Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely LOVE to be together and the ones who merely tolorate each other in their old age? I always want to run up to the cute old couples who still hold hands while walking down the street and ask them all their secrets to relationship success. This podcast gives me the opportunity to do just that!
I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to 4 kids, weekly podcaster and relationship and intimacy expert/enthusiast. I help couples ditch the resentment and roommate syndrome and increase communication, connection and commitment, so they can write and live out their happily ever after love story. If that sounds like something you want, this podcast is absolutely for YOU!
Each week, I'm teasing out the principles that keep couples hopelessly devoted and intoxicatingly in love with each other for a lifetime and beyond. I'm searching high and low for the secrets of happily ever after and sharing those secrets with you right here. Sound marriage advice for Christian couples who want to live happily ever after and achieve a truly intimate friendship and passionate partnership, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it!
Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
How to Plan a Year-End Trip to Set Yourself Up for a More Passionate Connection in 2025
After returning from a rejuvenating, phone-free escape to Cancun with my husband, I'm back with insights on how to create a year-end wrap-up experience. Joined by my faithful co-host, Nate Bagley, we share how undivided attention can transform your partnership, even if a luxury getaway isn't in the cards this year.
Discover creative ways to carve out meaningful moments at home or on a simple staycation, ensuring that no barrier, whether financial or logistical, stands in the way of bonding with your partner. Plus, learn more about an exciting class coming up on January 7th that promises to help couples reflect on the past year and strategize for the future.
In this episode, we discuss ways to set relationship goals, tackle conflicts, and prepare for an end-of-year meeting that sets the stage for a thriving new year together.
Goal setting in relationships can be a double-edged sword, offering both opportunities for growth and potential pitfalls. In our conversation, we unpack the nuances of sharing goals and holding each other accountable, emphasizing the importance of clear communication and boundaries. Whether you're using apps, coaches, or each other for support, knowing how to strike the right balance is key.
As the year wraps up, we encourage you to conduct a year-end review with your partner to ensure a harmonious start to 2025. We will take a brief break for the holidays, returning on New Year's Eve to explore the differences between a mediocre marriage and a passionate one.
In our conversation, Nate refered to several books on marriage that he has read. Here are links to them on Amazon if you want to check them out.
Want to attend my webclass all about Setting Goals as a Couple and Making 2025 your BEST Year Yet? Use this link to register: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/plan-for-relationship-success-in-2025-tickets-1115977291119?aff=oddtdtcreator
The All Or Nothing Marriage by: Eli Finkle
Everything Isn't Terrible by: Kathleen Smith
What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage by: Amy Sutherland
Hello and welcome back to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I have a special guest slash co-host, nate Bagley, with me today. He's been sick so I'm so, so glad you could get out of bed and join me. I have been itching to record this episode because I posted on social media about this trip that my husband and I took to Cancun, and I didn't I barely had any pictures of it because I didn't use my phone the entire.
Speaker 2:Good for you.
Speaker 1:We're gone. It was awesome. It was so great to just have my husband's undivided attention and we just completely did our own thing.
Speaker 2:I'm sure it was also awesome for him to have your undivided attention.
Speaker 1:Yes, oh, my goodness, yes I mean those moments where we can really really do that are few and far between, and we're lucky because our kids are old enough that they I don't worry about them when we're gone they can handle themselves. There's lots of people that help, but you know if when they were younger it helped to have a babysitter or a family member that really trusted to kind of take care of those things for us. But to be able to put down your phone and not worry about where anybody is and just like one on one, give each other your full, undivided attention, is incredible.
Speaker 2:That sounds amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm jealous.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, you're up, you got to plan, it Got to get it on the calendar, so episode about it, so that people could start thinking about it, the importance of it, and then really make it a priority in 2025. So even like that.
Speaker 2:So can we, can I? Here's my thought.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Not all of us can arrange our lives to do like an exclusive trip to Cancun, so I'm going to. I want you to tell me how you would recommend or we can discuss this together taking the this experience that you had, maybe like recapping your year or planning for next year. I don't know exactly what you did on the trip, but I want to hear how we can take the productive parts of that. And even if we can't afford like childcare for a couple of days to escape, how can we implement the concept regardless of the logistical or financial situations that we're in?
