Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

How to Restore Trust: The Key to Lasting Relationships

• Monica Tanner - Marriage and Intimacy Coach for Christian Couples and Nate Bagley • Season 4 • Episode 312

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Trust is an essential foundation of relationships, but sometimes it gets broken. This week, Nate and I dive into the complexities of restoring damaged trust, providing valuable insights and actionable strategies. 

• Definition of trust and its importance in relationships 
• Exploring types of hurts: big and small 
• Discussing personal responsibility in rebuilding trust 
• Effective communication strategies for addressing trust issues 
• The vital role of consistency and ongoing actions in trust repair 
• Emphasizing that healing is not a one-time conversation, but an ongoing process 

Remember to take responsibility for your actions and truly understand your partner's feelings to foster resilience in your relationship.

If you need help with this process, please reach out for a complimentary consultation here:  https://tidycal.com/onthebrightersideoflife/call



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Monica Tanner:

Hello and welcome back to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast with me, monica Tanner, and my co-host, nate Bagley. So excited to hang out with you today, nate. I am really excited about our topic that you totally suggested, so why don't you introduce the topic we're going to be talking about today?

Nate Bagley:

Lucky me.

Monica Tanner:

We're going to talk about you too, but getting lucky.

Nate Bagley:

But the topic I want to talk about today is restoring trust. So whenever you're in a long-term committed relationship, there's going to be a moment when you hurt each other, you hurt your partner. Or it might be a big hurt, or it might be a small hurt.

Monica Tanner:

Give some examples like a big hurt You're talking about, like either emotional or, uh, sexual maybe uh, you want an examples of a big hurt or a small hurt. Let's start with a big one and then small one.

Nate Bagley:

Oh big hurt could be like you cheat on your partner or you, um, you cross a boundary that you know is like a really sensitive boundary, or you say something, um, that you really didn't maybe mean to say in the heat of the moment and you you knew it was something that would like, maybe hit a sensitive spot. It was like intended to to hurt.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah I would say in general, I think not.

Nate Bagley:

I think like a a big lie of omission, or or yeah, hiding, hiding something big from your partner or like a big, like, maybe debt or uh, or like an addiction or, um, uh, a big secret about yourself.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, I mean there's lots of, there's lots of things in it and like what I've learned in my over a decade of working with and talking to couples and experts is that what's big for some couples could be something really small and manageable for others, and vice versa. And so you know where one couple might be like really distraught over, let's say, a husband looking at pornography, another couple, it's no big deal. Or one where one couple like if somebody forgets the anniversary, it may not be a big deal. The other couple, it might be like a huge deal. Or like a specific, like a milestone event or an anniversary or something like that. So you know, sometimes you don't even know what the thing is until it happens, and then you're like, oh, that was something I was not aware of, that would that was going to. I didn't realize it was this would hurt you that badly.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, and some examples of small hurts could be yeah, saying something in the heat of an argument.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, breaking up breaking a promise, saying saying like I'll be home at 530 and being home at 6, or forgetting to put my dishes in the sink, or being just irritable and kind of cranky and grumpy and snapping Get down on each other. Yeah, Rejecting a bid for connection because you're not in a good mood there's lots of little things that we do throughout the day or just forgetting something, just absentmindedly forgetting something important I forgot to pick up the milk, like like you asked me to, on the way home from work.

Monica Tanner:

And I realized that's an inconvenience, or even something ongoing, like being on your phone when your partner's trying to talk to you.

Nate Bagley:

That could start out as something small and turn into something big.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, that's a good, that's a good example. Okay, all, and turn into something big. Yeah, yeah, that's a good, that's a good example. Okay, all right. So we're hurting each other, we're disappointing each other. Where we are eroding the trust that we have in each other, it's a natural thing.

