Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely LOVE to be together and the ones who merely tolorate each other in their old age? I always want to run up to the cute old couples who still hold hands while walking down the street and ask them all their secrets to relationship success. This podcast gives me the opportunity to do just that!
I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to 4 kids, weekly podcaster and relationship and intimacy expert/enthusiast. I help couples ditch the resentment and roommate syndrome and increase communication, connection and commitment, so they can write and live out their happily ever after love story. If that sounds like something you want, this podcast is absolutely for YOU!
Each week, I'm teasing out the principles that keep couples hopelessly devoted and intoxicatingly in love with each other for a lifetime and beyond. I'm searching high and low for the secrets of happily ever after and sharing those secrets with you right here. Sound marriage advice for couples who want to live happily ever after and achieve a truly intimate friendship, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it!
Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After
Creating Lasting EveryLove with Intention with Alex and Kadi Dutton
Wondering what it takes to keep passion burning HOT in the hustle of daily life?
Alex and Katie Dutton join me this week to share the sparks of truth behind their EveryLove adventure—a service that's rekindling the fire in marriages through creative date night packages and model-free lingerie.
They tell their story of entrepreneurship entwined with the commitment to nurturing a deep, intimate bond amidst the beautiful chaos of raising children and juggling careers.
We go over the critical steps to prioritize intimacy, stressing the importance of defining its meaning for each individual. We also cover aligning expectations and fostering open communication as well as how to schedule intimate moments without losing spontaneity, but ensuring that the love between you and your partner gets the attention it deserves.
As we wrap up, the focus shifts to the power of community in supporting a happy marriage. We leave you with an invitation to not just listen but to actively engage with us, as we champion the notion that 'Happily Ever After' isn't just a fairytale ending—it's a reality crafted with intentionality, love, and a little help from friends.
Check out EveryLove HERE -> https://www.everyloveintimates.com/monicatanner
and use the code: MONICATANNER to get 25% off your first 2 collections!
Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely love to be together and the ones who merely tolerate each other in their old age? Hi, I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to four kids, relationship coach and intimacy expert. My goal with this podcast is to help you and your partner swap resentment for romance, escape the roommate rut and nurture a bond built on trust, communication and unconditional love. Each week, I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep couples madly in love, dedicated and downright giddy about each other, from the honeymoon phase to the golden years. I'm on a mission to crack the code of happily ever after and I'm sharing those juicy secrets right here, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it.
Speaker 1:Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I'm super excited to introduce you to my friends, alex and Katie Dutton. Alex and Katie are two hopeless romantics who fell in love, got married and decided to keep loving each other deeply every day. Their passion for thriving marriages led them to create EveryLove. They help other couples prioritize intimacy and pursue each other intentionally all year round with their sexy date night subscription together, intentionally all year round with their sexy date night subscription, model-free lingerie and engaging marriage resources.
Speaker 2:Welcome Alex and Katie. How are you guys doing Great. How are you?
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for having us yes of course.
Speaker 1:Well, why don't you start by telling us a little bit about yourselves and your family and EveryLove, because I know people are going to be really excited to hear more about that.
Speaker 2:That's sweet. Well, I'm Allison's Katie. I guess what we do, I'm still a nurse, I'm working in prison, that's a whole nother thing. Katie's been a piano teacher since she was 15. We got married. Two weeks from now It'll be five years. So we almost married five years. So that's amazing. We have a three-year-old son and a almost one-year-old daughter. So we've almost married five years. So that's amazing. We have a three-year-old son and a almost one-year-old daughter. So we are very busy. They are crazy. And then we have a business and I still work and Katie still works a little bit. So we are just I pretend to work, you pretend to work.
Speaker 3:Yeah, mostly just the kids are real.
Speaker 2:Between the kids and running the business and working and just all that. We have kind of had to learn how to be very efficient with our relationship and being parents and working and having a business. So yeah, every love is we do sexy date night boxes as you said, it's a subscription box meant to help couples married couples prioritize intimacy. That just means schedule it, just be very intentional with your intimate times. We've noticed through talking to our friends and just a lot of other people that a lot of couples don't and it's crazy, they don't put much thought into their intimate lives. So we kind of saw that and we're like we should try and help people.
Speaker 3:A lot of times it just runs on autopilot, um, or it comes up when a problem comes up or when somebody needs something. But we wanted to be really intentional with our marriage and we realized that was necessary. Um, then we saw that everywhere else. Um, so we started these date night boxes Alex's brilliant idea. Um, are we telling about the boxes right now too? Okay, so I didn't know if I was cheating by starting to talk about that already.
Speaker 1:Well, I would love to hear yeah, I would love to hear you talk about the boxes and just how that started. I mean, like give me a picture of where you're just sitting around one night. You're like we should make boxes. Like tell me about the vision and kind of origin of Every Love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I said, so we've been married almost five years. When we first got married, katie would her love language is gifts, it's one of her main love languages. She would always be like, hey, can you like buy me lingerie? Like I would love, like, if you would just like surprise me and that would help, like with, uh, with our intimate life and um. So I would go search on these websites trying to get lingerie and uh, I was like, oh, these things were popping up and I was like, be a good husband and like she so, as a good husband, he just never told me anything and never bought me lingerie, no.
