Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

The Psychology of Sexual Disconnection and Five Steps to Restore Intimacy

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 318

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Passionate relationships require more than love—they need the right psychological dynamics to keep desire alive. When couples come to me feeling more like roommates than lovers, they're often surprised to learn that their sexual disconnection has less to do with libido or attraction and more to do with unrecognized emotional patterns.

The truth about passionate marriages might surprise you. While emotional connection matters, your sexual relationship operates with separate dynamics that need specific attention. Differentiation—maintaining your sense of self while being emotionally connected—creates the foundation for desire. As relationship expert David Schnarch explains, people who struggle with differentiation often resort to control tactics or emotional distance rather than healthy interdependence.

Your sexual connection is also deeply influenced by context, as Emily Nagoski brilliantly explains. Desire isn't simply spontaneous—it's responsive to your environment and circumstances. This means transitioning from daily responsibilities to intimate connection requires intentional shifts in mindset, not just spontaneous attraction. Meanwhile, Esther Perel reminds us that "fire needs air"—eroticism thrives in the space between partners, requiring some degree of mystery and novelty to remain vibrant.

The good news? These dynamics can transform with intentional effort. Start by reconnecting with what makes you feel alive and embodied, practice differentiation by expressing needs without controlling your partner, and prioritize whatever helps you transition into a sensual mindset. Build erotic tension through flirtation and novel experiences, and commit to regular conversations about your sexual connection.

Sexual disconnection isn't a life sentence—it's an invitation to grow together. Remember that having differing levels of desire is normal in every aspect of marriage. With understanding and the right tools, you can rediscover the passion that may have temporarily dimmed and create a sexual relationship that's fulfilling for both partners.

Have questions about your own relationship dynamics? Reach out to me directly—I'm passionate about helping couples move beyond roommate syndrome to rediscover true intimacy and desire.

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Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today I wanted to talk about something a little bit more spicy. I feel like it's been a while since we've talked about sexual intimacy and for some reason it is coming up so much with my couples. I ask them when we start, always to tell me about their sex life, and I feel like right now especially, a lot of my clients are wanting to focus predominantly on that. So I just took a course, finished it up, called sex and RLT. So I learned kind of how to weave in a couple's sexual dynamic into kind of the RLT arc. It was super helpful and because this topic is coming up so often in my practice, I have kind of just dove in with books. I have multiple books on my nightstand. I'm listening to books and taking whatever classes and information I can get my hands on on how these dynamics play out, and so I'm ready to share a little bit of what I'm learning here on the podcast. So we will be talking about sexual intimacy. If you have little ones around, maybe put in some headphones. We won't be talking about anything graphic, but I will be using the word sex. So in today's episode I really wanted to talk about why sexual disconnection happens in long-term relationships, the psychological and relational dynamics that are at play when we feel sexually disconnected from our partner, as well as give you some concrete steps that you can take right now to bring passion and intimacy back into your relationship. Sound good? All right, let's get started.

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So I hear so much from couples in my practice, but also just kind of around town when I'm with my friends and things like that. We love each other, but sometimes the sex is kind of around town. When I'm with my friends and things like that, we love each other, but sometimes the sex is kind of like meh right, many couples report feeling more like roommates, which is part of my brand. I help you ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to that intimate friendship and passionate partnership that we all long for. But what I want to make really clear is that if you feel like your sex life is lacking, it has less to do with low libido or lack of attraction to your partner, and actually it has a lot to do with emotional patterns that you haven't recognized yet Now I do want to make clear because this is a very prevalent thought among therapists especially couples therapists and coaches that if you kind of nurture the emotional relationship, if you help a couple feel emotionally connected, that their sex life will just follow suit.

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And I want to make clear that that's not the case, that there are separate dynamics taking place in your emotional relationship versus your sexual relationship. There are actually so many factors that play into your sexual relationship that don't necessarily affect the emotional relationship. So if you're looking for a counselor or you're looking for a coach or somebody to help you through this, one of the questions that you could ask is do you deal with our emotional relationships separate from our sexual relationship? Because they are separate, a lot of couples who feel disconnected emotionally might feel absolutely fine about their sex life, or couples who are feeling great emotionally are really struggling with their sex life, so the two aren't necessarily exactly correlated. So recently I finished the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, and he is one of my favorite experts on the topic of how to create passion within your marriage, and one of the big topics or factors that he talks about when you're wanting to create a better sexual relationship is this idea of differentiation. Now, it's a complicated idea that has lots of parts, but simply defined differentiation means being able to hold onto or recognize your sense of separateness in the face of being together with a significant other person. So he also talks about being able to emotionally regulate and hold onto yourself when things aren't going your way. But a good example of this is being able to really maintain a sense of separateness or independence, even when your partner might disagree or see things differently or not support you in the way that you think that they should.

