Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

12 Questions to Transform Your Conversations with Topaz Adizes

• Monica Tanner, Topaz Adizes • Season 3 • Episode 272

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Have you ever felt like your conversations with loved ones are getting a little dry?

This week's interview with Emmy Award-winner, Topaz Adizes shatters that pattern, unveiling "12 Questions for Love" to revolutionize our understanding of intimate dialogues. 

Topaz is known for his work on The { } And project and shares how carefully crafted questions can peel back the layers we often unintentionally wrap around those closest to us, liberating our relationships from the confines of the metaphorical boxes we've built.

My discussion with Topaz sheds light on the magic of road trip-like environments that encourage raw, uninterrupted conversation, showing us how to replicate this space in our daily lives. Through anecdotes and insights, we unlock the secret to nurturing conversations that evolve as our relationships deepen, emphasizing the role of intentionality and the settings we create for fostering openness and vulnerability.

This episode serves as a gentle reminder to approach our loved ones with empowering questions that inspire growth and understanding. 

For more resources on love and connection, be sure to check out:  https://monicatanner.com.

Speaker 1:

When you're with someone, you start putting them into boxes. Right, this is how we talk, this is who we are, this is what it is, because your mind wants to do that, because it's creating comfort. It's kind of like safety.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's a great point.

Speaker 1:

But there's no growth in comfort.

Speaker 2:

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely love to be together and the ones who merely tolerate each other in their old age? Hi, I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to four kids, relationship couple coach and intimacy expert. My goal with this podcast is to help you and your partner swap resentment for romance, escape the roommate rut and nurture a bond built on trust, communication and unconditional love. Each week, I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep couples madly in love, dedicated and downright giddy about each other, from the honeymoon phase to the golden years. I'm on a mission to crack the code of happily ever after, and I'm sharing those juicy secrets right here, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome to the secrets of happily ever after podcast. I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I'm super excited to introduce you to one of my new friends, topaz Adizis. Topaz is an Emmy Award winning writer, director and experienced design architect, as well as the author of 12 Questions for Love, a guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships, so you can probably tell how excited I am to have him with us today. Hello, topaz, how are you?

Speaker 1:

Hey Monica, Good to be here. Thanks for having me.

Speaker 2:

Of course, of course. Well, why don't we start by just having you tell us a little bit about yourself and your family and where you live, since it's fun and new?

Speaker 1:

Well, I'm a father of two. I have a four-year-old and one-year-old, and my wife is here and she's from Mexico. She's from Guadalajara, Mexico, which I've been kind of basically living for the last five years. Before that was New York for 18. Before that, I grew up in Los Angeles for 18 years and we are moving my family are moving to Uruguay on Monday, in three days. So we're going to give that country and that phase of our lives, that chapter of our lives, an opportunity to see what happens and what's going to get rid of.

Speaker 2:

So fun Well, you I feel like you've gone coast to coast and all over.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think I'm very conscientious and intentional with the life that, or the experiences I'm creating for myself and my family and my loved ones. I mean, how could I not with the work that I'm doing? It's really about exploring the connections and the relationships around me and in my life, and the environment is an important part of that.

Speaker 2:

I love it. I love it, so tell us about your book. 12 questions for love.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So 12 questions for love is really a guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships. And if you think about it, where do we learn to actually have these beautiful conversations that will deepen your connection with others? And it's something that I think we often take for granted, in that the people that we're closest to maybe we spend the most time with, or that we feel we're most in love with, or that our family members that they're just we're most intimate with, that we're closest to, that we're in touch with the most, we sometimes take those are the most granted because they're there. We almost feel like they're always there. Right, I love them.

Speaker 1:

I don't have to express it, it's like it's de facto. It's the basis of our love. We know of our relationship, we know it, but we don't really explore it. And there's so much energy, there's so many nutrients, rich nutrients, to create a more fulfilling vital life by exploring the relationships that are closest to you, but we don't know how to. We don't learn that. It's not like we learned that in school.