Speaker 2:so it's like this happened for like two years. She would keep asking me and eventually I was just like, hey, babe, like I don't feel super comfortable going on his website, because you would go on his website, you would sign up for their emails. So then you'd be, I'd be sitting at work as a nurse in the hospital. I was like I can't have this happening all the time and it was like so yeah, that's where it was kind of birthed. We were like we need a place for not only a man to go, but like a couple who can go.
Speaker 3:And feel empowered about their sex life and their bodies and their relationship together, and make that the sole focus of what they're doing, when they, from the moment they think of the idea all the way through to the night itself. It's all about them and it's all about their relationship, and that's what he wanted for us, and we couldn't find it.
Speaker 3:So it was crazy we made it and also I just have to make fun of you a little bit Even when we were dating, he's like. This is his line he's like so I have an idea and all these times.
Speaker 3:every day he's got a new business idea and this is the one that we felt we saw a huge need for and a huge need in our lives and in our friends and across just basically the world in general, of married couples that want to. They know there's more and they want that more, but they don't know exactly how to get there. And so he kind of created the how with this box. And it's not just physical intimacy, like the products mainly focus there, but every single box includes intimacy questions that get you connecting emotionally. It includes usually an activity that's fun or playful or romantic, sentimental, and so there's a snack.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's always a snack you get hungry. You need a snack. I'm going to say it makes me hungry.
Speaker 3:There's really everything you need in that box you make a playlist for us.
Speaker 2:It's kind of meant as like we're going to send you the date night and you don't have to think about it. You just get one every two months. We do three different kind of scenarios. We kind of plan out three different date nights on how you could use the contents of the box, so really out three different date nights on how you could use the contents of the box. So really it's three date nights in one box. But yeah, I was going to add another huge aspect of every love that we've. It's kind of morphed as we've grown as a business. We both grew up in Christian households where sex and intimacy was kind of like you didn't really talk about that and we've noticed in talking to our that's pretty relatable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's still the case. So I think something that's big on our hearts now is creating like a space and a community where especially Christian couples or like conservative couples who don't want to be looking at all that stuff, can come and ask questions and not be and get answers from real people who are actually going through this. Like we said, we have two kids, we have business, we have work. We're in the weeds with you guys.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable or guilty about trying to prioritize something that is so crucial to a happy marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well, you know, what I love and what just draws me to the two of you is because you do have young kids right and I have old, I have teenagers right, and so I think when you're taking especially conservative Christian sex advice kind of from people, you want to know that they've been where you are and you know they struggle with the same things. Like it's hard to get really intimate when you've got a baby crying in the other room or you know you're nursing your baby in between. You know make out sessions or whatever. Like there's so many things that like you know, I think there's a lot of advice out there. But I want to caution people who are listening to this.
Speaker 1:You want to make sure that you're seeking out people who live their lives the way you do. You know, because there's a lot of advice can come from you know a couple that hasn't had children, or they don't own a business, or you know all of these things. So it's kind of like when you're looking for mentors in this area, it's good to try and find people who live their lives the way you do, or how you hope to, and understand the pitfalls of young children and teenagers, and you know all the different scenarios that you'll go through, because you know otherwise. It's like easy to dream up all these sexual scenarios, but yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think we've definitely learned the importance of like getting involved in like a community of people. Just, I think when, especially with intimacy, like it's so, like we said, it's so easy just to keep it like and it should be a personal thing, but I think there's's there's a lot of room to like talk with other couples who have the same beliefs as you, um, who want the same things as you and like be able to share um, even if it's just like tips on how to prioritize it or just just little tips and tricks, like that you don't have to like talk about your intimacy, but, um, I think we just yeah, too much, but we've just seen the value in like being surrounded by people of kind of the same beliefs and yeah, yes, well, I absolutely agree.
Speaker 1:So, along that vein, I would love for you to give us some of your best prioritizing intimacy tips. So we were talking before the interview started and you know you guys are busy and we're busy and all the people listening I'm sure feel very, very, very busy. And so how do you prioritize intimacy in those really busy seasons of life?
Speaker 2:Perfect. Okay, we have a four-step plan.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and we'll preface it, though, by saying that your heart, the heart of it, of creating prioritized intimacy and having good intimacy, is in loving each other and prioritizing your marriage in your heart, and so the heart of that unified goal of both of you thriving, both of you experiencing the best of each other and of yourselves and feeling loved, appreciated, respected, safe, that's where all of this stems and that's where you have to approach this process, or else I feel like it starts to get defensive and combative right off the bat. So, just starting it, knowing that, and if you're going to come to your spouse and try this step-by-step process, like coming at them saying, hey, this is my goal, my heart behind this is creating better intimacy for us, helping our marriage thrive, um, reassuring of that love first, and just communicating openly about how that's feeling, and creating that open door for them to communicate first, I feel like starting there and then doing this step by step, and that's where I think the sweet, the sweet spot is hey, that's good.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Yeah, that's perfect and really honestly, I agree with you and, as a coach who's for many years helped couples, sometimes it does require some outside assistance to get to that place of open communication where you feel really safe and comfortable being able to, you know, bring up these topics that are a little bit scary and vulnerable and sometimes have some trauma associated with them. Or some Growing up in a very conservative home might feel very scary to open up these ideas and conversations. So definitely, if you feel like you can create that on your own, that's wonderful. But if there's been some blockages to being able to have really open communication about this, sometimes it's good to seek outside coaching from a neutral third party who can help kind of guide you through these types of intimate conversations. But with that preface, I'm so excited to hear your four-step process.