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So an example from my own marriage is when I wanted to get started as a couples coach many, many years ago, and I remember I really wanted to be an author and write books. I remember my husband being very hesitant, like he was nervous for me, and it's not because he wasn't supportive, it's just, a he didn't see my vision and B he was very concerned about what people would think. We are part of a very conservative religion and our family and our social group are very conservative, and so the idea of me talking about intimacy or sexuality or anything like that online, he felt like, would probably catch a lot of criticism and judgment. And he was right. I did have to overcome a lot of criticism and I still do for the things that I talk about publicly. Now what differentiation looks like is me taking that feedback from my husband and appreciating it, but also sticking to my guns. Now I really wanted to do this, and I always have.

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I feel very passionate about my calling to help couples with emotional, physical and sexual intimacy, and so I was willing to undergo all of that. I was willing to kind of stand up for myself when my husband was like I don't know if you should do that, I feel a little bit nervous for you, I just don't know how that's going to go. I was able to say thank you for your concern. I do appreciate that, but I do feel strongly that this is what I need to be doing. I feel very called in this direction. So I am going to continue to do that and I want to hear your feedback and your opinions, but I'm still going to do this thing that's in my heart that I feel very called to do. So that is an example of differentiation. Now the opposite might look like oh, you're right, I probably shouldn't do that and that would be not good for me and I don't want to do something that makes you uncomfortable or nervous, right? So that would be undifferentiated, and that's the type of thing that kills passion. So me being able to kind of stand on my own two feet in the face of his uncertainty is what creates strong, differentiated couples.

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So a quote from David Schnarch is people who can't stand the anxiety of maintaining their own selfhood in an intimate relationship will opt for control or distance instead. So that's a very like layered quote, but it gives you an idea that it does cause anxiety when your partner doesn't see it your way or doesn't support you. But if you can maintain your own sense of selfhood in the face of that, you are creating a very healthy dynamic in your relationship. He also talks about how couples confuse emotional fusion or enmeshment or codependence. It's called by all of those terms with intimacy and that doesn't necessarily mean the same thing. Right? So you can be intimate and really know your partner and want to know them and understand them without being codependent or enmeshed or kind of dependent on each other to gain your own sense of self. Does that make sense? So when you're in mesh or codependent or you depend on each other for your own sense of wellbeing, that kills passion. But passion really thrives when both partners remain emotionally connected, so intimate but also self-defined. So you need that sense of separateness, that you're both your own individuals and that there's room for both of you in the relationship to develop and evolve and become who you're meant to become. But you can do so choosing each other. So another marriage kind of sex researcher that I follow and love and have read her books repeatedly is Emily Nagoski, and she talks about how context is everything.

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So desire isn't just spontaneous, it's responsive. So you may have heard me talk about this before, the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. But what's happening around you deeply impacts how you feel about sex in any certain moment. So a good example of this is, for example, if I'm working at my computer on a spreadsheet or something that's complicated and taking a lot of my brain space and my partner comes in and is like, hey, you want to go to the bedroom. He might be feeling spontaneous desire, where I am definitely not in the mood when I'm crunching numbers to just immediately be like, oh yeah, let's do it Right. So you have to be aware of what your partner is thinking about and experiencing and that comes with good communication Like, hey, a better, instead of my husband coming in and saying hey, do you want to get busy in the bedroom right now, while I'm in the middle of something, he may come in and be like hey, what are you working on? Is there anything I can do to help? I would love to spend some time with you when you're finished with that project. You know, maybe in an hour or so we can connect in the bedroom, and that would be a much better way to prepare me and get me kind of thinking in that direction, instead of just assuming that I can go from crunching numbers to a beast in the bedroom, right?

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So a lot of what Emily Nagoski teaches and kind of brings to the forefront in her book is that sometimes it's not that there's anything wrong with your libido or your desire or anything like that. It's just about working together to remove stress and resentment and those types of things that put a damper on your level of desire. And if you can do that together with your spouse, that's a really emotionally connecting exercise. So, moving on, you guys know I talk about Terry real a ton, and his big thing is relational empowerment, and so his kind of strong point is that you can't have intimacy without truth and vulnerability, so you have to be connected to yourself in order to be able to connect to your partner. Now this includes having skills of being able to be emotionally honest with each other, being able to repair after conflict, and then mutual respect and feeling cherished in your relationship and by your partner. Those are key to creating safety which opens the door for sexual expression.