Nate Bagley:

We've referenced this quote multiple times. I'm going to butcher it, but John Gottman says that it's that emotional entropy or relational entropy thing that if all you do is not screw things up in your relationship, it's still going to get worse over time because of relational entropy, and you have to actively be fighting against that. And so just inherently, being in relationship with somebody you know, your trust is going to degrade. You're going to accidentally do things that are going to hurt your partner. So how do you, how do you repair, how do you restore that trust If your partner has felt hurt or betrayed?

Nate Bagley:

They don't feel like they can trust you. You don't feel like you can trust your partner. So there's two sides of that equation. How do I gain trust back? And then, how do I give trust back, how do I learn to trust again? And so what I would love to do because I feel like this is a skill set and a mindset that if you want to have a really intimate, happily ever after relationship, you need to get good at restoring trust and forgiving one another and moving forward, because trust is the gateway to intimacy. If you don't have trust in somebody, you're not going to take your armor off around them, and so you need to be able to restore that trust. So how do you, how do you restore that trust if we're constantly breaking it?

Monica Tanner:

So important. So are you talking about so like, is it the skill of the hurt partner going to the partner that's doing the hurting, or is it you realize you've done something to hurt your partner and how do you approach?

Nate Bagley:

it? Yeah, I think it's both. I think that I don't think you can restore trust without both of those skills in place. If one person is willing to come to the table and, in an honest effort to like restore trust, after maybe being the person who was responsible for the loss of trust, and the other person is unwilling to receive it, then you're not going to get anywhere. And just on the opposite side, if you have somebody who's willing to give their partner another chance, but the other person is either not willing to ask for it or they're exploitative and they take advantage of their partner's forgiveness, that's really problematic as well.

Nate Bagley:

So I think there needs to be clarity around the two parts, the two sides of the coin. So I wouldn't mind starting with the. Let's start with the personal responsibility. I screwed up, I made a mistake, I hurt you. What do I need to do to get back to that good place? And then let's go to the other side and say, hey, yeah, I've been hurt. What do I need to do to get us back to that place that we want to be at?

Monica Tanner:

Okay, yeah, so let's start with you screwed up, nate. How are you going to fix it?

Nate Bagley:

Oh yeah. Well, the first thing I would do is is I want to gain a full and complete understanding of how my choices impacted my partner. So taking responsibility full responsibility, not full, not full responsibility for their experience, full responsibility for understanding their experience.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, I think that's an important distinction to make.

Nate Bagley:

Validating their emotions and their experience and is not the same as taking responsibility for it. So oftentimes I get hurt and a lot of the hurt is self-inflicted because I've made up a story about what, like my partner's intentions, or or I've exaggerated the exaggerated in my mind, what happened and created more hurt than there needed to be. And my partner's job in a moment like that is not for her to take responsibility for my thoughts and my emotions, but in an ideal world it would be her responsibility. Or if we were to flip it around, if I had hurt her, it would be my responsibility to sit down and really just sit and understand what. What's hurting, what was your thought process, what was your experience, and then be able to say, yeah, that makes sense.

Monica Tanner:

So what does that look like, nate? Does that look like you? Let's take an actual scenario. So let's say you went out drinking with your friends and you lied to me about it and I found out. I found some. I found some text messages from you know whatever you guys planning it and you told me that you were working late and okay, so come home.

Nate Bagley:

I'm a little buzzed and you, you know what's happened. You're asleep. Well, I don't know sitting up waiting. I walk in the door and you're sitting there and you go hey, how was how's work? Okay, yeah, let's have that. Or you can just say like hey, I know you weren't at work, yeah, yeah, well, first of all, don't have the conversation when you're drunk, so sober up first, let's. Let's imply that maybe we're at the next morning having a conversation, right, and I say hey, I know you're upset.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah.

