Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

How to Communicate Your Expectations Better with Greg and Rachel Denning

• Monica Tanner, Greg Denning, Rachel Denning • Season 3 • Episode 263

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Ever found yourself let down after a holiday or special occasion? You're not alone. 

In this epsiode, I'm chatting with my friends Greg and Rachel Denning of Extraordinary Family Life. Together, we confront the perils of high expectations that holidays like Valentine's Day and anniversaries can bring. 

We talk about how communication acts as the cornerstone of a thriving relationship. We share personal stories to illustrate the power of planning and mutual effort in nurturing the bond between partners. It's about creating joy together and, perhaps more importantly, managing it so the mental load doesn't diminish the happiness you deserve.

Lastly, we delve into the concept of 'relationship bank accounts,' emphasizing the significance of individual wholeness in marriage.  I share insights from my coaching experiences that can transform not just your relationship but also model a healthy, thriving partnership for your children. 

Check out this interview that promises to inject new vitality into your marital connection, leaving you equipped to create a more extraordinary family life.

Speaker 1:

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely love to be together and the ones who merely tolerate each other in their old age? Hi, I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to four kids, relationship coach and intimacy expert. My goal with this podcast is to help you and your partner swap resentment for romance, escape the roommate rut and nurture a bond built on trust, communication and unconditional love. Each week, I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep couples madly in love, dedicated and downright giddy about each other from the honeymoon phase to the golden years. I'm on a mission to crack the code of happily ever after, and I'm sharing those juicy secrets right here, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it. Hey, hey, and welcome to the secrets of happily ever after podcast.

Speaker 1:

I'm your host, monica Tanner, and I'm super excited to republish a super popular episode from a couple of years ago with my friends, greg and Rachel Denning, of Extraordinary Family Life. In this episode, we talk a lot about expectations and how those can be dangerous, especially around certain holidays like Valentine's Day, mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, etc. I hope that you are all having a wonderful day today and, without further ado, here is this week's episode. I am super duper, duper excited for my guests today. If you're a longtime listener, you've heard these guys before. They are absolutely some of my favorite family leadership experts. Married over 20 years. Seven children have traveled to correct me if I'm wrong 35 countries, 38, he's been the all 38 that I've been.

Speaker 1:

Seriously one of the funnest families I know. Greg and Rachel Denning of Extraordinary Family Life. How are you guys doing?

Speaker 3:

Oh, so good and so excited to be here. This is awesome.

Speaker 1:

Well, this is super fun. I am excited, even though everybody, kind of like got excited about all of their goals. Some of the excitement is wearing off and we're also staring down the barrel of Valentine's Day.

Speaker 3:

I love that Staring down the barrel is the perfect way to describe that.

Speaker 1:

Let's just chat about expectations, Shall we? I feel like what a perfect time to just talk about expectations expectations for life, expectations for goals, expectations for love and marriage. What are your thoughts?

Speaker 3:

This is. This started maybe like 15 years ago. I started really deep diving into psychology and, like work patterns and school patterns, I came across the most random, interesting thing. It wasn't something I was looking for and it said that February is like the most depressed month of the year across the board, like workers, students, everywhere. It's like you get Christmas and New Year's and like starting a year, let's go. And then you get into February and they said what's interesting also is like I'm thinking somewhere around 80 to 90% of people have already dropped their New Year's resolutions by February 1st.

Speaker 2:

And the.

Speaker 3:

February. You know, if you're up in this hemisphere it's dark and cold and you're just like, okay, are we still in winter? And you're like, yeah, we got a long haul and so it's really interesting. You come through all of the holidays, all the hype and stuff, and then back into it, and then February.

Speaker 2:

And so then you have Valentine's, which if your relationship, if you have a relationship or you don't- have a relationship. And it's not going perfectly. It can be depressing.

Speaker 3:

Or Valentine's doesn't turn out perfectly Exactly, and so you can stack a lot against your relationship.

Speaker 2:

Well, and I wanted to share the story that I find so fascinating. That goes along with illustrating expectations, and it was when we started traveling. It was our very first international travel experience as a family. We had four children under the age of four, oh my God and we were driving from Utah to Costa Rica and our very first stop was in Mexico and we'd crossed the border and it was a terrifying experience because we'd never crossed an international border before and frightening. But we got into Mexico and we're like, oh my gosh, it's not so bad and we wanted to go stay at a beach town and we drove. Actually, the second night, the first night, we drove towards the beach. This was before Google Maps, this was before blogs, this was before Instagram. Like, we didn't know, we didn't know any of yourself here, rachel, I know.

