Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely LOVE to be together and the ones who merely tolorate each other in their old age? I always want to run up to the cute old couples who still hold hands while walking down the street and ask them all their secrets to relationship success. This podcast gives me the opportunity to do just that!
I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to 4 kids, weekly podcaster and relationship and intimacy expert/enthusiast. I help couples ditch the resentment and roommate syndrome and increase communication, connection and commitment, so they can write and live out their happily ever after love story. If that sounds like something you want, this podcast is absolutely for YOU!
Each week, I'm teasing out the principles that keep couples hopelessly devoted and intoxicatingly in love with each other for a lifetime and beyond. I'm searching high and low for the secrets of happily ever after and sharing those secrets with you right here. Sound marriage advice for couples who want to live happily ever after and achieve a truly intimate friendship, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it!
Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
How to Create More Intimacy by Making Specific Requests
Communication is key to a thriving relationship, and asking for what you want instead of complaining is a game-changer. This episode offers practical tools to help you identify your unexpressed needs and transition from a blame-focused mindset to positive, actionable requests.
• Emphasizing the importance of vulnerability in relationships
• Identifying the root of complaints and transforming them into requests
• Maintaining love and empathy while making requests
• Discussing personal responsibility in fulfilling partner needs
• Recognizing and managing micro disappointments
• Encouraging feedback from listeners about their experiences with requests
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, with my co-host, nate Bagley, of Growth Marriage, and we are so excited to talk about a topic that is so vitally important to having a thriving, passionate, intimate relationship, and that is the rule here is you can't-.
Speaker 2:Where did this rule come from? Terry Real, terry Real, give the man some props, give him some flowers.
Speaker 1:Most of what we talk about comes from the Relational Life Institute and Terry Real and the groundbreaking work that he's done. He has worked closely with John Gottman, Esther Perel, Gabor Mate many of the greats and one of the tenants of his therapies, and how he helps couples create more intimacy and passion is by teaching these skills, and one is, and one thing that he says is that he's very adamant about you can't get upset about something that you've never asked for.
Speaker 2:And here's where most couples complain about not getting something you never asked for. Yeah, did I say that wrong? Yeah, you said you can't. You can't get upset about something you never asked for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:Right and so so here's what most people do, right, we cause. This is like what we're, you know, taught in our culture. This is what we see and this is just kind of how we're programmed. Is we walk around complaining about all the things we're not getting? I mean, this is like, you know, being a member of a bunch of girl groups where we go out to lunch and we complain about our husbands not helping around the house and not changing any diapers and not, you know, being romantic like when we were first dating, and it's very easy and not vulnerable to complain about all the things we're not getting.
Speaker 2:And then we think this is my life right now.
Speaker 1:This is my life right now You're doing a lot of complaining.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just so. This is a great episode. It's a good reminder this weekend. I'll just give a quick example. This is something that everybody deals with. I'm dealing with this right now.
Speaker 2:I left the house to go run some errands and the house had gotten to be quite a mess. It was like it was we had a long week and hadn't had time to tidy up and the kitchen was a disaster and the laundry was like piling up. And I left for a couple hours and upon my return home, I'm like I'm so excited to walk into a house and have the dishes be done and or or the laundry like be folded and put away, and I was just like so looking forward to that. And I walk in the house and the kitchen is dirtier than when I left and my wife was like um, I don't know if she was, I'll give her she's probably playing with the kids making a fort or um, like in our bedroom taking care of something. But I walked in and, like the laundry was still piled up and I just had this look of dejection on my face and my wife was like what? What's wrong? And I'm like nothing.
Speaker 2:But I was frustrated. I was frustrated and upset. She's like I can tell I disappointed you. And I'm like no, I just kind of thought that while I was gone you might make some progress on what we said we would get done today. And then I got home and it's not done. And yeah, I'm feeling a little, I'm frustrated. I had an expectation that was uncommunicated and then it didn't get met. And now I'm being a poo-poo head, I'm being a jerk about it. And it happens a lot right now Cause I don't know, sometimes I don't know to ask for things, I don't realize that I was expecting something. And then I come home and I'm bummed that it didn't happen. And my wife can see it on my face and then she's like I'm just a disappointment, so it doesn't help. It doesn't help me or her.