Nate Bagley:

Now in my mind, here's the, here's the like, here's the conscious thought that I'm not going to say out loud but this is, this is why this is important. You can make an assumption about why she's upset, or and risk getting it wrong. Or you can just not make that assumption and not make an ass out of yourself and just say hey, I can, I can tell you're upset about what happened last night. Um, before I jump to any conclusions, uh, I just, I want to hear you out. Just tell me, tell me what's going on for you.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah Well, I was sitting at home thinking you were working to support our family and you know I I put the kids to bed, I put dinner away and realized that you weren't working at all. You were at the bar, and that really upsets me.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah so is. Can you tell me what, what, what part of I understand why you're upset that? It totally makes sense for you to be upset that I said I was going to be one place and then I was in another place and you made me think that you were working for our family and you weren't yeah, yeah, and if you had a guy's night.

Monica Tanner:

Why not just tell me what else are you hiding?

Nate Bagley:

yeah, yep, you are uh completely valid in in asking that question and feeling that way um, I just don't know if I can trust you. Yeah.

Monica Tanner:

I mean, how am I supposed to trust what you tell me when you're telling me flat out lies?

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, that makes sense. So I just want to make sure I understand everything. You're upset that one. I lied to you about where I was going to be. One I lied to you about where I was going to be. You're upset that. Two I hung you out to dry and you had to take care of the kids and do everything by yourself while I was out hanging out with my friends.

Monica Tanner:

Three probably upset about not understanding why I felt the need to hide the fact that I wanted to have a guy's night. No, I couldn't.

Nate Bagley:

I probably would have given you permission and and I also understand why you're upset about just like the abuse of trust in general and now not knowing whether or not I'm going to be telling the truth or lying about things in the future. Yep, you got it right, yeah. Is there anything else that you need me to understand? Or did I get get like, do you think I kind of have a good idea of why you're upset with me?

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, I think you knew. I think you knew before you did it.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

Monica Tanner:

You think you weren't going to get caught.

Nate Bagley:

Now we're moving into a different territory. Now we're moving into the category, the next step. But it's like that first part is all about not getting defensive, not getting pissed yeah it's like I want. I want to hear you out, I want to understand your full experience. Do you feel, do you feel fully understood there?

Monica Tanner:

like this is like side note I mean, I was waiting up all night. I didn't know if you're gonna, you know, get d d y. I don't. I mean, if you're gonna go home with some other woman. I mean, what was that? What was I supposed to do?

Nate Bagley:

yeah, yeah, that makes sense. You are. Uh, I think those worries are very valid as well. I get it.

Monica Tanner:

I think if our roles were reversed, I'd be feeling very similarly and what am I supposed to tell the kids when they're asking where's dad? How come he's not here to tuck us in?

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, my choices last night put you in a really unfair situation with the kids as well. Yeah, it is, you are. You are absolutely entitled to be angry. I made a very bad choice last night. That was a very, very dumb, selfish choice.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, at least you know what are you going to do about it.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, I mean I don't think I can, I can't go back in time and fix it. So the first thing I can say is I'm I'm really sorry. Truly, it was a. It was a really immature, foolish, selfish decision that I made last night and I totally get that. The impact that I had on you goes much deeper than maybe I had even anticipated. I don't think I put a whole lot of thought into how much damage it would do. I probably thought think I put a whole lot of thought into how much damage it would do. I probably thought that it wouldn't do any damage because I'd probably just get away with it and it wouldn't be a big deal.

Nate Bagley:

And I see now that that was just a really selfish, bad choice on my part and I'm very sorry. And the only thing I can do right now I feel is can commit to. I just I promise you it will never happen again. And I realized, I realized that doesn't fit, that doesn't fix it in the moment. But, like I mean, I'm open to also hearing suggestions, but what I can do right now is promise that I will be honest with you in the future and show and back that up with my actions. And I realized that I don't expect you to forgive me and just just give me like oh yeah, let me off the hook. I'm not asking you to let me off the hook, I'm. I'm telling you that I realized I screwed up and I'm making a commitment to you right now that I will do better and be better and that this will never happen again, and my hope is that you will give me the chance to show that to you.

