Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

This ONE Healthy Habit Will Safeguard Your Marriage

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples • Season 4 • Episode 314

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Walking with your partner is a powerful tool that has strengthened my marriage through every season, from dating challenges to parenting transitions and career changes.

• Discovered the power of walking while facing parental disapproval during our engagement
• Walking side-by-side creates a safe space for difficult conversations that face-to-face interaction doesn't
• Daily walks help us download the day, discuss challenges, and reconnect
• Beach walks and neighborhood loops have become our favorite ways to connect
• Walking protected our marriage during major life transitions including empty nesting and career changes
• Side-by-side movement (even driving) creates the same effect when walking isn't possible
• After 23 years of marriage, we're still learning new things about each other during our walks

If you have questions about anything, please do not hesitate to send me an email, moni@monicatanner.com. I can't wait to hear how your walks are going!


Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I am doing this episode solo, without Nate today. So I know he brings so much to the podcast and I had a hard time coming up with a topic to talk about because everything I came up with I was like, oh no, nate would have some great story or point of view to add to this topic, so we'll save that for a time when we have Nate here. So today I've really been thinking about a tool that has greatly improved my marriage, something that I feel like has helped strengthen my marriage in every single season, the good times and the bad. I recommended it to one of my clients today and I just really feel like this one habit will really fortify you and give you what you need to make it through all the busy seasons of your marriage. So I first discovered this tool when my husband and I were still dating but getting really close. We wanted to get married and, uh, ben asked my parents if he could marry me and my parents said no and they were pretty adamant about it. They felt like we were too young. He was still in school, we hadn't known each other long enough and it was really heartbreaking because we were in love, we wanted to be married and we wanted our parents blessing.

Speaker 1:

So I had moved from Austin where I went to school Austin, texas, go Longhorns and I had graduated and I had all of these plans for my life. In fact, I was wanting to go on a mission for my church, I wanted to start graduate school and getting married was one of the lowest things on my list. But Ben came for the summer and we spent tons of time together, running together, exercising together, hiking together. We talked for hours and hours and hours on end and by the end of the summer we were in love and I decided that maybe marriage was the next right step, even though it wasn't even on my radar before that. So once the summer ended, ben went back to start school, college where he was going in Idaho, and we kind of just kept dating long distance over the phone, trying to make plans and decide what the next step would be.

Speaker 1:

And since I had already graduated and I was kind of in transition, we decided that I would move up to Idaho so that we could be in closer proximity and date a little bit, as my parents had requested, and so once I moved up to Rexburg, it was a pretty quick decision. We were like, no, this is it. We really want to get married. And we asked my parents again and again. They said no way, you have not known each other long enough. And this was actually really hard on our relationship. In fact we almost broke up over it.

Speaker 1:

And what happened was we weren't sure how to progress without getting our parents blessing, and I think he kind of had some second thoughts like maybe this isn't going to work out, maybe this isn't right, but here I was in this strange place. I'd never been to Idaho before and I didn't know a soul, and I was on a college campus just working, not going to school. It was freezing cold. I was so far out of my comfort zone and the future that I was planning for was crumbling right in front of me, and so I panicked when he tried to break up with me. I panicked and so I called a mentor of mine and I remember sitting there and he said I want you to say a sincere prayer and I want you to write down all of the moments or impressions when you knew you were doing the right thing that leaving Texas, moving to Rexburg, moving towards marriage, um, the all of the confirmations that you knew you were doing the right thing. And so I remember getting off the phone and sitting in my car it was freezing cold and I just said a little prayer and I started jotting down in this notebook and I think I came up with 127 separate times in this short span of a few months that I knew I was doing the right thing.

Speaker 1:

And I called Ben after he got off out of school and back then we were. I was calling landline to landline. It was super weird way, way back when, 25 years ago, and I asked him if we could talk and he said, yep, I will come get you. And we went for a walk around. I'm pretty sure it was a frozen pond, so cold, and I shared with him this list. I just said you know what? I know you're having second thoughts, I know we're running up against some challenges, but I have prayed about it and I've come up with all of these times, signs, signals, confirmations that I was doing the right thing, and so I think it would be really premature to just give up now.

Speaker 1:

And I remember he did not give me the validation or the response that I was hoping for. He gave me a hug and he was like thank you so much for sharing this with me that I was hoping for. He gave me a hug and he was like thank you so much for sharing this with me. Let me think about it. And so we got back in the car and he drove me back to where I lived and he went back to his apartment and I was still panicking inside, but I remember feeling kind of a peace like oh, I've done all that I can do and now it's just in God's hands, right, yeah, and so over the next couple of days we got together and, you know, kind of talked about things and soon after he proposed so we continued on, and so that walk and I credit prayer and that walk around that frozen pond, uh, with getting through or being able to talk through a really difficult point in our relationship and in the 23 years that we've been married we've gone through highs and lows, we've had challenges, we've had health challenges, we've had different seasons that we've gone through and, especially in the last few years, lots of transitions and walking together and talking and being able to go have difficult conversations while walking in the same direction has really, really, not only strengthened but safeguarded our relationship, and so today I wanted to talk about this habit of walking.