Speaker 1:So here's the saying that's really important. That can save a lot of this is more specific requests on the front end, less resentment on the back end. So if you had thought to say, hey, honey, I'm going to be gone for a couple hours, I'm going to run Smerons, I would love it. Here's where the request is. Here's where the request is.
Speaker 2:If you could maybe work on the dishes and the laundry, so when I come home it's not so overwhelming, or there's not so much to be done.
Speaker 1:I would love it if. I would love it if that is a surrendered wife.
Speaker 2:That's where I learned that one from that phrase.
Speaker 1:That's where I learned that one from that phrase Requests should be specific, behavioral and time bound. So specific in that the dishes and the laundry work on those two things. Those are very specific behavioral wash the dishes, pull the laundry, something that you could actually do and time-bound. What I would like right now, while I'm gone, is for those things to be done. That is your request, knowing that you're not always going to get everything that you asked for.
Speaker 2:If you did get it.
Speaker 1:You sure would love it, right, exactly, exactly. So in this episode, what I really want to make sure of is that, by the time this episode is over, you have a really good recipe to follow that's going to help you make requests. So if you listened, a couple of weeks ago I challenged you that every time a request crosses your mind not not you don't even have to state it every time, but when you, in your mind, have a complaint, I want you to find the request behind it. So if you're getting ready to complain about anything, about anyone in anything, there's the request you didn't make.
Speaker 1:There's always a request underneath it, and I'm going to teach you a really powerful way to make these requests, so that you have the highest probability of actually getting them done, and I think I know what it is, but I'm excited to hear. And I also really want to teach you what to do, whether or not the request actually is fulfilled.
Speaker 2:Cool.
Speaker 1:So the first step in making a request is knowing what they are, so you got to turn the complaint into a request. Number two this is a more advanced skill, but important nonetheless, and when we start talking about the repair process and things like that later in the year we're going to come back to this, but you can start working on it now, and that is what Terry Real teaches. That I like to call remembering love. And there's two things that we need to do when we're addressing our partner. Number one is remember that the person you're talking to is somebody that you love, somebody that you live with, somebody that you care about and want to be happy. And number two, the reason why you're speaking is to make things better. So instead of having a bunch of complaints about this lazy, ridiculous person that you just have to put up with that doesn't ever do anything, instead you can make requests, but remember that you're talking to them, to somebody that you love, and you're talking to them to make things better. And now you're ready to make a request.
Speaker 2:I want to. I want to. Maybe there's a second part to the request, so I'm going to just stay on board here Now. You're ready to make a request, Okay?
Speaker 1:Now you're ready to make a request.
Speaker 2:I would love it I literally just texted this to my wife I would love it if we could have dinner tonight at five 30.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:That is an awesome request.
Speaker 2:I think there's one obstacle that it would be fair to throw in the mix here. I think it's one thing to show up in your relationship and just say, oh, I can just ask for this and I should ask for that, and if you get really good at requesting, you're going to get everything that you want. But I think that there is an element of personal responsibility that comes into play here as well, which is are you setting your partner up to succeed at giving you what you want?
Speaker 1:That is an awesome, really important point.
Speaker 2:It is, it is my job to give my partner everything she needs, to give me what I need.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So my wife might be like yes, I would love to fold the laundry tonight, but I have a really hard time folding laundry when I have two toddlers crawling all over me and throwing all the piles everywhere. So could you take the kids with you to the store so that I can fold laundry uninterrupted.
Speaker 1:Yes. Now see, that's how you can get an A++ at making a request, because A you brought up several really good points. One is you have to teach them how to do it. You have to like. So if you, if your request is for your wife to fold the laundry, you have to make that very specific, like can you please fold the laundry and put it away? That would make me extremely happy. Fold the laundry and put it away, that would make me extremely happy. An A plus plus student is then going to say is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to fulfill this request for me? At which point she would say yes, it would be much easier to fold and put away the laundry if there were not two toddlers hanging on me. And then you can say ah, got it, I will take the toddlers. You fold the laundry, boom.
