Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

Warning: Don't Wait Another Minute to Prioritize Your Marriage

• Monica Tanner • Season 3 • Episode 266

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How many times have you said something like, we'll work on our marriage when... the kids get a little older, our business is more successful or we have more money/time? 

I'm here to share why this approach may cost you more than you think. This heartfelt episode peels back the layers on the myth that there's a "right time" to focus on your spouse and kids, revealing how this mindset can lead to emotional disconnection and even conflict. 

I'm offering practical strategies to ensure your marriage thrives no matter what stage of child-rearing, business or financial stability you are in.  Discover how to intertwine a relationship-first philosophy into your busy schedule, avoiding the pitfalls that many ambitious parents or entrepreneurs fall into.

It's all about action – realigning your daily priorities to put your marriage and family front and center.  We'll talk about gratitude practices, the magic of date nights, and the irreplaceable value of quality time with your family. And for those who find striking this balance challenging, I open up about how professional help, like the services I provide, can revolutionize your relationships. 

Tune in for a powerful reminder that your greatest achievements should never come at the cost of the relationships that mean the most.

Speaker 1:

I want to caution you against thinking that you're going to start working on your relationship when, dot dot dot.

Speaker 1:

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely love to be together and the ones who merely tolerate each other in their old age? Hi, I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to four kids, relationship coach and intimacy expert. My goal with this podcast is to help you and your partner swap resentment for romance, escape the roommate rut and nurture a bond built on trust, communication and unconditional love. Each week, I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep couples madly in love, dedicated and downright giddy about each other, from the honeymoon phase to the golden years. I'm on a mission to crack the code of happily ever after, and I'm sharing those juicy secrets right here, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it. Hello and welcome to the secrets of happily ever after podcast.

Speaker 1:

I'm your host, monica Tanner, and today I want to talk about a topic that really has hit me in the last little bit, and the reason why I feel so strongly about this right now is I was recently at a conference for married entrepreneurs and there was a speaker at the conference and one of the points that they made was that there's different times to prioritize different things. And so he talked about how they had had a year where they just had a lot of fun with their family and their kids and took a lot of vacations and did all the things, and this year they had decided together that they weren't going to do any of that, that they weren't going to prioritize their family as much and they were going to really work on growing and scaling this business. And while I don't want to like pick apart what they were saying, the advice that they were giving to the other entrepreneurial couples in the room really took me aback, because I have found in my years of working with especially entrepreneurial couples and, I will say, high achieving entrepreneurial couples that telling them to de prioritize their relationship and their family life in order to put more of a priority on their business as just a blanket statement is probably the worst advice I've ever heard. Now, one of the reasons I feel so strongly about this is because I have seen over and over and over again couples in distress come to me and want help because their relationship was really, really rocky and they were almost looking for a lifeline and digging into their relationship and their connection. I always ask questions like are you going on date night, are you making time for each other? Are you listening to each other or dreaming together and oftentimes the couples in most distress will give me some variation of. Well, we will prioritize our relationship more when fill in the blank, I'll say when our kids are older or when we reach some sort of milestone in our business, or when we reach some sort of financial threshold, then we'll have more time, more energy and more resources to put towards our relationship.

Speaker 1:

And that right there, my friends, is the biggest problem. It's this underlying notion that a more successful business or more money or even our children getting older or all of a sudden going to magically make room for us to then prioritize the relationship. It's of the time when fill in the blank is too late, and so in today's episode, I want to caution you against thinking that you're going to start working on your relationship when dot dot dot. I want to caution you about some of the dangers of that type of mentality, as well as give you some good steps to take If you find yourself thinking that, if you find yourself thinking life is just really busy and chaotic right now. Our kids are too young. We're growing our business, there's all of these other things. I want to give you some ideas to shift that thinking and some actionable steps that you can take to rewind that into thinking my marriage is the priority now and if I'm prioritizing my marriage first, then we're going to naturally be better. Parents will naturally be modeling what we really want to give to our children and the success of our business will come when our priorities are aligned Now. I really, really, really want to drive this point home by saying I have seen time and time again when a couple has their priorities straight, when they truly are prioritizing with their relationship, when they're more in sync and have a unified vision that they're working towards together, prioritizing their relationship first, success will come. Wealth will come.

Speaker 1:

People want to do business with people they want to be like. If your actions are not a reflection of your priorities, then the people you want to do business with whether they are your employees or potential clients or other people you might do business with they will be able to sense that something's off. So of course, I want you to have your priorities correct, because it benefits you, because research shows that those in a happy, thriving, healthy relationship actually have better emotional health, better mental health, better physical health, are more successful and creative. And I think, if you think about that long enough, it makes sense, because when there is stress and strain on your relationship, it's like having apps open on your phone. So my teenage kids grab my phone and they're always like Mom, why do you have all these apps open? And they start swiping out of all the apps and then all of a sudden my phone starts working better. And it's because when you have all of those tabs open in the background, they're draining energy from what you could potentially be accomplishing, from your creativity in your business, from your problem solving abilities and parenting.

Speaker 1:

You want to be drawing strength from your connection with your significant other, because the risks of neglecting your marriage are number one emotional disconnection. Over time, couples who don't prioritize each other and the relationship they become like roommates. They start to feel lonely. There's a natural drift that just happens when you're not consciously aware of how your partner feels in certain situations and then resentment starts to build up. You stop asking for the things that you need, you stop looking to your partner for support, there's decreased communication and naturally, this will lead to increased conflict, bad feelings towards each other, the presence of John Gottman's four horsemen, which are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and ultimately, a loss of intimacy, which, I will tell you, most people who come to see me are looking for more emotional or physical or sexual intimacy, and those things don't come.

