My 5-Step Framework for Overcoming Intimacy Death Traps

Ready to become the author of your own love story?

In this week's episode, I tackle the dreaded 'intimacy death traps,' dissecting the root causes that lead to disconnection and providing a comprehensive 5-step framework to navigate your way back to a fulfilling partnership. 

This isn't your run-of-the-mill relationship advice; it's a deep dive into taking responsibility, fostering judgment-free communication, and why initiating change can be your romantic game-changer.

 I'll be guiding you through the intricacies of assuming responsibility for the passion that's slipped through the cracks and how a simple shift towards curiosity and acceptance can transform your relationship dynamics. 

Discover the 'cheat code' to involving a third party in rebuilding intimacy, and learn why expressing love without restraint could be your ticket out of complacency. 

This episode isn't just about falling back into love—it's about creating a love that's going to grow, no matter how many anniversaries you've celebrated. Join me on this intimate journey towards happily ever after.

Download my FREE resourse with 51 questions to ask you spouse to get to know them better HERE --> https://monicatanner.com/51questions

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I want you to repeat after me when I know better, I do better. Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely love to be together and the ones who merely tolerate each other in their old age? Hi, I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to four kids, relationship coach and intimacy expert. My goal with this podcast is to help you and your partner swap resentment for romance, escape the roommate rut and nurture a bond built on trust, communication and unconditional love. Each week, I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep couples madly in love, dedicated and downright giddy about each other from the honeymoon phase to the golden years. I'm on a mission to crack the code of happily ever after, and I'm sharing those juicy secrets right here, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it. Hello and welcome to the secrets of happily ever after podcast.

Speaker 1: 1:02

I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today's episode is a continuation of last week's discussion of intimacy, death traps, or where intimacy goes to die. Now I compiled this list of three pitfalls that we fall into in our relationship from the conversations I have with my clients, as well as the messages I receive from you guys every single day. I want you to know that I read all of these messages and over the years, I have found that there are three big places where couples really, really struggle in the area of creating more intimacy, and those areas are, as we talked about last week number one unrealistic expectations. Number two, what I like to call be state fortresses, or otherwise known as boundaries. And number three is complacency and or avoidance. So you can learn more about these three intimacy death traps by listening to last week's episode, number 270. Now that we got that out of the way, I wanted to give you a very specific and thought out framework for how you can overcome these intimacy death traps, and I want to remind you that, no matter how long you've been married, almost everyone will fall prey at some point in their relationship to one, two or all three of these death traps, and that doesn't necessarily mean that anything has gone wrong. It's actually, in my opinion, the only way to get to more intimacy and connection is to go through some of these challenges. All right. So now that you understand what you're up against, let's talk about how to overcome it.

Speaker 1: 3:13

I've created a five-step framework for how you can get yourself and your spouse out of these intimacy death traps. The first step in this framework is to assume responsibility for the loss of passion in your marriage. Number two is to create a judgment-free zone by embracing curiosity and acceptance without judgment. Number three is to have faith in this process by being vulnerable and willing to be the one who goes first. Number four I'm going to give you a cheat code, which is conjuring somebody else to do the dirty work as you focus on creating more intimacy. And, last but not least, step five committing to expressing your love and freeing yourself from the bounds of these death traps.

Speaker 1: 4:14

All right, so let's talk about each one individually. All right Now? Step one taking responsibility for the loss of passion in your relationship. It's important to understand that no one person is 100% responsible for the loss of passion and physical intimacy in a marriage. It takes two people to get there. However, it's important to reflect on and understand your own role in this loss of passion, no matter what percentage it makes up of that 100%. Now here's something really interesting. Marriage is a dynamic meaning. It takes two people to continue doing exactly what they're doing to keep a relationship dynamic the same, but it only takes one person to change the dynamic. Therefore, in this episode, I want to empower you to be the one that goes first, and in order to do that, you have to be willing to acknowledge, accept and take responsibility for your part in this pickle. So please do not skip this step.

Speaker 1: 5:32

I want you to go back and review last week's episode and think about which of the three intimacy death traps you're currently falling into. You don't need feedback from your spouse to do this, and it certainly isn't an opportunity for you to blame them for this predicament either. I want you to do some real reflection and come up with some ways that you can take personal accountability for some of the things that have gone wrong or are not as strong as you would like them to be in your marriage. Sound good, all right. Once you've done that and you have a good list of the things you're personally taking accountability for, move on to step two, which is creating a judgment free zone. Now, the difference between those who succeeded this and get really good at it versus the ones who quit because it's too hard are the ones that can throw out judgment and just get curious about themselves and the patterns they've created together with their partner. I want you to get curious about yourself and curious about your spouse.

Speaker 1: 6:49

Now, dealing with your own limitation and weaknesses is not for the faint of heart. The first thing you got to commit to is forgiving yourself for your part in the disconnection. I want you to repeat after me when I know better, I do better. It's absolutely pointless to berate yourself for things that have happened in the past. Once you acknowledge them and bring them to your awareness, you can resolve to make the necessary changes to make things better. And the only way you can do this effectively is if you throw out judgment. Being able to move past anger, shame and blame or any other self-defeating cycles is required if you're going to be able to break out of these intimacy death traps. So that's step two.

