speaker 0:

This is something that my husband and I have spent a lot of time working on. One of my favorite places to talk about money is when we take vacations once a year to the beach. My husband loves walking on the beach, and we will spend hours and hours and hours walking and talking, and this is such a great time for us to ask questions Like tell me about your experiences growing up around money. Again, my husband and I are complete opposites in every realm of money. My parents both were employed and working when I was young, and we had lots and lots of money. I had all the latest toys. We lived in a very nice house. I don't ever remember asking for something that wasn't super easy for my parents to provide. Now my husband, on the other hand, grew up with six siblings in a very small, modest home. They had five children before his dad even graduated from law school. He remembers splitting a Snickers bar six ways on a Saturday to share with his siblings, and some of his siblings would take their little piece of candy to their bedroom and save it. So his experience growing up around money was very different than mine.

Speaker 0:

Now, as we were both entering into high school, my parents divorced, my dad went back to school, and so I had to earn my own money. So I was no longer really spoiled and got everything that I wanted. I had to pay for my own gas, my toiletries, anything that I wanted to do for fun. There wasn't money in the budget for that. I got a job, whereas my husband's family was just starting to really make more money, and so, as he was entering high school, he was now going from thrift store hand-me-down clothes to more designer things that he liked.

Speaker 0:

But I will tell you, for both of us, our upbringing set us up for a really strong work ethic. So while we often disagreed on how to spend our money, we both valued saving our money and working really, really hard to earn it. So that was nice, but it allowed us to have lots of fun discussions about. I would ask my husband questions like was there anything that helped you know that you had less money than maybe people around you, or did you ever feel like you didn't have as much money as other friends your age? I love asking him how he formed his really strong work ethic. And then we have long discussions about how we want to spend money when it comes to our children so that they will also develop a strong work ethic, and through our separate experiences, we understand that helping our children develop a strong work ethic can come in lots of different ways, but understanding our experiences growing up has really helped when it comes to understanding each other's money personality. So this first skill is knowing your money personality.

Speaker 0:

So in relation to my husband, I would be the spender, even though I don't spend that much money I really am a saver but in relationship to my husband, who is very much a saver, I would be the spender. I like spending money on experiences, where initially, when we first got married, he was always trying to really spend money on assets and investments where I was like we need to go on dates, we need to take our family on vacation. But it took a good amount of time for me to convince him that experiences were just as important as investments. So for my husband, who's the saver, security and peace of mind is really important to him. He doesn't like having any debt. He likes to see money in the bank account. He watches every dollar and sometimes it can come off as controlling or anxious, but it's very helpful for me to understand where he's coming from so that I don't feel offended or criticized or controlled by his ideas around money. And the same for me. I love spending money on experiences for myself, for my family, for my friends. I think that money is there to be spent on fun, and I don't love budgeting or looking at the big picture. So those conversations can get contentious unless we remember our differences.

Speaker 0:

Other money personalities include the planner, a freedom chaser. People equate money with different things like working towards goals and not being surprised, versus being able to be flexible and independent and not feeling restricted, right. So there's all kinds of personalities and values and preferences when it comes to how do we spend our money. So the first and probably one of the most important skills is to know your money personality, your partner's personality, and know about how those were formed. It will help you give a lot more grace when you're disagreeing about something. You give a lot more grace when you're disagreeing about something. Now the second money skill that I want to talk about. That's actually pretty challenging. It takes some practice, and this is to suspend judgment and blame. So, like I said, if you're communicating about money and you have two different money personalities and experiences around money, you're often going to run into lots of different areas in which you don't agree about how to get something done, for example, creating an emergency fund.

Speaker 0:

Now, blaming your partner sounds something like you never think ahead. We're just one emergency car away from disaster. That might be how one partner thinks, but a different way to communicate. That is I feel anxious when we don't have a cushion for emergencies. I need us to be able to build a small savings account which can act as an emergency fund so that I can relax. Do you see the difference between the blame and the expressing the need?

Speaker 0:

Another conversation that might be difficult is around how you use credit cards. Right, a blaming statement would be you're so irresponsible with your spending. How can you just buy without asking? We don't have the money for that? Versus I feel out of the loop when you make big purchases on our credit card without having a conversation with me first. I need us to agree on a spending threshold that we both feel good about. Do you see the difference there? Now, if you're disagreeing over priorities around money, a blaming statement might be you weigh so much money on things that we don't need, versus. I feel stressed when we don't talk about our financial goals. I need us to sit down and figure out what's really important to both of us so that we can work towards it together. Do you see the difference in those two statements?