Speaker 1:Okay, great question. So here's the thing On January 7th I'm going to be hosting just a class and it's going to be all about how to do this sort of planning. It's like recapping the past year what went well, what could have been improved, what we'd like to change, how to plan into the future, like future vision, dreaming, be able to share that with each other. So here's the thing best case scenario you get away somewhere and one of the things I was going to talk about is how do you decide where to go? Lots of people really enjoy, you know, like a little cabin in the snowy woods. Um, for me, I really like a pretty beach, like less clothing is so much better.
Speaker 2:my husband I'm in that camp also.
Speaker 1:Yes, my husband likes to walk along the beach. Like we have our best conversations when we're walking in the same direction towards the sunset or something like that. So for us, beach is ideal. But if you can do you know, if you can get, if you're within driving distance of a cottage in the woods, or you can even take a staycation Sometimes, if you can even have your kids spend the night at friends' houses or family or something, even do it at home. I mean, if you can give each other your undivided attention, even if it's like after hours you have to put a movie on for the kids and then put them to bed, like take a little break but be in your room, be, you know, focused on each other and not worried about all of the other things that are, then you can do this. So, yeah, I mean I highly recommend you try to make a trip out of it, but if it's just absolutely not possible at this point in time, you can do it at home.
Speaker 2:Cool, I like, I like it's got my brain cooking Cause. At first I was like I don't know if that's realistic for me right now at this point in my life, but I think I could arrange potentially for um. It's funny cause we're at. We're at such vastly different stages of life, but these principles are going to hold true. You're, you're in a stage of life where your kids can take care of themselves. You have some flexibility, you have some freedom in your schedule and, uh, you know, um, I'm in a place where it's like we have medical issues that we need to factor in and we have budgetary issues that we need to factor in and our kids, like both of our I don't know if I talked about this on our last episode, but, like we rely pretty heavily on our parents to help us with childcare every now and then.
Speaker 2:We try not to abuse, obviously, that perk, but both of our parents have been really sick this last year, like my dad and my wife's mom both got diagnosed with cancer, which has made it really difficult for them to help with the kids. So we've just been really limited on what we could do. But I think we're in a place right now where, if we like. This would be a really good thing to do this month and I'll bet we could arrange for a little sleepover and just take an evening and just be together and do some planning and dreaming and that would be really fun.
Speaker 1:So good, so good. Yeah, I hope that you'll do that me and then report back.
Speaker 2:Me too.
Speaker 1:I'm going to commit to doing it. We're going to do it. Good, good, good. I think it's the best gift you can give each other for for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we can both use it. I'm just like feeling a sense of relief just thinking about it right now, so it seems like a smart thing to pursue.
Speaker 1:Cool. Well, yeah, so to give you an idea of the kinds of things that are really helpful in this sense is when you get away and you kind of have some distance from the everyday barrage of stimuluses that are in your household and in your environment. So being away is really really helpful. So that's one of the reasons why, if you can arrange for a play date for you know, your kids, if you went to a hotel, that would be better, but if you can, you know, be in a different room in your house or something like that, if you can, you know, be in a different room in your house or something like that, um, because that really helps kind of clear your head and then doing a little bit of prep before you leave, like what is it that?
Speaker 1:you really, you know, if you had your spouse's undivided attention, what would you really really want to talk about? And I think it's important to um to set some expectations before you leave. So, like for us, for my husband, it was really important that we have a lot of physical intimacy. He likes to go on vacation, he likes to be touched, he likes to have, you know, no clothes on or whatever.
Speaker 2:I'm a no shoes, no shirt, no problem kind of guy myself.
Speaker 1:So yeah, he likes to spend a lot of time in physical connection, whereas for me, I wanted to uh catch up on some. Sleep was really important to me. Yeah, eat some really good food, which is why all-inclusive in cancun works phenomenally for us, because I like to eat really good food that I don't have to prepare yep so that was really important to me.