Speaker 1:

When you're not prioritizing your relationship above the other things that are fighting for your attention, when you're not experiencing the connection and intimacy that we all long for as humans, naturally your stress and anxiety levels go up. You're not as effective as parents, not only because your ability to problem solve goes down, but also you're not modeling for your children One of the most successful skillsets that you could ever give them, which is to put your marriage first. I know this is perhaps an unpopular opinion, but no amount of money or material possessions or business success or fame and fortune are going to make up for a lack of connection with your spouse and with your children. So if you're telling yourself that you're going to be more present when your business is more successful or when you make more money or when your kids are just a little bit older, you're robbing yourself and your loved ones of what they need the most, which is your time, your presence and your priority. So I want to give you three actionable tips If you're feeling like perhaps you're falling into this camp of someone who's thinking I know, my family is really important.

Speaker 1:

I say my family is really important, but I'm definitely prioritizing something over my marriage and my family. Number one, my number one tip is to put your phone down. Be aware, present and in the moment when you're with your family, when you're driving in the car with your spouse, when you're lying in bed together, when your kid is showing you that silly trick that they do with their mouth that you've seen for the 450th time. Put your phone down. Look them in the eyes. Listen to the things that they feel are important. Ask them questions about things that are meaningful to them. Show them they are more important than whatever it is that feels urgent on your phone. Make sure that you're giving the people in your family at least 20 minutes of your undivided attention every day. Make sure you're taking your sweetheart on weekly dates where you do not get distracted by your phone. I guarantee if you'll experiment with this for even just a few weeks, you will notice the difference in the connection that you feel to the ones closest to you. So, number one, put down your phone. How you taking the intimacy level quiz yet If not, you absolutely should. All you have to do is go to Monica Tanner dot com backslash quiz and take a three minute quiz. At the end I'll tell you what level of intimacy you and your spouse are at and I'll give you next steps to be able to increase your intimacy. Regardless of what level you're at, you can always make improvements. So do yourself a favor and go to Monica Tanner dot com backslash quiz and learn about your level of intimacy and how to improve it.

Speaker 1:

Number two set clear priorities and test them. What, or who is on your to do list? What, or who is on your calendar? An easy way to check if you're prioritizing your spouse, your family, above other things is how much real estate do they get on your to do list or your calendar? Are you making an effort? Do the people who mean the most to you know that you think about them, that you care about them, that you want to listen to them? One of the ways that I kind of check in with myself when my priorities may seem a little blurred, is I do a gratitude practice. In the morning I think about the things that I'm grateful for, and if my spouse and my children don't come really really high on that list of gratitudes, then I know my priorities are not in alignment. And I do something similar when I go to bed. I kind of replay the day and I think about how I spent my time and did I connect with each of the people that I care about, and is there something I can do to prepare myself for the next day, to show my spouse and my kids how much they mean to me? So that's number two set clear priorities. Number three this is a big one. You hear it from me all the time Are you going on dates with your sweetheart once a week?

Speaker 1:

Three hours doesn't have to be expensive, elaborate or far from home, just intentional. Are you putting your partner on your calendar and are you designating specific spaces for family time? There's lots of ways to do this. You can go on individual dates with each of your kids, you can have family dinners. There's all kinds of ways, but are you blocking it out and making it happen?

Speaker 1:

Number four is to show mutual support and understanding. Now, this means even if your partner has hobbies or a career or something that's absolutely separate from you. Are you able to support that? Are you able to show interest and curiosity about the things that are important to them? Are you regularly asking them how you can support them in getting a long time and getting time with friends, supporting their interests and their aspirations? You don't necessarily need to be together to be prioritizing your partner.

Speaker 1:

And, last but not least, I would invite you, if you're having trouble actually putting this into practice, if you feel like you need to push harder and grind more until you get to a certain space, and then you'll have time for the things that you claim are most important I would invite you to seek professional help from a counselor who can help hold you accountable. Now, I personally have all different ways in which I can help you with this that are in all different price points. My monthly passionate marriage club membership offers accountability and skill sets for a very affordable price, where you can be around other couples who have similar goals and are making similar choices in their priorities. And I also offer couples coaching, which is more hands on, more accountability and more exploration into the patterns that are keeping you stuck. So if you're interested in learning more about either of these things. Please reach out to me on any social media platform or email me at monnie at secretsofhappilyeveraftercom.

Speaker 1:

So, in conclusion, I just want to warn you against gurus or coaches or mentors who are out there telling you that you should be putting everything to the side in order to grow your business or become more successful. Because if you are listening to this podcast, I assume that you're married, I assume that you have a family and I assume that you're here because you're looking for more connection and intimacy in your marriage. And so I just want to leave you with the admonition that if you're not prioritizing your marriage now, I promise you will not magically all of a sudden start prioritizing your marriage when. So start with those five things. Number one put your phone down. Number two prioritize your partner. Number three make sure you're going out on dates. That's how you keep that fun, playful, flirty, exciting energy in your partnership. Number four support each other's hobbies, careers and aspirations. And number five put yourself around other couples who have the same priorities as you do, who understand that no amount of money and no amount of success is ever going to compensate for failure to prioritize your most important priorities.

Speaker 1:

Again, if you're looking for a little more support, make sure you reach out to me. Let's get you on the calendar and let's find out what's getting in the way of that intimate friendship and passionate partnership that you could be enjoying. That's it for now, but I will see you same time, same place next week and, until then, happy marriageing. If you had as much fun as we did just now, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite podcast player and leave a rating and review for the show or share it on social media. That's how other people can find this awesome content. We can spread the message that happily ever after is possible. Feel free to check out my website, monnecatannercom, to find out more ways you can work with me and, as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. We'll see you next week.