Speaker 1:

We basically learned that from modeling what happens in our own family or amongst our peer groups and our friend groups and what I've had the honor of experiencing for the last 10 years and actually we're starting our 11th year now is holding the space for the end, and what I mean by that is you bring two people into a room together. This is what won the end mean everything. You bring two people in the room together, we give them questions that they ask each other and we film it with three cameras. So there's two cameras that are close up and one wide shot to see both people facing each other, but we're always showing both their faces at the same time, and by doing that and by filming their conversation and filming and seeing both their faces react to each other, you really get a sense of their connection and the vulnerability of the conversation. And so doing that, my team and I, for the last 10 years, we've learned a lot.

Speaker 1:

We learned about what does it take to hold the space, to create the space, what makes a really well-constructed question? You know why does this work? Why is it that everybody comes, can have an incredible conversation that they never expected to have? How do we create that? And that was really the impetus for creating the book. That's what the editor asked. It's Topaz. What have you learned from doing this? For 10 years, we've had over 1200 couples of all kinds, not just romantic, but best friends and family members, and grandparents, the grandchildren, coworkers, right Lovers and ex-lovers have these conversations and it comes up in the book. It's everything is distilled in the book so that you can have these conversations in your own life, you can explore the relationships in your life to feel more rich and amplify your experience of what it means to be alive, to be human.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I love that so much. And when you were talking about why we sometimes take this for granted, I think a lot of times we think proximity and how long we've known each other, that we just know everything about one another. Right, We've been articulate in the same places and we've known each other forever, and so what is there to ask, right? And so I think it's so important to remember that we're growing and learning and changing all the time. And even if we spend 24-7 with our spouse which most of us don't we're still experiencing the world in a different way, depending on how we grew up and how we see things and all of that. And so having these conversations are so important, Even if you're together all the time and you've been together forever, right?

Speaker 1:

I mean because we spend so much time together. We are built as humans to be, to find comfort, to find safety. Our mind is the biggest advocate of that. It's there to protect you, to keep you safe, to make you comfortable, and so when you're with someone, you start putting them into boxes. Right, this is how we talk, this is who we are, this is what it is. Because your mind wants to do that, because it's creating comfort. Right, it's kind of like safety.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's a great point.

Speaker 1:

But there's no growth in comfort, right? There's no progression, there's actually no thrill of exploring and becoming more expansive, and so we have to take a little bit more of that effort to not take our relationship for granted and step into that discomfort for the bigger payoff, for the bigger payoff, and that's the thing is that if you risk, the more you gain right. The more you actually step into it, the more you'll get from it. So how are we doing that in the relationship superlives? You go to a restaurant. This happens all the time.

Speaker 1:

You go to a restaurant and you see there's a couple there and they're both on their phones and they're swiping up and down. You see a bunch of friends at the table. They're swiping up and down. Why are they swiping up and down? Getting their DM, sending their emails, whatever they're doing, Whatever you're doing, this happens to all of us Instead of actually sitting looking at the other person and having a conversation. It was because you're getting all these dopamine hits with all these new pieces of information. Every time you swipe up down new email, open it, whatever it is, you're getting a dopamine hit, but they're small dopamine hits.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you put that aside and you actually know how to engage with someone, which is basically, you create the space and you ask really good questions, well-constructed questions. It's going to take a little bit longer, but the dopamine hit you're going to get is that much more. It's that much greater. You have to wait a little bit. You have to invest a little bit, bring a little more conscientious and attention to it, but the dopamine hit you're going to get is much bigger.

Speaker 1:

You're going to oh my God, I didn't realize that about us. Oh my God, I did, but we never said it that way. Isn't that funny? Oh my God, I forgot about that memory and you saw it this way and I saw it that way. Isn't that beautiful about life? We have to invest a little bit more. We've got to bring a little more intention, and the book and what I'm offering people and what my team and I are offering people through the book is this is how you can do it. Here's the blueprint for how you can ride the bicycle so you can play basketball. Not just watch other people play basketball, but you can play basketball as allegor as an example Right.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so good.

Speaker 2:

And also, as you were thinking, like the dopamine hit and all of that, like I think about how to describe the difference between love and desire.

Speaker 2:

So this is a training I did years ago, but I remember how important it is. Love is about comfort and familiarity and, you know, knowing the other person, being able to count on them, right. Where desire is more about this curiosity, this newness, this risk, right, like what am I going to learn about you that I didn't know before? And it's about and when you say speak talking to each other in a restaurant, like that, it's about channeling that energy of when you were first dating and you were first getting to know each other and you, like you just hung on their every word, right, you love the way they smelled, the way they looked, like you know the twinkle in their eye when they talked about something that was exciting to them, right? And the saddest part I see with couples is that they just lose that. But you don't have to. You can always call that in if you're having good conversations, if you're showing a healthy amount of curiosity about this person, because there's so much to get to know about each other all the time.