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Now the reality is is that love and safety and familiarity and all those types of things are in direct opposition with desire, because desire requires more mystery, and this is where Esther Perel comes in in her work, and I just finished listening to mating in captivity on my last road trip. And this is where Esther Perel comes in and her work, and I just finished listening to mating in captivity on my last road trip and it was so good. But her main point is that desire needs space to breathe. So being over familiar or over comfortable or over enmeshed with your partner, it kind of kills the erotic tension. So one of my favorite quotes that she says is that fire needs air. Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and other, and you can see where differentiation comes in there too. When you're fused and you depend on each other, it's hard to give that eroticism some breathing room. So couples need to balance this closeness and familiarity and security which comes with love with some mystery, some play, some novelty and some healthy distance to reignite that attraction.

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And I just did an interview where I talked about the importance of play and the importance of making yourself interesting to your partner. So I remember going through this period of time in our marriage where I was having a lot. I had young children at home and I felt like just this frumpy, boring caretaker that I just stayed home all the time. I never changed my clothes and my only purpose was to clean up grimy macaroni and cheese and keep these kids alive. And I remember pouring my heart out to my husband, just being like I don't feel sexy, I don't feel cool, I'm not fun, I don't have anything to talk about with anyone, though I don't have any friends, and I don't know anything to talk about with anyone though I don't have any friends and I don't know what to say to you. And I remember him just really matter-of-factly saying make yourself interesting, read something interesting or learn something new, or hone one of your old talents or something like that, but do something that makes you feel good, that you can share with others. That's interesting. And I feel like that really fixed the problem, because I started feeling like, okay, if I, you know, start reading about marriage or something that's interesting to me. I think I probably was reading more about how to mother these children and what to feed them that was healthy, and things like that. The more I kind of learned and added to my repertoire, the more I had value to add to. You know, when a group of moms got together I could say, oh, I've been reading about healthy chicken nuggets or you know how to make time for yourself when you're feel like you're raising kids all the time, right, so I made myself interesting and then I had something to share with friends, and especially with my husband, because that's what really kind of ignites that passion. I know my husband's not reading about healthy chicken nuggets, but I can share what I'm learning and that's interesting for both of us.

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So another thing that really really kills the passion and in a couple's sex life is this idea of obligation or duty sex. Now we can do a whole podcast episode about this later, and I probably will. It might be next week's episode, but feeling like sex is something on your to-do list or something that the lower desire partner owes the higher desire partner in order to keep them in check or them not feel grumpy or give them what they need. That's always going to plummet desire. So sex and eroticism thrives when you feel freedom to choose, to be able to say yes or no without big consequences, right? If you feel like every time you say no, even if you do it in a very loving and conscious way, that you're going to pay for that right, your partner is going to sulk and make you miserable until you finally give in. That's not freedom to choose, right.

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So another thing that kills passion is falling into routine and roommate syndrome, where you're just having transactional conversations and not really learning about your partner and what they're thinking and you're just basically giving them the here's what we need at the grocery store, you need to pick up the kids at this time. You know those transactional kind of routine conversations are going to put a huge damper on libido and passion, and then definitely we'll talk about this in another episode as well. But these ideas, these gendered ideas that, like sexes and pleasure, is more for men, women owe it to them and men need it and women shouldn't want it, like these types of things also are very detrimental to the passion, and I talk about this in my book. But it's an idea that from Emily Nagoski where when you're young, you just it's like you're a garden and whatever's planted in your garden by your family, your primary caregivers, your church, those things get planted in your garden and you don't really have any control over what those are. But when we're adults in a committed relationship like marriage, it becomes our responsibility now to go through that garden and look at what's there. Now, to go through that garden and look at what's there and if there are weeds that are choking out the good stuff meaning if there are ideas, beliefs, patterns that are not serving you in your marriage relationship, that are not good for your marriage, current relationship then those need to be weeded out. They need to be plucked out. That whole garden needs to be rototilled. And then you find the better beliefs, the marriage coaching or podcasts or books that teach healthier ideas about married sexuality that you can then plant in your garden. Those become the beautiful flowers and the fruits and vegetables that you enjoy and that nourish your relationship with your spouse. So that's a really, really, really important concept. So that's a little bit about what kind of kills passion, what dynamics kind of go into your sexual relationship with your spouse.

