Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

My BEST Advice for Engaged and Newlyweds

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 326

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After an incredibly busy May filled with family celebrations including our 23rd wedding anniversary, my son's wedding, my daughter's high school graduation, and a week-long houseboat trip to Lake Powell, I'm reflecting on valuable relationship lessons that emerged during this special time.

• Shared a powerful relationship skill called the "I notice" technique that creates open communication without triggering defensiveness
• Explained how to properly use this approach by describing only what a security camera would see, not interpretations or judgments
• Reflected on early marriage challenges and how different schedules and communication styles created difficulties
• Advocated for premarital or newlywed counseling even when relationships seem perfect
• Discussed the benefits of establishing a relationship with a therapist before problems arise
• Offered insight into how Relational Life Therapy helps identify relationship patterns and triggering mechanisms
• Emphasized the importance of learning repair techniques and effective communication skills early

For a limited time, I'm offering engaged and newlywed couples a special package of three coaching sessions for the price of one. This can be purchased as a gift for couples you know or for your own relationship. Visit monicatanner.com and click on "work with me" to schedule a consultation, or email moni@monicatanner.com for more information.


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Speaker 0:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today's episode is going to be a quickie, super fun, kind of tying up a really really busy month. So if you've been following along, you know that May we lovingly refer to as Maycember, but for our family in particular, this year has been really exciting, with lots of fun events and changes. For our family it started off on May 3rd, which is me and my husband's 23rd wedding anniversary, and also my oldest son married his beautiful bride on that afternoon. So May 3rd was my son's wedding and also my anniversary. So that's super fun that we get to share an anniversary. And he got married in a different state and I was in charge of the luncheon, so we had rented an Airbnb. It was super fun because he spent his last night being single with our family. It was kind of the last night that our nuclear family got to spend together in a little Airbnb and we got to laugh and give advice and I was cooking and we just got to spend that last little bit of time with him alone as our son. And now I have a daughter-in-law. So the wedding was amazing. It was so fun. We did it in her hometown and she had lots of support from family and friends and it was just all around so nice. So that is how the month started off. And then we drove home for my daughter to play in tennis districts and then I drove back down to Utah with my younger daughter for a volleyball tournament and then directly back home for my tennis player daughter to play in state. And we had a lot of company come in town because right after she played in state she graduated from high school. So that was super cool, really fun to have my family in town to support her. She walked, got her diploma. It was really fun to host that and get to be a part of that.

Speaker 0:

And then, right as soon as that was over, we jumped in the car. Our company all went home. We jumped in the car and drove 11 hours down to our favorite place on earth, which is Lake Powell, and we stayed on a houseboat for a week. We took nine friends with us. So my older daughter invited four friends, my younger daughter invited four friends, my son invited a friend, and then my son and his wife also came with us. So that was super cool, but it took a lot of preparation, because you're basically camping on a houseboat in the middle of nowhere, so I had been cooking and prepping for all of this. We took 16 people from our area and then the boat owner brought another eight people, so there was 24 people total on the boat. I was the only mother. I was in charge of all of the food, but it was a wonderful, wonderful week and in the middle of all, that was also Mother's Day at some point, and I've also been working on promoting my book, seeing my clients and, and the month ended May ended with my 46th birthday. So I turned 46 just a couple of days ago.

Speaker 0:

If you're listening or watching in real time, so that was the month of May. It was really packed, really full. We had some great podcast episodes in there. So if you have not yet listened to the episode on how to keep your connection with your spouse and your sanity during the very busy times, trust me, I recorded that episode with experience and in the busyness, so I can tell you for sure that one of the most important things that you can do is stay really close and connected to your partner, your teammate, to be able to make all of that run more smoothly.