Speaker 3:Yes, yeah, no, that's definitely the foundation of it, and then you can start to build. For sure, we always advocate for open communication and therapy and counseling and everything in between, like find someone you trust and learn how to have that communication and the emotional intelligence to share, and well and and just sorry not to go off on a rabbit trail, but it can save you so much time.
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness. I mean someone who's been through it and then also has good tips and tricks on how to do it.
Speaker 3:Yes, and I'll share a story, rather than just dropping a bomb on the marriage all by yourself.
Speaker 2:You can literally saying years of repair. Yeah, yes, yes so that's, yes, my plug for counseling and therapy and all that stuff all right, so okay step one sorry for prioritizing intimacy yeah.
Speaker 2:So step one is identify intimacy. So what I mean by that is you both have to figure out what intimacy is to you, and I'll share a story. When we first got married I'll share two stories actually, because it's funny we had an awesome. I didn't even tell you I was going to share this. I hope it's okay.
Speaker 2:We had an awesome premarital counselor. He was a pastor at a church. He'd been doing it for 20 years or something. Had four kids, just amazing guy, um. But one of his questions during our counseling sessions was like how many times a week do you guys want to be intimate and have sex? Um, and we both just like, sat there, like, and he like. He was like he's like I want a number and he was like he was like I want a number and he was like save at the same time. So he said one, two, three and I said five times a week and Katie said once or twice a month. It's the funniest part is he like I said he's amazing and he goes. You guys should probably try and figure that out. And that's where he left it Like that was the end of that session.
Speaker 3:Wow, there was nothing and he was great, but we could have used some help. But yeah, that's how we went into our marriage. No, that's legit, yeah, yeah that's like we didn't figure it out at that no, no.
Speaker 2:So step one identify intimacy. Um so, with that being said, when we first got married, to me intimacy was was sex, it was the physical manifestation of just being intimate. That was all intimacy was to me. Um, and come to find out after years of dealing with stuff and trying to come together, you know, as a married couple should. Katie had a very different idea of what intimacy meant to her. To Katie it was holding hands on the couch, it was snuggling. You know, before we go to bed it was. I'll share another story. Katie would ask me for the first two years of our marriage, at like 7.30, do you want to go to bed? And I did not want to go to bed at 730.
Speaker 3:He thought I meant like fall asleep right now Right Watching TV after work.
Speaker 1:I was just getting rejected.
Speaker 2:But all she would say is do you want to go to bed? I'd be like well now. I know that, yeah, want to go to bed. I'd be like, well, I imagine we would like snuggle. Now I know that, yeah, and literally after a year or a year and a half of this, she asked me and I was like no, like, why do you always ask me that? And she was like because I want to like be intimate. And I was like what?
Speaker 1:you're like wait I'm turning you down, go to bed.
Speaker 2:Go to bed. She's like, yeah, I've been asking you for a year and I was like you never told me that, so that's just a silly story.
Speaker 1:I love it. It's so relatable.
Speaker 2:I am certain that there's a whole bunch of couples who are like, oh yeah, so sitting down and having a conversation and and being honest and vulnerable like and when you first get married. This will be amazing, or even before you're married would be ideal. But if it's been a long time since you've talked about like what being intimate means to you, you should probably sit down and talk that through and that's where, like a coach or just finding a worksheet like to go through, that would be perfect.
Speaker 3:And I honestly think you might not even know, and so that's a really big thing too is you might have to take some time on your own, or an individual session with someone, figuring out what intimacy is to you, and I think a really good tip on figuring that out is thinking about, like, looking back in your relationship, maybe even in your dating relationship, because that's where the sparks were flying, um, even if you weren't having sex or you were. Like when you're dating, you're pursuing each other. You feel connected. So what are those things that are making you feel connected? What are the things that make you feel like you can trust them, be vulnerable, enjoy your time, um, and leave the scenario feeling like you are a stronger as a couple, and identify tangibly what those are. So that might be holding hands. That might be putting away your phones when you're at dinner and actually looking in each other's eyes when you're talking. Maybe you feel like you're out of things to talk about because you've been around each other so long or you're so busy no-transcript and so that might be getting some intentional intimacy questions or getting a workbook to go through together, or those card decks Like we actually have one that goes through questions that prompt you to dig deeper and to learn something you maybe would have never thought about. Talking about Figuring out actually what it is to be intimate for you and we could identify things that works for everyone. But figuring out what it means for you and your marriage is a wonderful place to start. And then also valuing what your spouse says when you bring this conversation to people, because it will probably be very different than what yours is, and developing that empathy takes a long time. So if they say the exact opposite as you, I feel like it's taken me probably. It probably took me three or four years to really understand that. So most of our marriage like this has only been like a year or two that I've really gotten on board with.