Monica Tanner:

Okay.

Nate Bagley:

Is there anything that that you can think of that I could do to help make that up to you?

Monica Tanner:

Well, I like that question. I think that question is really important. What can I do right now to make it better If, whether small hurt or a big hurt hurt? I think that's a really important question for the offender to ask. Um, but yeah, I mean, I might want you to allow me to track you. I might want you to go into therapy for your drinking. I might want you to you take a pause from hanging out with those friends, because they're not very good influence on you.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, yeah, you want um I. I realized that what I did was kind of um, I breached the protocol of safety in our relationship, making you feel safe, and part of that safety is trusting that I will do what I say, what I will do, that I'm not going to lie to you. Part of that is that I'm going to make good decisions and choices. And now what you're wanting now that you feel like that trust and that safety has been violated, it sounds like what you really want is you want to feel safe again. And, yeah, I'm totally open to having a conversation about what I can do to help you feel safe again, that I'm not going to go out and make bad, selfish choices that are going to impact our marriage and our family and the lives of our kids. And, yeah, that's that's important to me too.

Monica Tanner:

Okay. So, nate, I think that's awesome, I think a lot of. I mean. I think if we were to summarize kind of what you did there, you, you took ownership, you didn't get defensive, you kind of let me have my experience, my feelings, you didn't try to argue any of that. You tried to give me what you could and commit to me. So I think those are all really important things If somebody's listening and going.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah. One other thing I want to throw in there is I didn't demand immediate forgiveness.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, right, exactly yeah, you, I hadn't the choice to when I was ready. Forgive you, um, but what if you, what if there's people out there listening to them, like my spouse, would never be able to do all of that.

Nate Bagley:

They would get defensive, they would shut down, they would my spouse, meaning like the role you played or the role I played.

Monica Tanner:

What if somebody who is playing my role is like my partner does that kind of crap all the time and when I confront them about it they don't act like you. They they get defensive. They tell me I have no right to know their whereabouts all the time they don't care about my experience, then what?

Nate Bagley:

yeah, um, I mean, that's a different conversation. Then we're not having a trust conversation anymore. So if your intention in having a conversation is to restore trust, it should look. It should look closer to what we, what we did. Yeah, um, and I think it's important to set that intention maybe from the beginning and say like, hey, trust was hurt here. Can we have a conversation about it? Um, if you're just trying to play the gotcha game, like caught you in the middle of doing something terrible and now I like then we're in a different scenario, does that make sense? And and the the the example that we came up with here is a is a more inflammatory moment, like catching somebody in an act of big betrayal. Like it's a. It's probably not one conversation, it's probably multiple, multiple conversations that get you there. And like, how do you even bring it up without inciting a lot of emotion?

Nate Bagley:

I think most people the way they would want to initiate the conversation in your shoes is like I know what you did. Yeah, coming out the gate accusatory, which will immediately put the other person on the defensive. And and I'm not going to judge that at all I just I just think that that's the reality is like. If they, if they're lying to you about a big thing, it's hard to call them out on that and be gentle, yeah.

Monica Tanner:

And I think, I think if you, if there's a breach of trust like that in your relationship and it's too much to handle on your own, meaning your spouse is going to get defensive. You know you're going round and round in circles and you're not repairing then I think it's important to seek some help. I mean people ask when do I know it's time to get some help? And it's when you can't handle what's happening in your relationship on your own.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, yeah, and I was. And I just want to reiterate that the example that we just did like the example was supposed to be an example of somebody who knew that they screwed up, knowing that they were attempting to restore trust, like this was not a. This is what every one of these conversations should look like. This was not a model of what you look like when you're confronting somebody if they've betrayed your trust. It was a model of like I was trying to model what if you've screwed up? How do you want to show up in one of these conversations? And I want you to notice how much more smoothly it goes If you show up the way that I that I tried to show up in the conversation with Monica, obviously like that we're playing in ideal conditions here.