Speaker 2:Mission accomplished.
Speaker 1:We're both happy campers.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's no fun to make a request to somebody who can't fulfill on the request because of the circumstances that they're in Setting them up. To fail is not going to make you either of you happy.
Speaker 1:Exactly. And here's like a really important concept in relationships If you, if I lose and you win, or if I win and you lose, we both lose, because the reality is is that the winner, the loser is going to make the winner pay. So you want to create circumstances in which both of you are winning. And especially when you're making a request, how can you help your partner win? How can you help them come through for you? And oftentimes it's super simple. Why am I going to stretch? Why am I going to help you do what I'm asking you to do? It's because then we both win.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, love that, yes. So here's the homework Number one think about the areas of your life where you're complaining and think about the thing you did not ask for first. Where do you feel like things are not fair? Where are you feeling a little bit of resentment and then identify what am I not asking for? So easy common example.
Speaker 2:If you're resentful that every Saturday your husband spends multiple hours watching football games and you're like just left to kind of take care of all the household duties and the kids and whatever while he gets to relax and watch TV, what are you not asking for? For some people it might be like, hey, I don't care if you watch football as long as the house is clean first. Or I don't care if you watch football as long as you give me two hours today to have completely to myself to go get a massage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, those are requests Like change the way you're saying that, nate, because I know what you're saying. But Right.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm starting to identify, like what's the need.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly you would be complaining about I. You know he started watching football before the house was clean. He started watching football.
Speaker 2:What's the thing that's irritating you about him watching football. And then it's like, okay, something's bothering me about this. What is it? Is it that I need time for myself? Is it that that that I'm left to my own? I'm left with all the responsibility of watching the kids or taking care of the house, and it's like, okay. So those are the complaints, those are the things that I need. How do I make that request next week? How do I say hey, I know you want to watch football all day today. I know you're going to want to watch football all day tomorrow. Um, I don't want to be a resentful wife, so I want you to be happy and to be able to watch football. I want you to have that, but here's what I need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what I would love.
Speaker 2:I would love it If I could also go have some time alone tomorrow and to go get a massage. I would love it if, before you turn on the TV, the house is clean and the chores are done, and that you are the person who's getting the kids to take care of it, not me.
Speaker 1:Yes, so good, so good. So you're making that request really really really well.
Speaker 2:Is there anything you need from me?
Speaker 1:Is there anything I can do to make that easier for you to fulfill my request? So good, yes, you guys are. You guys are gonna nail this. I'm so excited, I hope.
Speaker 2:Just try it out try it out this week, see what happens exactly.
Speaker 1:Even if you do it badly, I guarantee that it's going to be better than just completely nothing yep and I would love for you to write in either on Instagram or Facebook, or send us an email, Let us know. Uh, you know how it goes.
Speaker 2:Let us know how it goes. Did it work for you? Did it not work for you?
Speaker 1:I think I hit my head as well as my knee when I felt on it. I think I hit my head as well as my knee when I felt on it Exactly. Yes, I would love to know how this new way of making requests works for you is really acknowledging even a small amount of progress? So, even if they do part of the request, you're going to acknowledge it and show gratitude. Yes, and then keep asking the question how can I make it easier for you to fulfill more of this request for me? And then, after you've done those three things, after you have, um well, you're going to start with remembering love. So here's the recap of this episode You're going to start with remembering love. You're going to dare really we didn't say this explicitly, but you're going to dare to rock the boat. Making a request is tough. It's vulnerable. You have to deal with the idea that, because it's a request, your partner can turn you down.