Speaker 1:

Beautiful, I totally agree, and what I hear from you is discovery. Right, you're discovering the other person. You're exploring uncharted terrain which, at the root of that, is this curiosity like what's here, what's there? You don't know if you're going to fall off the cliff or not, you're going to offend them or not or discover something new. So you're in this new zone and we oftentimes, as we take the past as though it's been discovered, but it's not. It could be re-seen, it could be explored in a new way, and you could explore the past with your partner. You could explore the present with your partner in a new way that you think. You think this is charted territory. Not really. If you ask well-destructed questions, different questions, you'll explore previous terrain that you've covered in a new way and that makes it a rediscovering and then makes it excitement, and that gives you more energy and more appreciation from the person you are speaking to.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's so interesting. I'm going to get vulnerable for a second just because I think this is so interesting. But I remember when my husband and I were first married and I would tell him some stories about my past and stuff and he would get kind of like oh I don't know if I like that, right, like he, he, he, it wasn't, you know, it was kind of scary to him or he just didn't, it wasn't something that he was used to hearing about and things like that. And now, like 20 years later, we'll talk and we'll go and we'll talk about high school experiences and things like that.

Speaker 2:

And he loves hearing those stories. He's like tell me more. Oh, my gosh, that's so exciting, right. And it's just because he's grown I've grown, our relationships grown, and so now we can like revisit those types of things that used to be kind of scary and you know, you know it would kind of throw us off balance. And now it's like so fun to talk about these things and explore those things and it just it's kind of a testament to how we grow and how our connection grows, and then those things become so much more fun. It's like oh, I love knowing that about you versus like that makes me really nervous, right.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, absolutely. And we and we change right, and sometimes we follow this pattern where I've heard that story. Yeah, I know that story. Why are you telling me that or what, or, more importantly, why you asked me that question again? You already know my relationship, my mom or this story of my life, but your husband knows you now differently than he did when he first met. You spent 20 years, you've had children together, right. So now when you tell maybe the same story, or he asked you the same question and you tell an answer, he understands the context, he understands much better. So, whereas it might have meant one thing when you first met, when later that you know each other that much more, that same story means something different because the context has changed. What I mean? Let's give a simple example.

Speaker 1:

Let's say, the first time you go on a date, you go on a roller coaster, right you have this experience and you're like this person's so fun, there's so much fun, they're on the roller coaster with me, we're, and it's scary. Okay, a year later you realize, actually, that person hates roller coasters. They never go roller coasters but because it's the first date, they didn't want to, you know, be scared, they want to put the best face and they went on it. Now, on the first day you thought this guy, this person's so much fun, they, they go on these dude roller coasters, me great. And a year later, oh my god, them going the roller coaster wasn't for fun.

Speaker 1:

This is actually a greater deal of courage for them. It meant something different. Well, you saw it at the beginning, which was someone just jumping on a roller coaster, was a year later, now that you understand them. You understand they never go no closer and they have fear. That they actually really went beyond themselves and you didn't realize it when you first want a date.

Speaker 1:

But now that you know them better, a year later, you look back and that you know this is big, different, it looks different, it's a different thing, and that pertains to many aspects of our lives. Right, you go over to the person's house for the first time to see their family. Everything seems nice and dandy on this level or not. And then, five years later that the parents that you met are now your parents in law, your relationship changes. When you think back to that memory, it changes. Now it has different meaning.

Speaker 1:

Things change because we change, but how often do we ask the questions that explore it? And just by Illuminating the experiences that we have, the changes that we go through Illuminates and amplifies experience of being alive, of being human. Right, gives us a greater sense of, but we just take it for granted because we're protecting ourselves. Our head is there, built to protect us, but the heart is built to connect us. So let's provide environments where our hearts can connect. And that's what's in the book and that's how it's see. It's like create the space, ask well-constructed questions and we can get into that, like how do you actually do that? Maybe some of you are listening to this thing and this guy is great. This sounds by. Let's get to it. How do we do it Right?