Speaker 1:And then being able to talk about some of the things that I have like learned and gleaned from working with other couples between the two of us. So I think we checked off all of that with our trip. It was really, really awesome, like he got a lot of what he wanted. I got exactly what I wanted. He was really receptive when. Awesome, like he got a lot of what he wanted, I got exactly what I wanted. He was really receptive when I was talking to him about the repair process and, um, you know, working on certain like couples issues, right that he is not that interested in.
Speaker 1:He's like we're fine, everything's fine, you know, whatever. Um, but I got to like really talk about something that was bothering me, like it was in the vein of.
Speaker 2:Here is something that could be improved right, this is something that's important to me and I need it.
Speaker 1:I want you to hear it yeah, and I I articulated it really well. It wasn't like a, you know, I went off on a tangent on you know, meandering all around. It was like this is something you know for me that I talked to him about, about repair, so, and I'll even we can do a whole episode on this it's really important, but it's when one partner is in disrepair and what happens with us a lot is. I will come to him with an issue, like oh, I'm really frustrated about, um, the way our conversation went last night, right, and he, you know, just because he doesn't have this knowledge, like he hasn't been taught this before he'll totally hijack the conversation.
Speaker 1:So I'll say like, oh, I'm really upset about this thing, I wish this had gone differently. And he'll be like, well, and then hijack the conversation with what he's upset about. And what I've learned about repair in my RLT training is that repair is a one way process. So when your partner comes to you with something that they're in disrepair about, your job is just to listen and understand, even if you don't agree, even if you have a ton to add, even if you counteract all of it.
Speaker 1:your job is just to understand and to make repair. So what is it that you can do to fix the problem? So if somebody came to you and said my microwave is broken, you're not going to say, oh well, my oven is broken. No, say, what can we do to fix the microwave? And then, if you have something that you are also upset about, you can come at a separate time and initiate a repair request.
Speaker 2:Well, and oftentimes once at once, you feel like the repair has been made. You're way more open to right after that, hearing your partner's side of the story as well.
Speaker 2:I find that happens a lot with me and my wife is if I'm willing to, like sit in the swamp and listen to her, even though it can be really emotionally challenging to not share my perspective and my take and my point of view. If I can just will myself through it and like hold onto myself and self-soothe and show empathy and kindness and compassion, I can see this burden lifted off of her shoulder when she feels understood and then oftentimes, immediately afterwards, she's like, well, what was that like for you? And she'll want to, she'll want to do the same thing for me. Yeah, so maybe like that's a really good thing to incorporate into this, like end of year meeting is time for repair.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Or time to like make agreements about how you're going to handle recurring conflicts in your life. Or, you know, it's not just like like hey, what are our goals. It should be like hey, what, what is like if we could implement one thing this year into our relationship that would just kind of like level it up? Or if you know, if I could help you feel more loved in one way, what would that be? And maybe this is the year of physical affection, or maybe this is just the year of listening, or maybe this is the year of you know, just the year of listening. Or maybe this is the year of you know radical ownership or taking responsibility. I don't know what it is, but that could be a cool thing to incorporate into this meeting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally All of that. Yes, I'm all for all of that. And we can do another episode. I want to do another episode on repair, but I can teach you how, because I could tell when you started talking about when your wife comes to you with a repair and you're like I have to sit in this, but like for a very long time.
Speaker 1:like I will teach you a process of repair that is eight sentences long. You can go to your spouse and eight sentences max, tell them exactly how you feel, what you would like now, and then request something from them, right?
Speaker 2:Awesome.
Speaker 1:Do you?
Speaker 2:want to do that now, or do you want to save that for another episode?
Speaker 1:Save that for another episode, but that was a good teaser. Yes, it is a good teaser to keep listening. Keep listening into 2025. So we've got a ton of really awesome skills coming at you. But that's what I taught my husband and he was so receptive to it and I loved it because I felt like that was one area of our relationship in 2024 in which I really felt like it was not going well.
Speaker 2:Cool, I'm happy, I'm proud, proud, proud of you and happy for you.