Speaker 2:Complaining is a safe cop-out. Right For not being vulnerable in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Exactly. It's not vulnerable, but it's not going to get you more of what you want. So, being willing to rock the boat and make the request, making it very specific and doable and asking what can I do to make this easier for you to fulfill, and then recognizing what your partner has done or given to help fulfill the request. And, final step, after you've done this really and I want to tell you, if you do those things, I want you to pat yourself on the back and be like good job me, like I am setting myself up for success in the future, like I may not get everything that I want in this very moment, but I guarantee I'm going to get more than just complaining about what I'm not getting. So I want you to pat yourself on the back and then I want you to just let it go. Now here's a really important concept that I feel like we have to talk about just real quickly before we sign off is keeping micro disappointments micro, because there will be times when your partner does not fulfill the request or doesn't do a very good job, and that is a micro disappointment.
Speaker 1:Relationships are disappointing sometimes and what we do sometimes is that we take a micro disappointment. My wife did not fold the laundry while I was gone, even though I made the request and I took the kids and I did all the things to help her win. She did not come through for me. She never comes through for me. She's super lazy, horrible, yes you are. You are escalating this small micro disappointment I didn't get what I wanted on this Thursday afternoon to. I never get what I want I. This relationship isn't working. My wife never does what I do everything, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yes. So I want to make sure that you recognize, when you make a request and it goes unfulfilled, that that is a micro disappointment and that you can continue to make requests and that there's going to be times when your requests are fulfilled and there's going to be times when they're not and you're going to be disappointed. There's always going to be reasons to be disappointed. But if we will keep those disappointments micro and not escalate them and make them, you know, tint your entire view of the relationship, you're going to be much happier and you'll continue to make requests with the promise that some of them will be fulfilled.
Speaker 2:I'm taking notes. Here's my commitment, monica I am going to do this this week and then, when we show up next week at the beginning of the episode, I will report on how it has gone, because I think my marriage would benefit from more of this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and here's the cool thing, because if you're listening to this episode and your spouse isn't and you're like, okay, I'm going to try this, watch, as you are the example for your spouse to follow, like they're going to be like I. Really they're not going to, they might not be able to put it into words, but they're going to be like. I love the way Nate asked me to get the laundry done. I love the way Nate asked me to get the laundry done, asked me how he could help me come through for him, instead of just coming home and being pissed because it wasn't done and then watch them as they start to mimic you and also make requests.
Speaker 2:Yes, they will. I've experienced it.
Speaker 1:Well, I can't wait to hear how this goes for you next week and I hope that if you're listening to this episode and you gleaned a few of these things, even if you do it badly, I want you to write in monnie at monicatanercom, or find me on Instagram and let me know how it goes, how making the request went. Did you follow the steps, even if you did it badly? How did it go? And we might even read your experience on next week's episode. We're definitely going to hear from Nate how it went, and next week we are going to talk about how to um, how to appreciate progress, even if it's a small amount of progress.
Speaker 2:We're going to talk about the best and why it's important to do that.
Speaker 1:Yes, why it's important and we're going to refer.
Speaker 2:I know some people I know some people hate the idea of celebrating and rewarding progress.
Speaker 1:We'll talk about that in the next episode. Yeah, and we'll also bring in what we're learning from Amy Sutherland's what I, what.
Speaker 2:Shamu taught me about life, love and marriage.
Speaker 1:Yes, I will be further along when we record that episode and we're going to talk about it. So if you want to grab a copy of that book, do it. And yeah, do it, and then you'll be more prepared for next week's episode. So thanks again for joining us and we'll see you same time same place next week, or different time, different place.
Speaker 2:However, you choose to listen to this.
Speaker 1:It's true, and if you're loving what you're learning from this episode, feel free to share this episode with your friends.
Speaker 2:Or you know, or you can share it passive, aggressively, with your spouse.
Speaker 1:You're right Tell them.
Speaker 2:this is what I need you to listen to this episode because you need to make this change. So if you got this episode from your spouse, just know that your partner Nate, I would love to hear you do that in request form.
Speaker 1:Use what you learned.
Speaker 2:I would love it if you'd listen to this episode and give me the things that I need and start asking for what you want instead of complaining about what you're not getting. How that I need Start asking, and start asking for what you want, instead of complaining about what you're not getting.
Speaker 1:How can I be easier for you? Okay, bye, awesome, we'll see you next week.