Speaker 2:

we can talk about my next question Give us a step by step right. So like how can we really improve or deepen our relationship through these conversations?

Speaker 1:

It's. It's simple and sometimes there's so much beauty and mastery and simplicity. One first there's two parts. A is the space and two as well-constructed questions. So the space what are we talking about? Look, if your husband comes to you this evening and says, monica, why do you love me? Now you're not wondering why you love him. The first thought is not gonna be why you love him. You can be wondering why he asked me this question while I'm watching TV or I'm putting the kids asleep, or what, what not right? What? What is going on here? Where? Why is this coming up? What happened today that he's? Now, if we create the space, I eat, you're playing our car games and he pulls out the cards and he says why do you love me? You know you're not wondering why he's asking you the question, because you know you guys are playing a card game. He randomly chose a card, the cards. And why do you love me? So those questions you're wondering about are answered. Therefore, the space is truly created for you to answer and the space is also created for him to receive.

Speaker 1:

So, when we want to have a conversation with our partners about something, let's create the space that's bringing intention. Now, the creating the space could be. Let's like the candles and put music. It could also just be laying out the intention. Hey, I'd like to have a conversation with you, an open one, based on curiosity. Can we take a moment to do that? It could be an hour, it could be half an hour, it could be five minutes, but just laying out the experience, creating the space. The space is an offering. Hey, I'd really like and oftentimes we get in conversation. What kind of conversation are we having? Are we having a conversation where we want to solve a problem, that we just want to explore, something that I want to articulate to you how much I appreciate you? Why are we having this conversation? Let's just answer that. That's why these card games that we sell are super useful, because they automatically create the space. It's a game. Oh, we're playing a game, okay, so we're playing a game. We're exploring, right. So that sets the space. And then, so that's number one.

Speaker 1:

I mean, why are road trips really great for conversation? Oh, yeah, because there's not much else to do. I mean how you could play the music, listen to the audio book in the book, but that's it. There's nowhere to go, there's little distractions and we got time. How can we replicate that in our own lives? Without getting in the car and going across the country or going for a long road trip, we can do that. Some people in houses have the spot where they sit every night to have a sunset, to watch the sunset or to sit by the fire. That's why like a fireplace is always so helpful, right? Because there's a fireplace there and there's kind of the invitation to sit and look at the fire and have a conversation. Where in your home, where in your heart, where in the space of your relationship, are you creating the space to have a conversation, to be together? So that's as simple as creating the space and the intention, right?

Speaker 1:

So you want to add a little something to it. Oh, please, please. And, by the way, you know, I'm a big fan of Terri Real, who you're a mentor.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

So you know, I've listened to your other podcast and I just want to acknowledge that the work you're doing, the work he's doing, is just incredible and I'm a big fan of it.

Speaker 2:

Have you taken the intimacy level quiz yet? If not, you absolutely should. All you have to do is go to monocatannercom backslash quiz and take a three minute quiz. At the end, I'll tell you what level of intimacy you and your spouse are at and I'll give you next steps to be able to increase your intimacy. Regardless of what level you're at, you can always make improvements. So do yourself a favor and go to monocatannercom backslash quiz and learn about your level of intimacy and how to improve it. Oh, thank you. I appreciate you saying that. Well, I was going to click in here with creating the space and I think that's so important and like two of the ways that I teach. And this is really interesting because my husband and I have owned a business together for 20 years and we just at the beginning of this year, sold it Congrats.

Speaker 2:

And when he was running that business. I mean, I have my business now and he was running that business and while he was running that business he had a lot of time, a lot of time and space. We talked on the phone a lot, we texted each other a lot, he was home a lot, he had a lot of free time. Now that he's sold the business and he's taken this new position it's very new. He's learning a lot really fast. It's kind of a he's on a leadership board for a big business, so he's learning a lot really quickly. He's got a lot of responsibility, so he doesn't have a lot of time.

Speaker 2:

So time is like a precious commodity to us now. And so, as far as like making the space for these conversations, we go on walks every single night, 20 minutes at least, right, we walk around the block and the intention of that time is hey, what do we? Let's connect, right, let's put our phones down. There's no distractions, nobody's, you know, it's just the two of us. Let's connect every single day.