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And I wanted to end this episode by giving you some concrete steps to reignite the passion. I want to give you some hope that you can fix this. You don't have to just lay down and be like, well, I guess that's just how it's going to be, or something's broken, or maybe it's too hard to fix this, so we'll just have to accept it. Maybe it's too hard to fix this, so we'll just have to accept it. I want to give you some ideas of places where you can start to kind of get that passion, that energy, fired back up in your relationship. So step one is, like I said, I want you to start with yourself.

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There is so much that you can do on your own to really reignite your sexual relationship. So you can start by asking when do I feel the most alive? Feeling alive is really synonymous with passion. So is it when you're learning something new? Is it when you're doing a hobby that you really like? Is it when you're following your heart Like, for example, like what I do with marriage? Coaching is very much following my heart. Lots of people don't understand why I spend so much time or why I feel so much passionate about this, but it makes me feel alive, right, and so that really does a lot for the passion in me and my husband's relationship. I mean, over the years he's seen testimonials, in fact this is a good story.

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I remember we traveled with our family to Hawaii and like our nightly ritual was that we would all my whole family would go out to the hot, the pool, in the hot tub area in the evenings after dinner and my kids would make friends and we would sit in the hot tub. And my husband was, like you should ask couples in the hot tub questions, like you're going to get really great answers for married couples who were in the hot tub, and I thought, oh, that's a great idea. So this one particular evening I was behind my, my family went to the hot tub and I think I was doing some laundry or something, and so I didn't come until later, and so they had made some friends in the hot tub and I, when I got there, this woman was like oh my gosh, yes, I recognize you. You're Monica Tanner. You have a podcast called. It was called on the writer's side at the time she goes. I listened to it. It's so good.

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And this was a woman from the East coast who was there, you know, escaping the cold with her family, but she recognized me from my work. From the East Coast who was there, you know, escaping the cold with her family, but she recognized me from my work, from the things that I said and did, and I helped her. And it was so cool for my husband and my kids to see me kind of get recognized for my contribution. So that's when I feel the most alive and the most desirable is when I can see that the work that I do is actually helping other people. Like I love that, so I do more of that. My husband has often commented like sometimes you come out of your office and you are just so sexy and it's because I've been working with couples and I've been doing what charges me up. So I come out of the office and I feel like ready to go, like I, I love everyone. I have so much love to give because I'm so filled up, right.

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So start with yourself. Do something that makes you feel embodied. So exercising, dance, journaling, getting dressed up, meditating what makes you feel like sexy, like a fully embodied person. That's going to help kind of reignite that passion within yourself and then build your own erotic self-awareness. And what I mean by that is find somebody that you love to listen to whether that's me, I mean, I would be so honored. But or Emily Nagoski, like she does Ted talks, or mating in captivity by Esther Perel there are so many experts on the topic. What helps you understand all of this better and kind of weed out the bad stuff and bring in the good? So that's step one. Start with yourself.

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Step two is practice differentiating. So learn to express your needs without blaming or fixing or trying to control your partner. So I really want you to think about who you are as a human. What do you need, what do you desire? What makes you happy? What fills your cup? Now I'm not telling you to tell your partner to fill your cup. What I'm telling you is to ask your partner to support you and those things that fill your cup. So if that means going to the gym every morning and having your partner cover for you and those things that fill your cup, so if that means going to the gym every morning and having your partner cover for you, or if that means having some time to read a book in the evenings, or if that means going for a walk in a beautiful place that re-energizes you.

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Find something that you know in the first one that really makes you feel alive, and then learn how to express that to your partner. And then allow your partner to differentiate from you. So don't try to manage or control them. So if they love to go play golf, or you know they need to watch a basketball game when they get home from work, or you know, whatever it is, they need to have a girl's night once a month or something like that, be supportive of that and let them kind of get some separateness from you and then create space for desire to grow from choice, not obligation, and so that's really, really important. I want you to think about how you initiate and how you either accept or turn down these initiations from your partner, and I want you to work together to really find ways to bring more choice into that. I want your both of you to feel very free to either say a full bodied yes or a no not right now and then don't punish each other for the no's. Like really try to. This is important. Keep those micro disappointments micro, so your partner might not be in the mood on a random Tuesday, but that doesn't mean you're never going to have sexual relations ever again. It just means on that Tuesday it didn't work out, but maybe it'll work out on Thursday or Friday, right? So make sure you're keeping those micro disappointments micro and not making your partner pay for the no.