Speaker 1:Thanks, yeah so there's.
Speaker 2:I think there's something to be said also about one of the things I really liked that you said is that you you were really like concise and didn't go on tangents when you talked about, talked about this issue. It's like there's something about understanding the timing and the emotional state that your partner is in and the setting and your delivery that all play a factor into whether or not you're heard and understood and received well when you need to provide. Like nobody wants to be told that they are, in one way or another, contributing to something not working. Like nobody likes to feel like a failure and if you're, I like the concept. Have you ever heard of the acronym HALTS, h-a-l-t-s?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, like if you're. We've noticed that in our family, like the worst time to have one of these conversations or provide feedback for each other or talk about something that's upsetting us is like we're exhausted and laying in bed, or like dinner should have been an hour ago and it's late and we're both hungry and you know it's like hungry and tired Nate are not receptive. So mad props to you for understanding one that you had something important that you wanted to bring up, and then to cultivating a setting and making sure that your partner was in a place where he was literally in the best possible emotional space to receive that and be generous about it and be willing to to to work towards a unified solution. And I think that's something regardless of whether or not you can go to Cancun. That's a lesson that you can learn from Monica's Cancun trip is considering those, those factors when it comes to talking about something that might be a little emotionally charged or difficult or that might typically make your partner defensive, like can you make sure that they're not hungry? Can you make sure they're not stressed? Can you make sure they're not tired, like?
Speaker 2:One of the worst times to talk to me is when we're like, um, we're driving somewhere and we're we're between, like I'm trying to navigate somewhere that I've never been before and I'm focused on the road, trying not to get us lost, following directions. And if my wife starts talking to me and asking my opinion on things, or she's planning the calendar or wants to have a serious conversation, I can't tell you how many turns I've missed, exits I've passed, because I just can't focus on two things at once.
Speaker 1:Here's a pro tip. Are you ready? Here's a pro tip.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Always contract really good. Couples use contracts really well. So like, yeah, there's. There was tons of opportunities for me to have this conversation with my husband, but I made sure that he was ready to receive it. So you know, we were walking along this, this path one day and I was like I'm so ready to talk to you about repair. You know, we were walking along this, this path one day and I was like I'm so ready to talk to you about repair. You know, let me know when you're ready for that, right, and we went on to talk about other things, other topics or whatever, and I just held it. And then we got, we took our, we got to the place where we could access the beach, we took our shoes off and we started walking along the beach. And he's like, hey, I'm ready for the repair conversation. And I was like sweet, and we did it.
Speaker 2:Permission granted yes and he was so ready right. Like.
Speaker 1:I could have initiated it earlier, but he just maybe he wasn't ready. I don't know why, it wasn't visibly anything different about him, but when he was ready, he was ready and it was, and, and I've had multiple experiences in my relationship where, um you know, it's been just like a really stressful day at work and I come home and and my wife wants to talk about something and I'll just say like, hey, I know this is really important to you.
Speaker 2:I am just not in a headspace right now where I can have this conversation without it probably going poorly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, and that takes a lot of effort, especially if you are in that headspace, if you're stressed or overwhelmed, if you're exhausted, to be able to like notice that and not get reactive and just say, hey, I can already tell just by the state that I'm in that this isn't going to go well.
Speaker 2:Can we hit pause and pick it up later? It's really really hard, especially if you remain in each other's physical presence, because then the conversation is kind of just like looming in the air and it's like, okay, we won't talk about it, but just you know like there's this temptation to want to dive back in. So so I think those contracts are important, like being willing to take a break, being willing to put things on the table, making like a great agreement that I've heard, I think the Gottman's suggested is that like if you're the one who asks for space, you also have to be the one who re-engages in the conversation in a reasonable time, like if you say I need a day and you don't bring up the topic within that 24 hour window, like that's not fair play.
Speaker 1:So you can also prep your partner Like hey, like when you walk in and you're like I am not in a space to talk, she might be able to say okay, let me know. I really want to have this conversation about how much money we're spending on Christmas.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Let me know when you're ready, and then you can go and unwind and, you know, do your thing and then be ready to have the conversation that you're asking for.