Speaker 2:

And then tonight, as we're recording this, it happens to be Friday night, date night, and so I am so guarding that that is tiger time for me, right, I'm going to make sure that I'm well rested, that I have a lot of energy, that there's nothing that's going to create any type of distraction. For that time that I want to spend with my husband, and I don't even care what we're going to go do, I just want to be with him, I want to connect, I want to have these conversations and I just want to be like, hey, what's tell me all about? Like what you're doing and I you know, and I'm going to tell you what I've been doing, what I've been dealing with this week and all the things that are happening. Right, because we've created that space and it's non-negotiable daily, weekly.

Speaker 1:

Beautiful, beautiful, I love. I mean you must have a very healthy relationship and I might be that a resilient relationship. If you are dictating, not dictating, if you're allocating, committing to 20 minutes every day plus a date night, that's a lot of time, that's beautiful, especially with four kids. It's beyond.

Speaker 2:

It's literally 3% of the time that you actually have.

Speaker 1:

Right, but that just I think it's the intentionality that you put in the and you can. You can distill a lot of energy and intention in short amount of time. It's like, what are you doing with that time? But I think you said you don't care what you do on the date night, you're just together. I think that's wonderful. But I do suggest that people not to take the date night for granted and actually do things that are different. If you went on the date night tonight and you asked your partner, your husband, when was the first time you knew, I knew I loved you?

Speaker 2:

That is a good question. I will ask him that tonight.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, do you know that? Just asking different questions, what is your favorite now? Because what's your favorite memory from your worst relationship? I mean, that's not to say about your relationship, but that's a nice one, that's a ret. You know what about? If we ask each other questions that we rarely ask or that are different, that are connecting different pieces, two ideas that we rarely put together? That creates a space for a lot of exploration which we lead into like what makes a good question. But what I suggest is when we go on date night, let's do something that we don't always do. If we go to the same restaurant for efficiency and sense of comfort, great, but when we sit down, let's have a different kind of conversation every week. Or let's go to a different place and do something totally different every time. There's been research that shows it really helps in a relationship is doing things that are new to both parties and doing it together. That revitalize, creates new forms of connection, and we could do that in the forms of action, but also in questions and conversation.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I love that and you know what? One of the biggest purposes of date night is to make memories together. Right Like I like to think of when my husband and I are really old and we're sitting out on the porch swing like watching our grandkids play in the lawn, like what are the memories we want to have? Right Like I don't, you want to be creating those memories all the time. So date night is a wonderful time to do new things, explore new things, like so that you're sitting out on that porch swing and you're like remember when we did that thing.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. And even the date night is a great way to reinforce the memories that happened in the week that you didn't have a chance to really sit in. Right, your kids are there, they say something really funny. You look at each other, you go, oh my God, and then you raise off. You haven't had a chance to talk about it. There are date night. You go. Do you remember that happened Monday night? Wasn't that incredible? You could share your point of view, share their point of view, point of view.

Speaker 1:

What was happening there is, you are reinforcing that thread of connection to that memory so that in 20 years, in 30 years, you'll remember it that much more. Right, my wife and I have a book every year. It's a calendar book and every time something happens, a memory worth remembering, a challenge, worth remembering, anything that we don't want to forget. We write in the book on the day that happened. And what's great is now I have four or five of these books every year and I can go back and I'll remember memories I totally forgot, right, but that reinforces the idea that my connection with my partner and, matter of fact, everybody in my life, every connection is unique, creates unique synergies of experiences. Right, the date night you're going to have tonight with your husband would be very different if it was somebody else the same time it would be different. Just because the synergy of who you are, that there's something to be said about reinforcing that through conversation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know what I was thinking. This is really interesting. Tell me about this this morning. So this is going to date me. But when my husband and I were first dating, the cell phone plans right, you didn't just have unlimited minutes, it costs every single minute you talk to each other and we were long distance. He was in Idaho and I was in Texas and after nine o'clock you got three minutes and I remember how excited. I used to get at nine o'clock.

Speaker 2:

I'm sure that my schedule was totally clear, like I would move mountains to be available at nine o'clock.

Speaker 1:

so that I could talk to him right, and the butterflies.