Speaker 1:

Now, ben and I walk daily. We like to download the day. On Sundays we take a family walk, but most of the other days of the week, ben and I walk together. We have a loop around our neighborhood that we do, and then on date nights we'll go for longer walks. When we go on vacations, we love to hike and walk. We love to walk through different cities, and one of our very favorite places to walk is on the beach. So every single year, for the last at least 10 years, we take a vacation to a beach somewhere and we love to walk up and down the beach. In fact, my husband it's like his favorite thing to do. He feels like he gets so much clarity and understanding when he's walking on a beach, and so walking together or moving in the same direction is a wonderful way to learn new things about each other.

Speaker 1:

Bring up difficult conversations, work through challenges, talk about gratitude, learn about each other's strengths, be able to discuss each other's weaknesses, dream together, make plans for the future, talk about difficult transitions and things that are going on in your lives or in the lives of your children or your family members, and so I just cannot recommend enough being able to make the time to walk together. And if you can't walk, if your health or the weather or something else keeps you from being able to walk, then driving in the same direction also has the same effect If you're driving sitting side by side and able to have these types of deep, meaningful by side and able to have these types of deep, meaningful, connecting, intimate conversations. So we could talk about road trips my husband and I have taken I'll save that for another episode, but it has the same effect. So, instead of, you know, sitting face to face, across from each other and gazing into each other's eyes, sometimes that's really intimidating. It's hard to get vulnerable, it's hard to have tough conversations. Even sitting in bed, um, is a tough place to uh, and I know that's, you know, kind of a default for people Like you get the kids to bed, you're exhausted, you're sitting in bed and trying to have these conversations. I promise, if you will add walking to your daily at least frequently, or weekly um routine with your spouse or your partner, you will experience so much connection and closeness and I can be so bold as to say it will protect your marriage from difficult things that you are called to go through.

Speaker 1:

So I just wanted to make this episode a quick one. I wanted to talk about something that I really, over the last probably three or four years I think I have recognized the blessing of walking together with my partner, as we've gone through so many transitions. About three years ago my oldest graduated from high school and left the home and he went on a two-year mission, came back. Now he's getting married. We're planning his wedding. It's so exciting. My husband last year sold his business that we built together for 20 years and he went back to work and he has a work schedule now.

Speaker 1:

So we talked so much less and I think it's become really prominent, this habit of walking, because before, when he owned his business, we talked all throughout the day, whether it was we called each other or texted each other or we were constantly working together on different things and he just had a lot more time. And now we don't as much talk throughout the day. We wait until he gets home from work, we go for walks, whether it's daytime or nighttime, and we just kind of download the day and talk about. You know all the things that are on our mind, all the things that are going on, and now our second child is graduating from high school and she's, you know, figuring out what her next step is and things like that. So lots of really fun and interesting transitions.

Speaker 1:

There have been challenges involved in some of these things and I know I had a bout of kind of anxiety when my son was coming home from his mission. There was a lot going on, a lot of family coming in town, and so we have been able to really get through those challenges together merely by walking and talking. So if you live close to a beach, you're in the mountains, you can hike together, but my husband and I have loved just walking around the loop in our neighborhood. Another reason that we've gotten so good at walking around our neighborhood is we have a house full of teenagers and on the weekends they love to have their friends over and we love having all the kids at our house and we don't feel comfortable maybe going far for a date night, and so lots of times we will just spend date night or the weekend nights, when our house is full of teenagers close to home, walking around our neighborhood for hours just talking about the things that are on our minds, on our hearts, the things we're thinking about, how we're thinking about them, our dreams, so many wonderful things.

Speaker 1:

So my strong recommendation for you, if you're already doing this, if you're already walking with your partner, I would say up the frequency of your walks and definitely think about adding in difficult conversations, ones that you've, you know, been nervous, to things that you've been nervous to bring up. If you're running out of things to talk about, you can look up conversation starters. There's the Gottman card decks on my website. There's tons of questions you can ask your spouse. So definitely kind of up your game up level, instead of just being on autopilot like plan out or, you know, really share what's on your heart and on your mind and try to learn something new about your spouse.

Speaker 1:

My husband and I have been married, for it'll be 23 years this year and we are still learning things about one another. Um, there's no end to that. So, and if you're not walking or driving, then start, start somewhere. Do it for date night, um, uh, you know, start doing it a couple of times a week. Um, just a little 10 minute walk around the neighborhood.

Speaker 1:

I guarantee being out in the fresh air, being together, being out in the fresh air, being together, walking in the same direction and having something deep, difficult, connecting, intimate to talk about will do wonders for your relationship. So thank you so much for joining me for this episode, the solo episode that I did without Nate. I'm sure Nate would jump on here and be like heck, yes, start walking. But since he's not here, you'll just have to take my word for it and make sure you join us next week for a special interview that I did with Marriage IQ Super fun. If you have questions about anything, please do not hesitate to send me an email, moni at monicatanercom. So M-O-N-I at monicatanercom, and I can't wait to hear from all of you how your walks are going. Bye-bye for now.