Speaker 2:And to bring it full circle, one of the best things you can do is set aside some time over a weekend to recap your year and make part of that conversation, talking about things that may be weighing on you and that may need to be addressed, but create an environment where it's collaborative, where you're both have full tummies, you're not distracted, you're not exhausted Maybe you've had a long night's sleep already and you can sit down and be generous with each other, and that could be a good way to start off your year.
Speaker 1:Having tough conversations is so important to a passionate marriage. So we will talk. We'll go into depth about how to have difficult conversations and we're also going to talk about the important, like how to go from a mediocre to a passionate marriage. That's going to be in our next episode.
Speaker 2:I love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we will go into depth on how to have these difficult conversations, because I know most couples most couples, for one reason or another, because it hasn't worked in the past, it hasn't gone well, they just shove it down, put it to the side. They like to tell themselves that they are just accepting their partner. Once you are no longer having these difficult conversations, once you are no longer having these difficult conversations, you are putting yourself in that mediocre marriage space.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm excited, yeah, so that's recapping your past year.
Speaker 1:So another, like, really important aspect of our trip that I highly recommend is sharing with each other the ways in which you want to grow, so you can set goals together. I mean that's, you know, really important or whatever, but you should always be working on something that's yours and yours alone, right? So, like, I'm always trying to improve myself in different ways, and sometimes that doesn't have anything to do with Ben. However, he can be encouraging and he can be my rah-rah and he can kind of remind me when I start to forget. So, for example, for me, this is the year of food.
Speaker 1:Like I, on the way to Cancun, I watched this whole documentary on the brain and the gut and the connection and the different foods, and so like, for me, I was like it really hit me hard and I was like, okay, 2025 is the year I learned how to prep really good foods and I figure out how to do it with our busy lifestyle. And you know, I just said this is the way in which I want to grow. It doesn't have anything to do with you, except you get to try all my new foods and be excited about it and, you know, remind me when I get into a slump that I was really passionate about it at one point and so you know that was that was my thing and he had a thing too. So you know that was my thing and he had a thing too that he's like really excited about this year. So those are like the big things uh. Overview points of of the, the vacation or the little uh year in review slash goal setting.
Speaker 2:I dig it. Here's a question I have for you. Yeah, um, when you set goals as a couple, do you also use each other for accountability, or does that cause issues?
Speaker 1:because really tricky actually. That's like. That's like a tough line to walk because I know for me a lot of times my goals will have to do with something physical, like I'll be like, okay, I want to lose 15 pounds, I want to run this marathon, or whatever.
Speaker 1:And so, like I'll think that I want Ben to be my accountability partner, but then when push comes to shove and it's time for him to hold me accountable to something I'm like shut up out of my face, do not talk to like, do not monitor my food Like, like so are you sure you want to be eating that?
Speaker 2:Hey, I noticed you missed your run this morning.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, it's tricky. I don't like that it it it makes us adversaries and it you know.
Speaker 2:that's why I brought this up. I was very curious about that because, um, similar in my marriage, my, I think one of my wife's uh biggest fears is feeling like she's a disappointment.
Speaker 2:And if she, if, if, if, I'm her accountability buddy and she misses a day or she doesn't hit a goal, she feels like she's a letdown, like oh, another goal I didn't hit. Another way I can be a disappointment, and I think we all kind of feel that that way deep down in our core. And so I'm wondering what is the value in sharing each other's goals? Maybe talk a little bit about that. But what I really want to understand is the relationship that you have with each other's goals. Are you sharing it just to share a part of yourself and it's like great, I want to support you. Do you ask for the support that you need? Are you doing this just to let each other in on your world, or are you doing it because you want to drive each other to help accomplish those goals?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So those are all really important things to think about, and it's going to be different in every relationship, but I know, for me, I I share my goals with my husband because, yes, I want him to see that that part of me, I want to share that really kind of vulnerable side of me, like it, like it's something I could fail at, and you do. You know most people don't want a big audience when they're failing. So, um, you know, for me, he's my best friend. I want him to know that vulnerable like, hey, I'm going to work really hard at this thing. I might be able to do it and I might not, um, but either way, I want you to know about it.