Speaker 0:

So today's episode I wanted to talk a little bit about our trip to Lake Powell. It was super fun. I had my whole family of seven now my son and his wife were there, so it was really cool to get to see them interacting and being together. There was also an engaged couple about to be engaged couples, and then a bunch of you know, girls that just graduated from high school and teenagers. So the youngest person on the boat was 13. And then I was the second oldest, the owner of the boat, who is a dear friend of ours and I've talked about him on several podcasts, but his name is Matt Fairbanks and he was there. His wife didn't come this time. She is training for a huge race and like where she hikes a really tall mountain I can't remember the elevation now, but it's really high and so she needed to stay and train for that. So he came on his own and then my husband and I and then all the rest of the kids were 25 years of age or younger, and so it was fun to spend time with that age group and also having these couples this newlywed couple, this engaged couple, this about to be engaged couple, and then these single kind of kids who were now you know, now pretty much of marrying age, and so it was a cool combination and when they found out what I did for a living, they had lots of questions. So it was really fun to interact with them to be able to give some advice and counsel on how they're doing.

Speaker 0:

One of the boys who was there had told me this story about how he got in a fight with his girlfriend just before coming. It wasn't really a fight, but they had kind of a standoff because they were his. His girlfriend was coming late, so she wasn't there yet, and originally he was going to come down late with her but at the last minute decided he wanted to come at the very beginning of the trip. So he was there a couple of days before her and when he changed the plans on her she was a little upset and he noticed that she was upset by kind of the thing that she usually does, and so we kind of talked through that and I gave him some advice on that. I said most people would do blank and he was like, yeah, I totally did that. And so I gave him like a really cool skill that he could use, which kind of became a running joke the whole time we were on the boat, cause everybody was listening and they thought it was good advice, and so everyone is kind of practicing this skill.

Speaker 0:

That works not only in relationships like a marriage or a like a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, romantic relationships, but it also works with your kids, with your coworkers, with your friends. It's a relational skill, so it works in any relationship that you're in and I guarantee if you master this skill, the quality of your relationships will go up and it's just like an emotional maturity kind of thing. So I'll share that with you. So basically he was like you know, my girlfriend was upset and so maturity kind of thing. So I'll share that with you. So basically he was like you know, my girlfriend was upset and so she kind of stopped talking to me and I could tell she was upset, but you know she wasn't really being forthcoming about what it was that she was upset about, but I kind of knew. So of course, I was like what's, what's the problem? Like why are you being so quiet, or whatever? And I gave him this skill. So this is the skill it is to start with, I noticed. So that is like the cheat code keyword.

Speaker 0:

I noticed that after I told you that I was changing my plans and I was going to go early to Lake Powell, I noticed that you got really quiet. So here is the keys to making this work effectively quiet. So here is the keys to making this work effectively. I noticed is the phrase that you use and that one comes after, I noticed, is a description that the security cam footage would show. So you're not saying you know. I noticed that you were really frustrated. I noticed that you, you know, freaked out or whatever. Those things would not be picked up on security cam footage. What he noticed is that she got really quiet after he told her about the change of plan. Right, cause the security cam footage would pick up that she was not talking and that she was being quiet. Right, and then you invite them to share with you what that's about. So I noticed you went really quiet after I told you about my plans of Lake Powell changed. I'd love to know more about what that is or why you went quiet, or what I can do to help, or whatever.

Speaker 0:

So that is the skill. It is a relational skill. Like I said, it will work in any relationship that you use it in and it is awesome for creating open communication about something that's bothering somebody that you know, versus saying you know what the heck? What's your problem? Why aren't you talking? You know. That creates a lot of defensiveness, closed offness, whereas this invitation, I noticed, really can open up some good quality conversation and help you understand more about the person that you're talking to, which is always the goal of relational communication. Okay, so that was really fun.

Speaker 0:

I got to give that piece of advice and people listened and then we were kind of everybody was joking about it for the rest of the trip and like it was cool, because I was confident that most of the people on that boat, especially those who were in romantic relationships or dating, went home with that skill, and so this same boy, who he is getting really close to proposing to his girlfriend. We're really, really excited. They were such a darling couple, so excited for them. He also asked me at one point what is your best advice for couples who are getting married? And I had to think about that for a second and I thought you know what? Here's the thing my husband and I have been married for 23 years, but I will tell you that the beginning of our relationship was definitely rocky and I was thinking about this a lot on the boat because right after our trip my son and his wife and also our daughter so three of them they left right from the boat to go sell for the summer. So they're selling solar in Minnesota and there was a point on the trip where I could tell that something was bothering my daughter-in-law and it was so cool to watch my son and her, you know kind of work through it, resolve it. Everything ended up great Right, but I knew exactly what she was going through because I remember my husband and I got married and immediately took our honeymoon and went down to sell for the summer and I remember hating that summer.