Speaker 3:For Alex, sex is not just like the physical release and obviously it's not that for me either. I feel very emotionally connected. But that's where you start, um, that's where he starts Like he feels way more vulnerable when we've been intimate and then he opens up better, um, and so it's harder beforehand for him. Maybe he's had a long day or he's tired. He doesn't feel like I've prioritized him physically and so opening up emotionally and just like opening up that space mentally in his mind to do that. He does it all the time for me, but it definitely is harder.
Speaker 3:And so, coming from that place of going, hey, I want to come and understand where you're coming from and walk in your shoes when you say intimacy for me means, um, being more physical, or you know when you need to reject me, not making it feel like a rejection, making it feel like, hey, we have a plan on the calendar for when it will work because you had a really rough day or something like that. Um, I think that's huge. And just identifying where your intimacy is, what both the needs are and how can we make it so that both of us win. It doesn't have to be a compromise. We can both meet each other's needs and also probably learn to enjoy the other person's form of intimacy more deeply as we start to understand them more deeply.
Speaker 1:Have you taken the intimacy level quiz yet? If not, you absolutely should. All you have to do is go to monicatanercom backslash quiz and take a three minute quiz. At the end, I'll tell you what level of intimacy you and your spouse are at and I'll give you next steps to be able to increase your intimacy. Regardless of what level you're at, you can always make improvements. So do yourself a favor and go to monicatanercom backslash quiz and learn about your level of intimacy and how to improve it.
Speaker 1:You've touched on some really, really, really important points, and I'm really impressed. You've only been married five years. It took me at least 15 to get all of that. Well, congratulations, I'm like I'm really impressed and seriously for those people listening, like most people have never sat down and really had those types of conversations that define what intimacy even means. Like most people haven't even sat down long enough to recognize like what it means to them, much less be able to articulate it to their partner, and what's so important about that is. So, then, you've created a shared understanding and a shared language to be able to discuss these things so that when there is things that don't go your way or you feel like you're being rejected over and over and over again. You can have those conversations because you have more of a basis of where is my partner coming from, why is this so important to me, like those types of things. So, yeah, there's so much value in and I do have a worksheet.
Speaker 1:So if people are listening to this episode and they want a really great worksheet, a place to start, where they can I call it a healthy sexual assessment and it's a place you can just start and just brainstorm and write down some of these things Like what does intimacy mean to me? What feels good to me? What you know, what do I envision as a perfect? You know intimate experience, those types of things as a perfect, you know intimate experience, those types of things. And you can just start out. So if people will listening to this episode, will message me on any type of social media and say let's see what should we call it HSA, hsa. If somebody wants an HSA, go ahead and send that to me and then that will help you do part number one of this four-part way to prioritize intimacy. Okay, so that's so exciting. I love your step one. It's incredible and seriously, if couples will actually sit down and just do that they will be heads and shoulders above where they are now in their intimacy. Okay, so I can't wait to hear step two.
Speaker 2:All right, second one's shorter.
Speaker 3:Yeah, step two. Step two is schedule it.
Speaker 3:And so many people are opposed to this because, oh, you know it's not sexy or what if I? You know, I schedule it and then I don't follow through. And then you know there's all these questions in their mind of scheduling it. They're very averse to it, but just schedule it, um, and big part of why is because anything that you prioritize like, let's say, your kid has a birthday party the first thing you do is you send out a save the date, right, and you want all the important people to come Um, and you want your kid to feel right, and you want all the important people to come um, and you want your kid to feel prioritized. So, if you want your spouse to feel prioritized, you will schedule time with them, um, and so maybe that looks different for everybody, but for us it means actually putting it on the calendar.
Speaker 3:Um, we are talking about the tangible steps of intimacy that we identified in number one. So I'll give you an example of what ours is. You could schedule I'll actually brought examples. You could schedule fun time together, gratitude and affirmation for each other, preventative conflict resolution where you just check in with each other, romantic times and sex. So we're not just talking about okay, on Monday and Friday we're doing it. No, and this might feel overwhelming, so I'm not saying I write everything on the calendar. I don't write, I just write down.
Speaker 3:Okay, every day, when are we going to connect? So that means like hey, in the morning, when we wake up, we're going to, um, make sure that the kids, just like, while they're eating breakfast, we're going to have a nice conversation and we're gonna be like guys, we're talking, we're not um. Yeah, we're going to be like kids, just like while they're eating breakfast. We're going to have a nice conversation and we're going to be like guys, we're talking, we're not Um. Yeah, we're going to be like kids, just like, eat your breakfast, we're talking Um. And then at night, when the kids go to bed, um, we're going to have intentional time where, if we're going to watch a show, before we watch the show, we're going to connect for 10 minutes and talk, um, unload our day, whatever. So that's an example of how we do that. During the day it's just kind of like a set time.
Speaker 3:It's not necessarily written on the calendar. For us, specifically, if you want examples that help you get started, we like weekly meaningful quality time. Everybody tells you to do the weekly date night. It doesn't have to be weekly. For you, once you get that identify intimacy, step in, you'll kind of see where this fits for you and if it needs to be weekly. For us. It does work and I do think it works for most people to try to get it on the calendar every week, cause then when it falls through, um, it's not like a month before you get out together again. Um.