Speaker 1: 7:47

Moving on to step three, you've got to be willing to be the one that goes first. Remember that having compassion for yourself and for your partner and for your relationship status requires a lot of strength. Remember that vulnerability is not a weakness, and it's the only way you're going to be able to get to deeper and more abiding intimacy is if you can get vulnerable. Have you taken the intimacy level quiz yet? If not, you absolutely should. All you have to do is go to monnecatannercom backslash quiz and take a three minute quiz. At the end, I'll tell you what level of intimacy you and your spouse are at and I'll give you next steps to be able to increase your intimacy. Regardless of what level you're at, you can always make improvements. So do yourself a favor and go to monnecatannercom backslash quiz and learn about your level of intimacy and how to improve it. I want you to believe that your spouse genuinely wants your happiness and be willing to be the one who takes the first steps towards making that happen.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Now, oftentimes, this full process requires the help of a neutral third party like me, who can help you see the things in the dynamics and patterns you've created that you just can't see because you're inside of it. I like to say that you can't see the label from inside the bottle, so hiring somebody who can help you break apart the dynamic and show you your part in it is so extremely valuable If you're going to create something better. If you're interested in working with me, reach out on any platform or by email and let me know, and we can talk about some cost effective and affordable ways to do that. Remember that the sooner you do this the better, because when a relationship is struggling, it's not because one or both partners is bad or there's anything wrong with either one of them. It's just that the pattern or dynamic that you've created in your relationship isn't working for you. The longer you persist in these less than optimal patterns or dynamics, the worse things will get for you, and most of the time, it doesn't take any more than a few sessions with me to help see the pattern and help you find something better, but you have to be willing to acknowledge that you don't like the way things are going and then resolve to do something to shift that. All right, I promised you a cheat code, so step before is to create an alter ego.

Speaker 1: 11:00

Now, alter egos throughout time have allowed characters like Bruce Wayne, peter Parker and Tony Stark to do the things they could never have done themselves. Now we, in our human form, can adopt certain aspects of an alter ego, such as courage, boldness, humility, assertiveness, confidence or even sex appeal, in order to carry out the parts of this process that are messy, uncomfortable, difficult for us. Many times, you can call upon the strength of your alter ego to give you the permission and power to do the things that you wouldn't necessarily do on your own, without judgment. So this is meant to be fun. Choose an alter ego from your favorite spy movie, superhero saga. You can choose a character from your favorite novel or TV show. I've seen people choose ancestors or even make it up completely from scratch. This process is meant to be fun and, as you let yourself go and don't judge yourself so harshly, you're going to be able to come up with a fun way to call upon some strength you need when things are getting difficult. Now my alter ego is Monra, princess of Power and Seduction. She's adapted from Princess Adora, otherwise known as She-Ra, from a popular TV show I used to watch as a child. This character leads a rebellion and knows exactly what to do against all the powers of evil, and whenever I have to do something that's challenging or feels like too much, I call upon Monra and I'm able to do things I otherwise wouldn't be able to do.

Speaker 1: 13:11

Now here is my promise to you Building connection and deepening intimacy takes courage and superhuman strength. The process will be imperfect, messy and scary at times. Growth and development requires us to leave our comfort zone and reach for something better. That's why your alter ego is so important In those moments when you'd rather crawl into a rock than reveal yourself and accept what is, or change the dynamics in your relationship that may seem stable but are no longer working for you and your partner. Call on that alter ego. The truth is that you can do it. The strength and courage it takes to become that very best version of yourself, however imperfectly, and allowing your spouse to do the same, is already within you. You're just pulling it out and giving it an identity, so you can call upon it when you need that strength. Don't overthink it.

Speaker 1: 14:16

And finally, the last step in this framework, set yourself free. Give yourself the permission to become the catalyst to reignite the passion and intimacy in your marriage. I want to encourage you to transform yourself, purely by choice, into a sexy and confident person capable of creating the relationship that you want and deserve. You may be the one in your relationship who wants more intimacy, or you may be the one who wants less intimacy. Either way, start by giving yourself permission to take back the ownership of your marriage and enjoy the process of doing so. This five-step process will work in almost every aspect of your relationship. This is how you can focus on what you have control over in the relationship and stop trying to control the actions of your spouse. So, whether your spouse is interested in this process or not, I want you to feel empowered to make the necessary changes to start creating the relationship that you really desire Now.

Speaker 1: 15:49

If you have any questions about this process, please feel free to reach out to me. My email is monniemoni at secretsofhappilyeveraftercom. You can also find me on every social media platform. I would love to personally help you walk through this process to overcome these intimacy death traps and create your happily ever after love story, the one you want to be remembered for and the one you want to pass down to your children. I know you can do it. I'm rooting for you every step of your life and for you every step of the way. And until next week, happy marriageing. If you had as much fun as we did just now, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite podcast player and leave a rating and review for the show or share it on social media. That's how other people can find this awesome content and we can spread the message that happily ever after is possible. Feel free to check out my website, monniemonicatannercom, to find out more ways you can work with me and, as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. We'll see you next week.