Speaker 1:I want you to be my corner, I want you to help me celebrate the victories and I want you to, like, pat me on the back and tell me everything's okay when I am falling short. But the day-to-day accountability I've learned is not. I don't want his help for that. So there's lots of things that you can do, like you can. For me, apps are really helpful. So, like, I have an app that you know keeps me accountable to my running. Like you know, there's different apps that keep me.
Speaker 2:There's tons of. There's tons of different methodologies to track your progress and hold yourself accountable, and you know everything from hiring a coach to having an app to yeah. Like group fitness or whatever.
Speaker 1:Like hey Monica, it doesn't look like you're. You're eating very, making very good food choices today. Right, I'm like screw you app.
Speaker 2:But hey, Nate, you haven't tracked your calories in six months. Oh yeah, that's right, I did do that six months ago.
Speaker 1:Right, so yeah so, but you've got to figure that out. Some people are totally fine with their spouse being their accountability partner. I am just not.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think that's another thing to bring into this conversation is, I think goal sharing is awesome, but but make sure you have a specific ask of your partner, like set the context so that you're not setting yourself up for more dysfunction, argument, conflict Like this. This can be a really beautiful uniting bonding experience or it can become the source of a lot of, like, defensiveness and animosity and frustration and and so you don't want that. So make sure that when you come into this you're you are sharing with each other the expectation that you have or the need that you have regarding their involvement. Like I just want you to celebrate me when you see me doing making this choice, like tell me I'm doing a good job and encourage me. That's a great thing to ask. Or, you know, I want you to help. Can you support me in setting aside funds to pursue the specific hobby? Great, yeah. Like let's budget that into our budget. We can make that sacrifice together.
Speaker 2:Maybe you do want an accountability buddy? If that's the case, ask for it. But if you don't make sure that you're being specific, that like I don't want you to hold me accountable, I don't want you to tell me if you're noticing that I'm not doing this thing, um, or or. If you do notice, like this is the context that I want you to bring it up Maybe we have like a weekly check-in and you can ask me how I'm doing or not, you know. Or maybe it's just in couples therapy or maybe, like there's so many different. It's whatever feels right for you. But but don't just like show up, share your goals and assume your partner knows how you want them to engage in your goal achievement process.
Speaker 1:And report back, because you might change your mind, right, you might. Yeah, that's okay too, yeah like I'm totally cool with an accountability partner and then you know, a few weeks in you're like this is not working out. Let's change this lovely.
Speaker 2:well, monica, you've inspired me to do a little retreat with my wife and recap the year and set some goals for next year and and address maybe some issues that we could probably improve on our relationship, and that has me excited.
Speaker 1:Good, well, I want to hear all about it, and I'm sure the listeners do too.
Speaker 2:So I'm sure I'll come back and recap. After four days of being sick, this is a this is a good thing to kind of breathe some life back into Nate's head kind of breathe some life back into Nate's head, yay, okay, well, perfect, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, I think we can end there. I think that, just to recap, today we have talked about doing a year and couples, inventory kind of you know, year end but year ahead, visionary kind of activity. So, you know, best case scenario, you're on vacation, but also very effective if you can. But just try to, at the very least, give each other your undivided, complete attention and then make sure that you come prepared with what you wanna talk about, that you come prepared with what you want to talk about, that you can be concise and how you want to grow in the next year, and so I think, if you just do those simple things, that it will be a really, really great experience and you can build on that.
Speaker 2:Amazing.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:Thanks, monica, good chat.
Speaker 1:yeah, see you guys on the next episode yeah, just to let everybody know, we're gonna skip next week because it's christmas eve, so we're gonna be enjoying time with our family, as we hope you do, have a wonderful, wonderful holidays, and we will be back on new year's eve with a awesome episode about the difference between a mediocre and a passionate marriage. We we hope that you'll join us for that episode, because I think it's going to set us up nicely for everything we will be talking about in 2025. So, until then, have a wonderful, wonderful holiday.