Speaker 3:So, weekly meaningful quality timeout, um, for us it's two to four times a week having sex, um, one meaningful intimate experience. So that's like, instead of it just being like quick, one meaningful intimate experience. So that's like, instead of it just being like quick, actually scheduling, like, hey, we're going to put the kids to bed early this time. We do that like maybe once a week or once every two weeks. We'd love Ripped Routy every week. It's probably closer to every two weeks, where it's longer. Maybe we block out one to two hours where we're going to try to preserve our energy. We're not going to eat anything too heavy and then maybe we save our box for that night that's a great time to use it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, try to test it.
Speaker 3:That's awesome, yeah, light the candles, put on the playlist and really have that um more in-depth time together. And then, on a broader scale, we like to get away at least once a year on a short trip, just the two of us. And we like to have quarterly kind of like vision dates where we check in on what our goals are going to be, we recalibrate how our schedule is looking like hey, in this next season, is the two to four times a week going to work for sex? Is the weekly date night going to work? Budget wise, what are we thinking?
Speaker 3:Just kind of getting back on the same page, because every season in life is different. When you're pregnant and you could go through an injury, if your budget's tight, if your kids have a lot going on, everything's going to be different. And so just kind of making sure you're setting yourself up to succeed and the expectations are not changing without you talking about it, so you don't start to feel uncertain about where the other person is and if they still want you again, I'm so impressed that you guys have this figured out already.
Speaker 2:Like it's so good we don't have it totally figured out but that you're, that you're thinking about it.
Speaker 1:I mean that's really, really something special, because your kids are young and a lot of times, like the couples that I work with, it's because you don't realize you need that type of an intentional time, until you're looking back and realize you're completely disconnected because of the time when your kids were so young and you didn't prioritize that time right. You got so disconnected. So the fact that you are prioritizing it, that you're making it worth, you know, worth something you put on the calendar that's what I always say. I mean, you're not going to miss your dentist appointment or you know a doctor's appointment for your child if you've got it on the calendar. And your spouse should be just as important. And so, yeah, putting it on the calendar is extremely important. Having your spouse and that connecting time on your to-do list really, really important. And getting in those habits young in your marriage, when there's a lot of other things competing for that time is really valuable.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we've loved it. It's helped us so much. And I hate scheduling stuff Like I'm like when we first got married. She'd be like can you put this on the calendar? I'm like when we first got married. She'd be like can you put this on the calendar? I was like I don't have a calendar. We fought over that for a while.
Speaker 3:We didn't have a schedule for a long time and we got marriage mentors and the marriage mentors were like, hey, you're going to schedule every aspect of your life, Like, and he had agreed that we were going to cause we, we were going to because we invested a lot of money into it and I was like, hey, if we're investing this money, we have to do everything they say. He's like yeah, we're going to do everything they say. And one of the first For scheduling Schedule everything. I was like no, no, no, no way they said schedule every 15 minutes.
Speaker 2:I was like Every 15 minutes.
Speaker 1:They don't have kids. So we don't have kids, so we don't have kids. We do like there you go, it's in point. But yes, scheduling is very, very important. If nothing else, it just when you look at your calendar, it's it. It's really. It feels really good to see your spouse in there, right? I mean, when I look at my husband's calendar and I see date night on his calendar, i'm'm like oh, I'm important to him and important enough to put it on his calendar or to do it.
Speaker 3:It builds up a lot of anticipation, which is fun. Like you know, you're going out, you're excited to drop the kids off somewhere. It's just it's way more meaningful than just oh hey, you know, my mom can come over. She said she can come over tonight. You want want to do something? And then where do you want to go, or you know, and then we're kind of driving around trying to decide what to do.
Speaker 3:Nobody got ready, or yeah, it's really fun to have it on the calendar kind of leads us to step three, when you were talking about, like, the seasons where it just kind of doesn't happen or you get so far away you didn't even realize what happened.
Speaker 2:So step three, uh I mean, we've talked about it a lot, but step three is overcoming obstacles and we want you guys to do that before the obstacles show up, preferably but if you're already in obstacles, that's fine, you're gonna but what?
Speaker 3:yeah, if you can kind of sit down and think about in my life right now, what are the top like three to five things that I know that's going to be my excuse why we didn't do it.
Speaker 2:Um, for example, yeah when we first got married, we didn't have lots of money and katie would always stress about money and she still does um, we still don't have much money, but, um, she would always stress about money. But she would always say I want more date nights. But in my head I was like, well, you're so stressed about date nights, like we can't afford to go out, so I just stopped taking her out, um, and had we talked about it and she could have been like, hey, we don't always need to go get a full dinner and you know, do everything, and go see a movie and ice cream and spend a hundred dollars on a date.
Speaker 1:She just wanted quality time.
Speaker 2:And again, that's just like framing what you think date night is. It's so important to talk about that, so that was like an obstacle we had to overcome and realize that, okay, every time we go on date night it didn't need to cost us $100 or $200.
Speaker 3:You can pack a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, bring a blanket to the park and go on a picnic and that's a special date.
Speaker 1:Yeah yeah, that's like such a Tanner thing. I joke that's the like the biggest Tanner. That's just something that defines our relationship. We love it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's just something that defines our relationship.