Nate Bagley:

This is not like reflect a hundred percent what real life is like, but if you're willing to just like not be defensive, if you're willing to take responsibility, if you're willing to remain curious, if you're willing to let your partner sit in the emotions and be mad or angry or betrayed and not be like, well, I apologize, now get over it.

Nate Bagley:

You know like there's a lot of things in that example that if you do that it will accelerate the healing, the forgiveness, the restoration of trust. And it might be multiple, multiple conversations where you have to do that. It's not one time. But if you have broken the trust of your partner, whether it's a big thing or a small thing, like what I tried to emulate in that conversation, was I as close to an ideal as I could muster up of how you could show up in a conversation to give your partner the gift of hey, I want to show you that I'm worthy of trust again and and I want to take, and I want to, I want to do my part to clean things up so that our relationship can be a trust filled relationship again.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah.

Nate Bagley:

So does not reflect I real life, but focus more, focus less on what Monica said and more on what I said in this particular conversation.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, what else, nate, do you think that's important to address when you're talking about repairing after a?

Nate Bagley:

betrayal. I think a lot of people think it's a one and done conversation. I think a lot of people think also that um, like a grandiose gesture, like an emotional moment, will just fix things. And trust. Trust is not built by grandiose gestures, by one-time moments. Trust is a thing that's built out of consistency.

Nate Bagley:

It's a, it's small things done over and over and over again to show like, like the, the, the um adjectives that I would put in the bucket along with trust to describe a trusting relationship is like there's predictability, there's safety, there's consistency. There's like a, a, a sense of reassurance. There's a I know, I can rely on you to be there when, when I need you. It means um, there's, I have a. I have a long history of you showing up for me in the ways that I, that I need the most, like all of those things are. The are kind of in that bucket of trust. It's not like you bought me flowers or you took me on a vacation. That's not trust. That's like fun, that's spontaneity, that's that's like excitement, it's novelty, and those things don't necessarily yeah, it's important in a relationship, but that's a different bucket.

Monica Tanner:

These things are foundational.

Nate Bagley:

These things, yeah, those things can strengthen your relationship, but they don't necessarily build trust.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, the question are you going to be there for me? And I think it was really significant in the conversation you and I were having in that role play is you weren't thinking about me. You weren't thinking about me taking care of the kids and having to tell them where you are and, you know, wondering if you were even going to come home, like I want to know that you're going to be there for me. I want to know that you're thinking about me and considering my feelings Right, and so that's a big when there are breaches of trust. I think it's really important to understand that in a long-term committed relationship, your partner is expecting you to be thinking about them, to consider them in your decisions.

Nate Bagley:

Yep, and that comes for small things as well. It's not just big things, it's also small things.

Monica Tanner:

Mm-hmm.

Nate Bagley:

Yep, so you're going to have to have us. You'll end up having similar conversations. When, like, a similar thing happened this week with my family, where I had a plan I was after work the other day, I was going to stop by the Verizon store and pick up a new phone because I'm overdue for an upgrade and I was like, sweet, I'm going to stop and pick up this phone. And I called my wife and I was like, hey, do you mind if I stop and pick up this phone? And she's like, actually, I'd really prefer if you come home, I have a friend who's going through a hard time and they're bringing the kids over to our house. And I was like, oh OK, totally fine, I'll do the Verizon thing tomorrow.

Nate Bagley:

And then what happened is, throughout the night, the expectations of the commitment to taking care of the kids kept changing, based off of the conversation that my wife was having with her friend, and I wasn't in the loop. And so, anyway, things just kept happening. And then I got frustrated because I felt it was like a small damage of trust. It wasn't a huge thing, damage of trust, it wasn't a huge thing. And, like the beautiful thing was that my, my wife, sensed my frustration and she did exactly what we just demonstrated.