Speaker 2:

This went crazy and I was like, oh my gosh, this is my favorite time, right, and we would talk into the wee hours of the morning. And so I was thinking about, like, really honestly, my husband and I I was out of town for five days with one of my daughters and then this week has been insane. I really haven't seen my husband. So I'm like counting down the minutes to date night and I'm like I am going to be so available, I'm going to have all that energy and I can feel the butterflies already. Like, oh my gosh, I'm going to get them all to myself. It's like it like at the after nine o'clock, right.

Speaker 1:

How long is your date night?

Speaker 2:

Well, I always say at least three hours, but I mean so you know, be wonderful, monica.

Speaker 1:

Well, for me I may not be good, but what if you guys had the conversation of 12 questions?

Speaker 2:

I would love that.

Speaker 1:

Let me know how it goes. Let me know how it goes. I'd love to hear semi message how it goes. I mean, that's one thing you guys could experience. Is would be interesting.

Speaker 2:

Do you have like a download or anything Is like yes, those 12.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, the skin deep, dark. Oh yeah, we have it. Right now there's a free download for the 12 questions for love challenge, so you can get all 12 there. And then we have other digital kids and tool kids for eight night and activities. But yeah, we, that's. That's beautiful. I really acknowledge you for so conscientiously creating this space. But no surprise, considering your training and experience and what you offer the world, that you're also walking the walk with your partner. That's. That's very important.

Speaker 2:

Well, I've spent a lot of time, kind of like you, doing research. What I love to do is talk to couples that have been married for 50 years or longer and just to still down those secrets of happily ever after and that's one of them. They still look at each other with the same type of like excitement and passion as they did when they first met, right. And how do you keep that going over decades and decades of time? Is you have to be able to channel that energy. You have to be curious about each other. You have to, like, get excited about who is this person that I'm married to, right.

Speaker 1:

What comes up for me when you say that is the idea that we have to also know that that love and see you're talking about, when you look them in the eye and there's excitement, that feeling also changes.

Speaker 1:

It's not the same feeling you have when you're waiting for nine o'clock to hit so you can talk to your partner. You know to your husband and I don't You're a fiance or boyfriend in Idaho, who's now your husband in 20 years and father of your kids that excitement and passion is different. It's a different one, and do you acknowledge it? Are you still harping back on the way it used to be or are you paying attention to how it is now and how it's changed? Because the reflection of you being able to acknowledge was changing your relationship and your feelings is also acknowledgement of how you've changed. So it's self reflection of I'm not the same person I was a year ago, two years ago, 10 years ago. I might be a little bit older, I might have a little more wrinkled, I might be a little bit older. You know less energy, but isn't that beautiful too?

Speaker 2:

Oh, it just gets richer and richer with time, right.

Speaker 1:

It can't. I think so unless we're you know, if you choose to let it be, if you, you know, if you say, oh my God, I don't, it's not what it used to be, OK, let's just say like oh so why don't we have the same passion we did when we were first dating? Why don't we have? Is that a healthy question? Why don't we have this? Because our mind is built to protect us. It will answer any question you give it.

Speaker 2:

It's so true.

Speaker 1:

Right. So why not ask really good questions, right? So you know, I like to compare your mind to a dog. Your mind will chase any stick you throw it, and the stick is the question. Any stick I throw, if I throw the stick in the pond, in the muddle, in the inside, in the mud, the dog's gonna go into the mud and get it. So what's the question that throws a stick in the mud? Why do we fight so much? Okay, you asked your question. Your mind is gonna answer it. Give you a whole laundry list of reasons. Why do we fight so much? Is that really helpful? No, is that really what? If we ask, what if we change and throw the stick up on the hill?

Speaker 1:

It's got a nice view and that form of question would be what's our biggest challenge right now? And what is it teaching us? And even make that question better is don't that question was the biggest challenge in our relationship? And what is it teaching us? When you ask that, it's puts the other position as the arbiter of truth. So tweak it and say what do you think? Or what do you feel is our biggest challenge? Or what do you think it's teaching us by saying that they're no longer the arbiter of truth. It says their opinion, it's their feeling, puts you more in equal setting. But ultimately it makes that question a lot more empowering and has a lot more constructive to your relationship, cause you're not looking for all the negative things that are disempowering. You're looking for things that we can empower and make us better. So when you ask yourself questions or in a relationship, there's five things that make it really good and we can go into that but-.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I do. I would love to, cause I love the idea of giving your brain really good problems to solve, cause I agree with you, your brain will get. Your brain will find whatever you give it to look for. So if you can wake up and give your mind good problems to solve, you're like gonna be so much more effective all day long. So let's talk about good questions we can give our brains to solve.