Speaker 2:We love it. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, so just having a conversation about like what you either are currently having a hard time like overcoming to get to those intimate times, or what you can kind of foresee in the future Like we said, we kind of do quarterly like check-ins, so that really helps us like get ahead of what's coming up. Like if we know it's going to be a really busy time in the business, we can look ahead and see okay, we need to make sure that even though we're super busy, we're still planning it and being intentional.
Speaker 3:So I think another one, another good example of this one is not having a babysitter. A lot of people, a lot of people will say oh well, like my family doesn't live in town Like we do, we're very lucky I'll be transparent that we both have mothers that live very close that will watch our children and we have a babysitter. So we are really lucky in that department to be able to go out almost every week. Um, but I understand from the perspective of somebody that has children and we've had times where our babysitters on vacation, their moms are sick, you know, and everything seems to fall through. Um, so I would say, on that note, if you don't have a babysitter or you don't think you can afford a babysitter, please don't make that excuse that, oh, I just can't afford a babysitter. There are ways around that. You have a community and if you don't, you can. That's going to be at step four. You have a community, hopefully.
Speaker 3:If you don't you can get involved, um, if you go to church? Um, if you don't, you can get involved If you go to church, if you find a park playdate group with other moms. It might take some time, but build those relationships with people that are in this same season and you're going to find 20 other moms that don't have a babysitter, that are dying to get out with their husbands, and so, if you can this is my idea for those moms and I've seen it work really well for friends. If you can find a mom that you trust, um, that has kids in the same age group, and you guys swap, um, then you get date nights out twice a month and they get date nights out twice a month, and it's only one night a week, um, and your kids get a really fun play date every week and they go to bed early because they're tired.
Speaker 1:My husband and I did that for years. In fact, we had a group of four families, and so on. Your night to babysit was super chaotic. You had a lot of kids you know, and they would all just you know you'd turn on a movie and they'd fall asleep. And your biggest, you know, we didn't have a lot of money back then.
Speaker 1:So in the biggest room of your house, whatever that was, you just throw a lot of money back then, so in the biggest room of your house, whatever that was you just throw a lot of pillows down and you've got a bunch of kids at different ages, but then you get three date nights out a week where you don't have to worry about a month you don't have to worry about your kids. So, yeah, that's an awesome, awesome suggestion.
Speaker 2:I also want to say date. I also want to say day and night does not have to be going out every time. I do think it's important to go out to have that intentional time where you're just with your spouse, but you can always get an every love, day and night box. You got three dates right there, so yeah. And yeah, once kids go to bed, you can use that yeah.
Speaker 3:There's a lot of stuff you can do at home.
Speaker 2:Just scheduling that, like we said, like that puts so much intentionality behind it, so you feel loved, like oh, my partner is actually prioritizing doing something, even if it's just at home.
Speaker 3:Yes, um, I, I think one of the obstacles that this could kind of come up during identifying intimacy, but one of the other obstacles is maybe not just a physical barrier or a circumstantial barrier, but more of like an emotional or mental barrier in your head, and so it might not even be within your relationship.
Speaker 3:If there's conflict resolution, that's something you guys need to take care of. Sometimes there's conflict that you need to ask yourself hey, I really love my spouse, can I still be intimate? Can I still go on date night? If it's a long-term conflict, that is while we're working through this, and if yes, then yes, keep doing it, keep pursuing them, because that will help you resolve the conflict. If it's so big that something needs to pause, then hopefully you are pursuing outside help and you're working through that with someone else, um, and getting advice on how to take steps back into being intimate.
Speaker 3:Um, but if it's outside the marriage, um, an example of this would be, um, my son and he was being like so mean to Alex for a while. Um, alex switched jobs not jobs, uh, schedules in his work, and anytime a schedule is thrown off. If you're a parent, you know the kid has a hard time and so he was just taking it out on Alex and just like I don't like you, I don't like you and just like being like that, and it was super hard for Alex to initiate like playing with him in that time, because anytime you would try to go play with him he would just be mean. And I realized this is preventing. I know this sounds ridiculous, but you guys might identify with me. This is preventing me from wanting to feel like I want to be intimate with Alex because he's grumpy with the kids and I'm trying really hard and it's happened like six months ago I'm trying really hard to keep them happy, to invest in them, to show them that they're a priority.
Speaker 3:And then Alex comes home and he's kind of grumpy with them and then the kids get grumpy and usually Walker's starting and so it's not always his fault, but like it's just this cycle of everybody's grumpy in the house and when I go to bed I'm like hey, you didn't have, you were kind of impatient with Walker. Like I don't really feel, you know, like, and I you shouldn't take your kid's side, obviously, but that did sort of create a roadblock in our intimacy. So just kind of identifying hey, is there something for you. I think it's like if I'm overly critical because I'm kind of critical and nitpicky, and if I'm like always getting on him for how he's doing everything or how he forgot this and this and this, then when we go to bed is he going to want to have a nice connecting conversation with me or is he going to want to be open physically Not as likely.
Speaker 3:He's going to feel disrespected. He's going to feel like I didn't like value what he did do that day and how hard he worked for us, even if he forgot a few little minor things. So kind of seeing, if there's little things in your life that aren't even related you don't think they're related but maybe they're affecting you I think that's one other obstacle that you could throw in there. Sorry, I'm just trying to blow up you guys's.