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Step three I want you to really prioritize turn on time. So this means whatever you have to do to prepare yourself for a sexual experience. I want you to take the time to do that. So if that means asking your partner to put the kids to bed so that you can take a relaxing hot bath or do a little, I talk a lot about sexy meditation, which just means it's kind of like regular meditation, but thinking about something that turns you on, or if, like a warm towel fresh out of the dryer, like feeling it on your skin or maybe like some other material like silk or something really like, makes you feel sensual, I want you to tune in to whatever makes you feel sexy and in the mood and I want you to make time for that. That's really, really important. And then I want you to not think about performance, so don't focus on getting to the end or orgasm. Sometimes you're going to have sexual experiences that don't include any orgasm. Sometimes one of you will orgasm and the other won't. Sometimes you'll both orgasm. But I want you to not focus on performance and just focus on being together and really enjoying the sensual nature of being together. And then Emily Nagoski talks about this a lot. Sometimes you just have to put your naked body in the bed next to their naked body and see what happens. So sometimes you're just not going to feel in the mood. But really healthy couples understand the importance of being friends and then just creating opportunities like getting naked a couple of times a week, maybe sleeping naked or showering together, making time for that really sensual experience with each other.

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Step four is going to be this is fun. Now I know some of you are going to be like, oh my gosh, I don't know how to flirt, or you know you get really nervous when it comes to something like that. But I want you to kind of rebuild this is an idea that Esther Perel talks about, which is called rebuilding erotic tension. So that means make sure that you have lots of non-sexual touch during the day, make sure you're flirting with your partner, make sure you're making googly eyes at them across the kitchen, maybe across the kitchen table. When you're even eating dinner together as a family, you're kind of winking at each other and like giving each other the idea that, hey, I really like you, I get excited about spending time with you. Flirt, tease, make it mysterious, send them kind of a dirty text in the middle of the day, let them know, like, hey, I'm really excited about the idea of hanging out with you tonight. And you know, maybe you have a scheduled night, like Tuesday night, where you sleep naked or you shower together or something like that. So make sure you build that anticipation and novelty. Like do something new together. Like take a class that you both might enjoy, try a sport that neither of you is very good at, maybe take a dance class or a cooking class together, maybe cook, maybe try a new recipe, but you both have to. Like maybe you tie two of your hands together or something like that and just have fun together in the kitchen. Like you can even include your kids in that. But just come up with ideas where you're creating some of that erotic tension and desire. And then the last step is really important and we'll do a whole podcast episode more on this.

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But talking about sex is so important, so a lot of times I will suggest a sexual check-in with my couples once a week. So maybe on Tuesday you go for a walk together and you call it sex talk Tuesday, and on that in that period of time, in that conversation, all sexual topics are fair game, and so you're going to do these weekly check-ins with each other, like, how's it going for you? What is there anything that I could do differently that would make things better for you? Or you can ask for things that you want or desire or feel like you need, right. So it's just good to check in with each other weekly, and I recommend not doing this in the bedroom, although that's going to be very enticing. Is you like put the kids to bed or you go in your bedroom and have this conversation? I recommend not having this conversation in the bedroom. I also recommend not having this conversation face to face, where you're looking at each same direction.

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But you can talk about these uncomfortable topics and that, and it's exactly that this topic is uncomfortable for most people, and so you're just going to have to practice. You're just going to have to get uncomfortable. You're going to have to blush a little bit and you're going to have to get better at bringing up these topics because they're so important to the marriage relationship. So those are my five steps to kind of rekindle the flame. And so, as we close out this episode, I really, really want to drive home the point that your sex life isn't broken, that most, if not all, couples really have to take some time to address this issue specifically in their marriage. You're always, always, no matter who you are, going to have a higher desire and a lower desire partner, and that's not just around sex, that's actually around every topic in your marriage. You're going to have a partner that wants to keep the house cleaner than the other partner. You're going to have a partner that wants to exercise more or eat more healthy or see the in-laws more often. There's always going to be a higher desire partner for everything, but especially sex. So don't think that something is broken just because you have a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner, or a partner that's more prone to spontaneity versus a partner that's more responsive. Just know that these are all really important dynamics and topics to address in your marriage. Like it will make you stronger.

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And if you need help with any of it, please reach out money at Monica Tannercom. I'll respond to your emails. You can also reach out to me on social media. I would love to answer your questions, talk more about the sexual and emotional dynamic in your marriage and how that affects your overall happiness and feelings of fulfillment in your life and in your marriage. So thanks for tuning in today. I have some great ideas for topics for next week that are in this kind of same vein. If you like this, let me know and we'll talk more about the sexual dynamic in the coming weeks. So again, we'll see you next week, same time, same place, and until then, happy marriage.