Nate Bagley:

She stepped up and she's like hey, I realized I screwed up. I'm sorry, like I haven't. I haven't been keeping you in the loop, I kind of sprung this on you and it's grown into something much a bigger commitment than we had anticipated. I really appreciate you rolling with the punches, because my friend really needed help tonight and I was immediately softened, just immediately. That that one but yeah, being able to just let your partner be a little upset or hurt at an inconvenience or or, uh, an uncommunicated expectation, allowing space for that and not making it mean something about you and holding onto yourself and being like, yeah, I understand why you're upset. That totally makes sense and and I'm sorry, and we can do better and I appreciate you.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, yeah, I think we nailed it. I think that is so important. At the heart of really repairing breaches of trust is really letting your partner know that what they're going through is okay and that you understand. You know, you can understand that your actions have created a problem for them and that their emotions about it are perfectly warranted and okay, they're not crazy, they're not, you know, acting irrational or whatever, and that you want to make it better.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, and I think I think where I think you said it beautifully, like what you that your choices have caused a problem for them and I think one of the reasons why that's a difficult thing to cope with. I just taught a workshop on this yesterday. But when we fall in love, the thing that most of us fall in love with is the version of ourselves that gets reflected back at us by our partner. Our partner sees us the way we want to be seen. They see us as funny, as interesting, as kind, as compassionate, as sexy and attractive and spontaneous and it's like, yeah, you see me that way. That's awesome, cause that's the way I've always wanted to be seen. And then when you get in relationship where things start to degrade is your partner starts reflecting back at me like you're a disappointment, it's frustrating to be in relationship with you. You're the cause of my sadness, you're the cause of my pain, like I. You know I hurt when I'm around you sometimes and that is a hard thing for the person. That used to be like you used to be the source of their greatest joy and excitement and anticipation and love and and passion. Now you're the source of their pain and irritation and frustration and harm and that messes with our identity, the version of ourselves that we thought we were. And if you can't tolerate being the type of person who has the capacity to hurt and disappoint and impact others negatively, then you're never going to be in a position where you can take responsibility for it and clean it up. You're always going to be in a state of avoidance and dismissal and and and yeah.

Nate Bagley:

So part of being, part of being in a mature relationship, an adult marriage where you can actually use conflict as an opportunity to create intimacy and connection, is you have to be willing to admit that you are the type of person.

Nate Bagley:

There are parts of you that are hard to live with.

Nate Bagley:

There are choices that you make that cause other people pain and inconvenience and frustration and upset, and if you can't tolerate that that part of you exists, then you're going to be a really hard person to be in relationship with.

Nate Bagley:

But if you can, and you can just accept I'm human and when I make messes I'll just clean it up, then it makes things a lot easier. So I just think that a lot of people really resist sitting in, that I can be responsible for this place, because it just we your brain's number one job is to protect you from getting hurt, and, um, it used to be protecting you from getting physically hurt and now, because it doesn't spend any real energy on protecting you from physical threats, it spends all of its energy protecting from you, emotional, from emotional and relational ones, and so all your brain wants to do is defend any, any accusation or implication that you might be the type of person that could hurt others. Yeah, because that might disqualify you from being loved or part of the group or accepted, and and if that fear wins, then you're never going to rebuild trust.

Monica Tanner:

Yeah, I think we need to close out this episode.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah, Sorry I went on a rant there, but well.

Monica Tanner:

I think you brought another episode which we should do record soon, which is how to forgive.

Nate Bagley:

Yeah.

Monica Tanner:

We'll do that on the next episode, but for now, I think, being willing to admit when you screw up, take responsibility for it, apologize really, really make every effort you can to understand your partner's experience of being hurt by you and not expect them to get over it immediately? Yes, and work with them to make it a better situation for both of you.

Nate Bagley:

Perfect, yeah, okay, next episode. Tune in to find out the other half of the equation.

Monica Tanner:

Awesome, I love it All. Right Bye for now.