Speaker 1:I actually think this is so insightful, like really well thought out and, yeah, I think that the really good exercise for couples to go through. What are the potential obstacles that would keep us from prioritizing intimacy? That's a great step.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because had Kitty never said that and I just want to say I wasn't being mean to Walker.
Speaker 3:No, he was never Well what happened was.
Speaker 2:it got to the point where I would go and try to play with him and he'd be like I'm a mom and he would just walk away. So I got to the point where I was like to be honest, I'm not going to play with you. It got hard.
Speaker 1:But then Walker is a teenager.
Speaker 2:No, Walker is two, I'm just kidding. He'd be like I don't like you, daddy.
Speaker 3:No, that's how he would wake up in the morning.
Speaker 2:It was only for like a week.
Speaker 3:It was like a really really rough week or two transition, but yeah.
Speaker 2:But anyways, then we had a conversation and I don't remember exactly what it was, but this topic came up. I asked Katie. I was like hey, like what's preventing? And she asked me what's preventing intimacy right now? And she was like you're not playing with walker and I was like what, like that's?
Speaker 3:I was like just dumbfounded, okay, but there's nothing sexier than watching your dad with his kid.
Speaker 2:But I didn't understand that, like I, I didn't get that. And then the crazy part was that night we went home I played with walker and it was a good. It was a good night later, that's all I'll say, but that's what.
Speaker 1:I'm saying now you play with Walker all the time but there's just stuff you never would have thought of.
Speaker 2:That your partner is going to say and it will change. I mean, it will literally change like your intimate life. Go talk to your partner, so good.
Speaker 1:I love it, alright, step four. Step four get involved in a community. Go talk to your partner. So good, I love it All right. Step four.
Speaker 2:Step four get involved in a community, and I want to also say, like, talk with the communities you're already involved with. Something that we have been, like, so convicted with over the past couple of years since starting our business, was how much and we said this a little bit much we don't talk to our friends.
Speaker 3:uh about our marriage, not just about like sex, but just about marriage in general yeah, uh, we've had.
Speaker 2:What do we have? To live friends in the last five years, get divorced which is like which got married after us not last.
Speaker 2:I think one was married longer, but and we come from a conservative Christian community where you would think, but it's like our generation is having a hard time right now and I think part, and we were just like out of left field. We had no idea this was coming. We thought they were thriving and just had the best marriages. So that just like breaks our hearts. So that's another reason why we did every love was to have a community, um, but I would say, yeah, getting involved in your community. So we give a lot of resources on because a lot of people don't do this how to talk to your friends, um, just about their marriage in general. And then we kind of use every love as, like how to support your friends in their sex life. We ask our subscribers to send us to their friends just as a way to like be like, hey, here's this company that can help you out.
Speaker 3:I feel like it's an area that in some ways, you do honor the sacredness. You don't like go talk to your friends about oh, like specifically what just happened in bed. You don't like go talk to your friends about, oh, like specifically what just happened in bed. You don't want to put something in their mind about you know your husband and your friend's mind, or you don't go and air out your problems Like it's gossip or like you're venting Um, you have to be very careful in this area. But just coming alongside people and letting them know, hey, we're having a hard time this season, um, you know, vaguely saying, hey, this is going on. And if they're in a place where they're your mentor and your spouse is open to it, um, getting additional support there, first, um, and then community can also look like um going to therapy.
Speaker 3:Community can look like um joining your churches, like married couples groups and just having that support where they open up topics and they have a speaker. It can look like going to conferences. It can look like checking in on your friends, and I think there's a good place for helping your friends that are struggling, like you were talking about. But there's also a very needed space for you to make sure that you have friends that have a goal of prioritizing happy marriage, because you become who you surround yourself with. So, as you help the friends that you do have and you open up those conversations, if you're noticing hey, I'm surrounded by people that are on the way out of their marriage you need to make sure you counteract that with building up a community in your life that is going to support you in prioritizing yours, so that, as you try to help other people, your mindset isn't shifted into not prioritizing or seeing the negatives of marriage rather than the positives as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would also like like there's a lot of good facebook groups. We have a facebook group yeah, we're just starting it.
Speaker 3:We're super excited um our commit to connect, which is actually kind of what we've been talking about. Um, we're going to be giving out tons of resources like this, doing marriage nights, um, where we go on live and um talk, talk about a topic and give application for people. We're going to be doing a big marriage challenge. We're going to be giving out some freebies that we give to our subscribers and also great opportunities to just get more involved in the Every Look community. And prizes, prizes.
Speaker 2:Like I said, surround yourself with the people you want to mimic or become and just being like a community that's just has the same beliefs as you. And I think it's so easy Like we found it so easy as like new parents and even before that to just like be in our own little world, new parents and even before that to just like be in our own little world. And when you're in your own little world and you're going through problems, it makes it really hard to want to reach out to anybody. I mean, we've had times in our marriage where we were going through stuff and even we reached out to our church and our church is amazing, but there wasn't much help there. So I think just having you know additional places you can go when you need a little help is just huge.