Speaker 0:

It was really difficult for me as a newlywed because we had completely different schedules. I was waking up really early, I had to be to work by seven in the morning and I would work often until seven o'clock at night, where my husband's schedule. He didn't have to be to work until 11 and then he would often work until 11 o'clock at night. So they were long days and we were on very separate schedules. So by the time my husband got home from work in the night, I was exhausted and needed to get sleep so that I could be functional the next day, and he was definitely not waking up super early with me. And so I remember just having this, these feelings of is this really what I signed up for? Like I, I thought we were going to have all this time together and we were going to have so much fun and we're going to do things together, and I barely ever see you and I don't feel like we're spending any time together. And I remember like halfway through the summer I just had this breakdown where I was like I never get to see you, I I'm, I'm not enjoying this. I didn't think this is what marriage would be like.

Speaker 0:

And at first he did not handle my crying very well. So early in our marriage my husband did not do crying, which he's much better at it now, with four children and you know a wife that gets emotional often he can handle it much better that early in our marriage. So that shut him down immediately. So when he saw me crying, it wasn't like he's like what's wrong, how can I help you? I snuggle you Like I want to make you feel better. He was like whoa and I think his reaction to crying was like what did I do wrong? Like he's like I'm about to get attacked, I just, but I want to stay far away from this situation. So that in and of itself didn't go well. But then, once I calmed down and I wasn't crying and we could have a conversation about it, I just told him my feelings that, like, this isn't what I signed up for, I thought this was going to be different. And he said just hold on, wait until we get to school at BYU, and I promise things will be different. And he was right. I just had to hold on through that tough three months and then we had a blast at college.

Speaker 0:

We still had different schedules. I worked full time and he went to school full time, so he would be out late studying a lot. But we spent all of our money on a sports pass, and so we would go to the football games, the basketball games, the soccer games, the water polo games, the volleyball games, any game that we could get into with this pass. We did. And we also were very religious about our date nights. So there was we didn't have any money, but there was a movie theater that was close by and it had 50 cent tickets on Tuesday, and so we would go to Wendy's and each of us would get two things off the dollar menu and then we would each buy a 50 cent movie ticket and we would see all of the good movies and eat dinner for $5. That was our date night. So there's been a lot of inflation since then, but that was so fun.

Speaker 0:

But we did have our share of struggles. We didn't communicate very well, we didn't have a lot of relational skills, we were coming from two very different backgrounds and it was hard to mesh our ideas and our experiences and things like that. So while we did have a lot of joy and fun, there was also a lot of painful times. So let me bring this back around. I have a heart for newlyweds. I know that it's difficult for two people who come from very different backgrounds or even similar backgrounds but different people to figure out how to mesh their lives together and have the relational skills. Because it's not your fault, relational skills are not taught really anywhere, and so my best advice for newlyweds is to find a relational life practitioner, so an RLT practitioner, and do a couple of sessions of either premarital or newlywed therapy together.

Speaker 0:

And the reason why I think this is so important is because, even if there are no problems yet, you get married and I see these kids, right, these newlyweds and these engaged, and this madly in love. They're in this season of being madly in love and what could ever go wrong? Right? We love each other so much. What's the problem? What could ever be the problem? Right, but there's so much hope and promise and excitement for the future. However, there are always things that come up. There's always going to be challenges, there's always going to be trials, there's going to be roadblocks and things that really challenge the relationship.

Speaker 0:

And so getting good premarital counseling or newlywed kind of seeing somebody as a newlywed, is a great way to set yourself up for success for a few reasons. Number one is you can learn a lot about yourself, about your relationship template, about your losing strategies, about where you, where you fall on the relational or the trauma grid right, there's a lot of things that a relational life therapist specifically can tell you about you and your partner. So these, I think, are very valuable things to kind of have the knowledge of going in, as well as give you a few skills, the first of which is how to really go from first consciousness to second consciousness, which that's a fancy way of saying. Are you really in the driver's seat? Is your prefrontal cortex, your wise adult self, making the decisions, or are you in your complete? We call it the adaptive child, so are you having a knee-jerk reaction? Are you in your complete? We call it the adaptive child, so are you having a knee jerk reaction? Are you in protection mode fight, flight or flee? Are you acting from? Your amygdala is activated, you're triggered, you're responding not to your partner, but to something from your past.