Speaker 1:

Well, there's five aspects, in my opinion, that make good questions, well-constructed questions, when it comes to a relationship. First, don't ask binary questions. Do you love me, yes or no? Yes, are you happy in this relationship, yes or no? Like just to know. Questions are not helpful, right, because doesn't my opinion? It just does not create their space for exploration, doesn't a space for the nuance, right, and it can end the conversation with yes or no. That's one.

Speaker 1:

Two is we've been saying, make them constructive. You know, create a way that it puts you in a more empowering position, right, so make them constructive. Three is, offer them as gifts, not as an agenda. When you know this sometimes you mean the listener you know when you're being asked a question that puts you against the wall, you can feel it in your body and there's like defense factors that comes up. Maybe you're a little resentful, especially when someone asks you a question they already know the answer to. Right, in the law profession they say they tell lawyers don't ask a question you don't know the answer to. So that's something that her and that they say. So, in terms of relationship, you don't wanna be asked a question that you feel the person already has an answer to. You feel almost like you're being tested. So don't offer questions that you're testing the other person. You wanna ask questions as an offering, as a gift that's rooted in curiosity, not an accusation or a test or right, or that one has an agenda behind it. So ask questions that is rooted in curiosity and offered as a gift and an openness. Why do we fight? Why are you angry at me? Well, that sounds kind of accusatory. Why don't we offer as curiosity? Why do you think I feel, or why do you think I sense, that you're a bit angry at me? You know that's putting them in my shoes, asking. So that's really helpful.

Speaker 1:

Fourth one is let's connect things that are unexpected, and there's two ways to do that. One is putting people in your shoes, them in your shoes, swapping shoes. So what do you think is the hardest thing? Being your friend, monica? I ask you that question. Then instantly, you're gonna put yourself in your friend's shoes and kind of look at yourself and say what is the hardest thing? Being my friend? Okay, what do you think is the hardest thing for me? Being in our relationship? What you know? When do you feel I feel most seen by you? Are you gonna answer that by putting yourself in my shoes. So asking the questions that put someone else in your shoes or you in their shoes is helpful, and also can.

Speaker 1:

The other version of that's unexpected is connecting two ideas that don't usually come together. So an example of that would be how does conflict make us better? We don't often think of conflict as something that improves us right. Or on a personal level, you could say how much does earning money cost me? What does earning money you know what does earning money or my pursuit of earning money cost me? Mm-hmm? You can ask questions that do not usually come in. It's like connecting two different neural nodes in the brain that are not usually connected. Ask the question you find your brain will find the connection to them. So that could be helpful and also a great way to explore. And then the last one is this is something that's often overlooked, but it's really helpful to ask the question.

Speaker 1:

That acknowledges the connection between you and the person you're having the conversation with.

Speaker 1:

That it acknowledges the connection. What I mean by that is if I ask you what scares you the most, and your husband asks you, monica, what scares you the most? And your best friend or your daughter says or the stranger on the street says what scares you the most? You'll most likely answer this question the same way. You know it's snakes. Snakes scare me the most. Okay, but if I asked you instead, one that acknowledges our connection, the other says what do you think scares us the most? Or what do you think scares me the most that doesn't scare you? That acknowledges our connection. And you'll answer that differently than if I ask it. Your husband asked it or the stranger on the street asked it. So when you're asking the question, try to make sure that they're not binary. They don't have an agenda, they're constructive, they're connecting something that's unexpected and they're acknowledging the connection between you and the other person. Now, a great question has all five aspects, but you don't have to do that. Just bring a few of those traits into the question and it helps.

Speaker 2:

So good, that's awesome and yeah. So those are great questions when you're in conversation with another person, but those are also linking it back to what we were just talking about. Those are great questions to give your brain right, because one of your brain's main functions like we've kind of been talking about is to notice problems right, and a lot of times your brain is gonna land on a problem that maybe is probably not a problem for you. Like you might walk in and go oh, this laundry room is so small, like sure it's a problem, but not like one to try and solve right this moment. Right, but a great. If you.