Speaker 3:Um, I think doing that before you're in trouble I think that's the big piece is we did not, yeah, we did not prioritize because church we asked, we asked for help, like right now, in this moment, after we were already having a problem problem, instead of prioritizing, being involved in the community that was there and then having that relationship to reach out to when something happened that would have been. It's not like you can't do it when you're not.
Speaker 2:That's a great point.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's really great. Okay, let's see how well I was listening. Let me see if I can summarize your four steps. I think they were really really great. So the first step is to basically define intimacy. What does it look like for you and what does it look like for your partner, and how are you going to create something really awesome together? Step one. Step two would be to schedule it. Make it a priority right, get on the calendar. Step three anticipate roadblocks or work through them. If you're facing them currently. I think that's really, really brilliant. And step four find a really supportive community. So did I get it? Yes, so good. Oh well, I love those four steps to prioritizing intimacy. So I'm going to ask you the question I ask all of my guests on the podcast If you had the undivided attention of all the married couples in the entire world, what is the most important lesson you could teach them about prioritizing intimacy?
Speaker 2:I would say something I've learned that's huge is having the right mindset that this is your teammate, no matter what, no matter what you're going through, and even if it's them putting you through it, they're still your teammate, they're still your number one fan. And if you don't have that mindset, you need to work on it, Because when things are hard, when you have two screaming kids and your wife's exhausted and yelling at you and she's going through it, you've got to step up and be that person for her. And vice versa. When you're exhausted from work and don't want to do anything and you come home to two screaming kids, like you know it's just. Having that mindset is just huge.
Speaker 3:I think it's so easy to um let problems divide you, and I think that message is all around us. We're inundated with um you and I think that message is all around us. We're inundated with um. You know, just put yourself first.
Speaker 3:And even if I'm not saying divorce is never um called for, but divorce is such an easy way out for so many people, um, and I feel like we're constantly inundated with things that would put us against each other, especially in our own minds.
Speaker 3:Our own selfishness is so easy. I'm next to him all the time. He's the person who I can see. I have a magnifying glass on all his strengths and all his flaws, and it is so easy to blame him when, instead, if I could be assuming the best and knowing, I think, just like you said, creating that team aspect, that he wants the best for me. And I think, just like you said, creating that team aspect, that he wants the best for me and he chose me and he loves me, and I want the best for him and I chose him and I love him. And love is not just something you fall into, it's something you actively continue to work towards, even when you don't feel like it, reminding your mind to teach your heart that this is your teammate. Those feelings will come back if you continue to do that.
Speaker 2:I want to give a quick example. Sorry, this was Easter morning. This was a couple of weeks ago. We were hosting.
Speaker 3:Oh man, we had 10 people coming over for breakfast.
Speaker 2:This was right after church. I don't even remember what it was about.
Speaker 1:We started fighting.
Speaker 3:It was really dumb.
Speaker 2:It started fighting it was dumb, it was bad, it was we weren't talking to each other and people were literally two minutes away. And we had tried this a couple of times. But I went up to Katie and I hugged her and I said, hey, I'm your teammate, I love you. And she was like trying to get away. Well, no, she wasn't, but I sound bad. She was like not loving it. And then, after I said that, she was like, yeah, and she cried a little bit and we hugged and we had a great Easter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we had a great Easter, and just both of us just shifting from I'm mad to you and to hey I don't care what we're fighting about Like we're a team, we're going to get through this, everything's gonna be okay, like that was huge. So, yes, change your mindset and that'll change your heart.
Speaker 1:yeah it's really, really good. Change your mindset and it'll change your heart very, very good. Well, thank you guys. You guys are awesome. I'm so impressed with how insightful you both are and I am really, really, really excited to point people towards the Every Love Date Night boxes. Ben and I have tried one and it was super, super fun. I look forward to getting more. So will you tell the listeners? We'll have it linked in the show notes, but tell the listeners where they can find you and get more information about Every Love and all of that good stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Probably the best spot to go is Instagram. We're at every love intimates. Um, that's kind of where we show everything and then we have a website to every love intimatescom.
Speaker 3:If you're ready to subscribe now, that subscription will pop up for you right away on the every love intimatescom. There's also um an area down there where you can subscribe to our email list and you can just get in the know about any resources we're putting out um any discounts and then all the like the free stuff that we do as well, and then we're also starting the facebook group yeah, come join now.
Speaker 2:So every loves commit to connect facebook group. Like I said, we're gonna have challenges gonna have. We're gonna host date nights.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're gonna host marriage nights where you guys get application on, you know, a lot of the stuff we've been talking about, plus more, and turn that into a community where you can come and get support, more of a really positive. We're not therapists, so if it's real heavy we'll put you somewhere to get help. But just encouragement and accountability and support Ideas, fun ideas for date night, all that kind of thing on that group, yeah.
Speaker 1:Very good. Well, thank you both so much for your time and can't wait to see where you go from here.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. Thank you for doing what you do yeah.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much. We'll follow along with you as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, see you soon. If you had as much fun as we did just now, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite podcast player and leave a rating and review for the show or share it on social media. That's how other people can find this awesome content and we can spread the message that Happily Ever After is possible. Feel free to check out my website, monicatannercom to find out more ways you can work with me and, as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. We'll see you next week.