Speaker 0:

So, learning how to talk about money where you're being vulnerable about your needs versus blaming your partner for not caring sound like very different statements. So approaching these conversations without judgment and blame is going to be a very important skill to practice and perfect. Now, you're not going to get it right every single time. There's going to be moments of frustration and, again, grace and understanding where each other is coming from is so important in those circumstances. But it can be something that you're both always working towards.

Speaker 0:

Now, the third skill I want to talk about is something that I have not historically been super good at, and these are scheduling regular money huddles, so you don't have to call them budgeting meetings or anything that is like triggering like that. I do not like operating from a budget. I've been very lucky my entire marriage, that these discussions or huddles have worked for my husband and I, so that I don't have to follow really a budget very closely. But here's some things I've learned about these huddles. First of all, schedule it so that you don't avoid it. You want to make sure that it's on your calendar, just like date night, just like your dentist appointments. Just have muddy money huddle Once a week was really important when we didn't have a lot of expendable income.

Speaker 0:

You can spread them out a little bit depending on how tight or loose you're feeling about needing to have these conversations. But originally once a week was a good cadence for those meetings. We would sit down for about 15 minutes so we don't make it super long and boring. We would talk about what went well that week, what's coming up like big expenditures, like maybe we need to buy a car or maybe we need to get the carpets cleaned or we need to pay off some medical bills. We talked about what went well, what's coming up and is anything feeling stressful Now these times that once I we had a bunch of kids and I wasn't in the day-to-day budgeting thinking about money, all of that.

Speaker 0:

My husband was paying a lot of the bills. He would need to let me know that we need to pay off this certain thing, or we're saving money towards a payment for our insurance, or he would let me know this is how much money we're having to save over here to the side that is going towards a certain thing. He would explain to me our investments, where money was coming from at different times. So it's really important to stay on the same page with these huddles. Another reason it's important is because he was handling all of the investments and bills and those types of things. If something happened to him, it's important for me to know where I could go to find all of our investments, find all of the money, things like that. So it's important to get on the same page.

Speaker 0:

So these huddles are important for a lot of reasons, but here's how to keep them fun. And not making a fight out of them is to keep the tone light, celebrate small wins, and sometimes using a shared app on your phone can be really helpful. There's so many important ones like Rocket Money, quickbooks and others that can help you kind of stay on the same page about what money you have coming in versus the money you have going out. And then here's, like a little bonus tip my husband and I like to do something fun after these little money huddles, because it sometimes can be a little bit uncomfortable for one or both of us. But, like I said, practice makes better right. So the more we would have these difficult money huddles, the easier it became for both of us. So just to recap here I don't want to overwhelm you there are I just talked about three skills for having better money conversations.

Speaker 0:

The first one is to understand each other's money personalities, styles and experiences. This really is helpful when you're disagreeing or coming from opposite viewpoints around something having to do with money. Number two is suspending judgment and blame. You're definitely going to want to get rid of you always. You nevers big absolutes and objective reality. Just remember, you're on the same team. So how can we work this out in a way that feels good to both of us? And then, number three, start those weekly check-ins. Again, these don't have to be really heavy meetings. You can keep it light, talk about what's going well, what's coming up and what is stressful for both of you. All right, you guys, now you are better equipped to have these money conversations without fighting about it. So I want you to try one of these skills this week. Don't try to immediately implement all three of them, just try one thing Start a conversation about money, even if it's imperfect.

Speaker 0:

Here's a bonus tip when you start talking about money, usually if you're walking or driving in the same direction versus looking straight into each other's eyes, these difficult conversations tend to go better. And remember, it's not about being right, it's about staying connected. That's how you'll know if you're doing it well. Can you have these conversations and remember suspending judgment and blame, staying connected, staying curious and staying on the same team. Now, if you have any questions about how to communicate about money, feel free to send them my way. Like I said, my husband and I have been married for 23 years. We come from entirely opposite backgrounds when it comes to our experiences around money and we've had to be really understanding and patient with each other when it comes to these money conversations. So we'll see you again next week, same time, same place, and until then, happy marriageing.