Speaker 0:

That's a great skill is to be able to recognize that and get some really good skills as to how to take a break or get your prefrontal cortex back online before you do something else, which John Gottman calls a regrettable incident. Right, you know working with that and then learning some skills that will help you communicate better about things that are going to come up. So learning how to repair, learning how to make requests, learning how to you know talk about, I notice, which is kind of a soft startup. So what I do as a coach is I combine a lot of John Gottman and Terry Real and Sue Johnson and a few others that are just really solid Emily Nagoski all marriage researchers that have written books that are very knowledgeable, and I also gave some book recommendations, which I'll do for you here Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Come as you Are, my new book, Bad Marriage Advice All of those are really good fundamental books that can set you up for success.

Speaker 0:

But I really think there's nothing better than having a few sessions just to set you up for success. So you'll have, you know, you'll kind of have your losing strategy profile. You'll know more about the dynamic that you're going to create in your relationship. I mean, you've you've probably been dating for a while. You're engaged, you know, newly married, the dynamic is set right, you're already operating under that dynamic. So, learning about that dynamic, learning some skills to better communicate and repair after conflict, and so it's just a couple of sessions when there's no problem, you know, when you're not feeling like really under fire, and then you've already established with someone. So when not if, because I promise you you're going to face challenges when you hit a stumbling block or you know a bump in the road or road, or you need to make a big decision or you're struggling through something you're already with somebody who understands, who knows who you are, knows about your dynamic, understands you as a couple, so you're not starting from zero, that you feel comfortable going to this person and bringing up kind of what you're going through and you can make progress through it very quickly.

Speaker 0:

So my best advice for newlyweds is to go have a couple of sessions with an RLT practitioner, and so in light of that, I decided to create a very, very, very special offer because, like I said, I have a heart for these newlyweds. I know it's not easy, contrary to what people think, setting yourself up for success is so crucial, and so I'm offering three sessions to newlyweds or engaged couples. So either premarital counseling or newlywed sessions for the price of one. Now, I can't do this for very long, but I don't have a lot scheduled for this summer, so as long as I'm not fully booked, which is going to happen in September I do get really really busy once school starts but for this summer at least, I'm offering three sessions for the price of one.

Speaker 0:

Now you can do this for yourselves, you can do this for a newlywed couple or an engaged couple that you know, your kids or your kids' friends, or anyone who is getting married. Now this can be a first, second, third marriage, it doesn't matter. This is a really good way to set that couple up for success. So if you're interested in doing that, I want you to go to monicatanercom and click on the work with me and we'll set up a 30 minute consultation. It doesn't have to be 30 minutes if it's not for you, but I'll tell you how to set up three sessions and obviously the couple will work with the couple's schedule to set up these three sessions. But you can pay for it and then we'll make sure that you know.

Speaker 0:

I'll send a really cute card that you can present to the couple, either at their wedding or their engagement party or a shower, or however you want to gift that to them. We'll make sure that it's really special and it looks awesome. It is a gift from the heart. I think it is such a valuable gift that you can give these kids that are to be able to start off on the right foot, and we will go from there. So you can either send me an inquiry and my email is moni M-O-N-I at monicatanercom, or just go to monicatanercom and click on the link to schedule.

Speaker 0:

So thank you guys, so much for listening. Again, I hope that you can feel my passion for these engaged couples and these newlywed couples. They are so special, there is so much excitement and promise and hope in them right now and if we can just give them a little bit of boost and some skills, we can really set them up for success. So I hope that you'll take me up on this very special offer and I hope that you'll join us next week for another fantastic episode and say again right here, same time, same place next week, and until then, happy marriaging, happy engaging, happy relationing. I hope that these episodes are helpful for you and I will see you very soon.