Speaker 2:

I feel like, as you were talking, if you use the elements of this question like what can I do today that would show my partner how much I love and cherish them? Right, that's gonna give your brain something really awesome to look for. It's constructive, it's not yes or no, it has no agenda. Besides, you want to show your partner how much you care about them and it acknowledges that connection, right. So so many elements of what you just said makes for a really productive day if you can wake up and go. What problems do I want to solve today? What problems is my brain just going to arbitrarily come up with me, for me today, right?

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, and I would swap the word productive for impactful Impact Right. And the reason I say impactful is because I think oftentimes in our society we are so focused on being productive which is another way of saying we're always trying to have answers, and I think we need to spend more time with questions, because what's really at the heart, why am I being so productive? Maybe I'm being so productive and I don't mean to harp on this, but as an example of a core understanding, a learning that I've learned from watching all these conversations, is we need to stop looking for answers. We need to create better questions, because we're so kind of on the societal programming, these cultural mantras of behavior and thought that we're and asking ourselves these questions, that we're not spending the time to go deeper. And the way to go deeper is to ask better questions. And what you said of asking yourself that question, these five aspects, is wonderful.

Speaker 1:

You wake up in the morning and go oh my God, I have to do this and that today. Wait a second. You just ask yourself a bad question what do I have to do today? But what hard thing do I have to do today? What if you stopped, instead of having that reaction? That answer is to a question. You change a question and say what you said. How can I enlighten my partner today? I know I have a tough day, but what's the one thing I could do in the five minutes or the 20 minutes we have before the morning breakfast just to lighten my partner up? Your brain will find the answer and that will create a more impactful day.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I love that so much, so I've been wanting to ask you this question what are we missing when it comes to relationships these days?

Speaker 1:

Consciousness, gratitude, intention. We need to be more conscientious and be more gradually the relationships that we have, by being aware that we need to put a little more effort into them, and it's not that because the payoff can be that much more, because the payoff can be so much more.

Speaker 2:

I love that. I love that. Okay, so, Topaz, I asked this to all of my guests that come on my podcast. But if you had the undivided attention of all the couples in all the world for just a few minutes, what's the very best advice you could give them about deepening their relationship through important conversations and asking good questions?

Speaker 1:

We don't need to have conversations that have answers. We don't need to have answers. We don't even need to have a conversation. What we need to do is sit in the space together and ask the questions. We don't need to answer them. When you play the end, one of the rules is you don't need to answer any question you don't want. It's actually not necessary.

Speaker 1:

What is necessary is that we ask the question and that we sit in the space together, because what's fundamental in a relationship, in my opinion, is that we hold the space for each other, even in discomfort.

Speaker 1:

And when we go to therapy which could be very helpful or when we go to therapy, the therapist is holding the space and the therapist is asking the questions. So then, when we go back home, in our normal lives, we don't necessarily not as practice, at holding the space for each other and asking the questions, and this book and this offering is here's an experience. I'm not replacing it for therapy, by no means. What I'm saying is another practice, an important practice of learning how to ride the bike yourself, and by riding the bike I mean holding the space for each other, is being there and asking the question, and if you don't talk about it. Your minds, each of your individual minds, are thinking about what is my answer to the question? What is their answer to the question? We're all doing this in our heads, right Even when we say, oh, let's talk about it later or let's just sit in silence and ask the questions and sit in each other's presence and just practice holding the space for each other, because that's what creates resilient, vibrant, fulfilling relationships, in my opinion.

Speaker 2:

Awesome. Thank you so much for your time today. It's been really fun to chat with you and get to know you better. Tell the listeners where they can find you and learn more and get your book.

Speaker 1:

The book is available on hardcover, ebook and audiobook. Anywhere you get your books, so you know it's everywhere and to find out more information about me and my team and what we do, go to theskindeepcom, and our social media tags are all theskindeep, so that's where we're all at and we really appreciate. I really appreciate. I want to tell you, creating a space and a platform for me to share the book and in this information with everyone. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, thank you so much as well. If you had as much fun as we did just now, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite podcast player and leave a rating and review for the show or share it on social media. That's how other people can find this awesome content and we can spread the message that happily ever after is possible. Feel free to check out my website, monnecatannercom to find out more ways you can work with me and, as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. We'll see you next week.