Speaker 3:

It's so crazy.

Speaker 2:

But this is how long we've been traveling and we drive to this coastal town to look for a beach, and it was a fishing village, and so it was like all these old boats and all these old rundown houses, and I was still just appointed.

Speaker 1:

Not the sandy white beaches that you think of.

Speaker 2:

Okay, exactly. So. The next day we finally got to a beach town and I had envisioned in my mind these white sandy beaches.

Speaker 1:

Oh right.

Speaker 2:

I pictured white sandy beaches. We get there late. We stayed this nice hotel. In the morning I get out and I go running by myself and I go out to the beach and it's a black rocky beach and I was so disappointed and I've remembered that ever since because really it was a great place. It was a great town, it had this nice yacht community. It was like a really nice place. But the biggest reason I was disappointed is because in my mind I'd expected white sandy beaches.

Speaker 1:

I was expecting it for you from your story, exactly.

Speaker 2:

Right, and so for the. You know since that time I've constantly use that as a reminder to myself that sometimes when I'm disappointed by about something, it's just because I had different expectations. If I'd gone to that beach town knowing what it would be like, or if I'd gone not expecting anything, I would have been fine with that beach town.

Speaker 2:

There was water there was seashells, there was, you know, boats. It was cool, but it was my misaligned expectations that caused my disappointment. And so I think, especially in relationships, especially with things like all kinds of holidays it could be Mother's Day, it could be our anniversary, it could be Valentine's Day when we have these certain expectations about how we want it to be, we just end up being disappointed. Now, one thing you can learn to communicate what you want and what you expect and what you would like. But then the other side is letting go of those expectations and just accepting what is. And if you want something different like, maybe that's your job to make it the way you would like it to be it's okay to want white sandy beaches. You just better find out where those beaches are and actually go there right, and not expect them to be wherever you are. You have to take that initiative to create what it is you actually want.

Speaker 1:

I love that. What do you have to add, greg, because I think you probably have a lot to add to the part of making it happen, right?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, well, and I just had this thought like we've heard we get a chance to work with lots of awesome couples and just great people. And we've heard and Rachel and I went through the same thing and we've heard from a lot of couples of women wives who are hinting and they're like, well, I hinted that I hinted what I want, and husbands were like I didn't touch anything. She's like well, I did this and I was like that was a hint.

Speaker 1:

We need to have a tagline for something Husbands don't get hints.

Speaker 3:

Yes, it's true. And I've talked to other guys and they're like, yeah, I didn't know. And wives are like are you kidding me? I was like hinting the whole time. You're like that's not a hint, it was this, it's this difference between men and women. And so I know some. Some wives are like, well, I gave him the hints, I gave him the expectations.

Speaker 1:

He's like left it open on the browser, like how much right, I didn't catch anything, and maybe that's to our fault.

Speaker 3:

With the guys here we're rolling along like doot, doot, doot, like didn't see any of that stuff, and so it's almost. It almost feels like weird or awkward to communicate expectations. But once we learn how to gain that dynamic of hey babe and it's not like I'm over here doing something she's like hey babe, wouldn't it be great to take a trip? Yeah, sure, yeah, no nice stuff, it's like sweetheart, it would be for for Valentine's Day?

Speaker 2:

I would like to go out to a very nice restaurant, just you and me, and then have some chocolate and some roses.

Speaker 3:

Nice.

Speaker 1:

Now you're like, brings up a really good point, like what you guys just illustrated right there, because there's a difference between hinting at what you would like and asking for what you like. And I think what happens there is people think, oh, it doesn't, it won't count as much. Yeah, if I have to tell it.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, I think especially, very often women feel that if I have to tell him what I want, then it doesn't count. Yes, and the reality is yes, it counts, because, guess what? He will actually do it. And he'll do it because he loves it and you've made it less difficult for him, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and the beautiful thing is that I was going to say it's not that men don't get hints, it's just that you have to train them how to get those hints. And so you start out especially you have to start out being very clear. This is what I would like. These are the things I like. These are the things I don't like. Like if you hate flowers, I'm telling them you hate getting flowers, you know.

Speaker 3:

Because a man's first thought usually is I should stop and get flowers. Yeah, and you're like I'm done with your flowers already.

Speaker 2:

So you have to be very clear and say oh, that's very sweet, I appreciate that, but actually I really don't like flowers, I prefer chocolate or I prefer jewelry, I prefer a movie, I prefer whatever it is Like. Let them know, and then it's easier for them to pick up on the hints when they know some of what those things are. Right, I think that we just kind of have to get over that idea of that it doesn't count if we tell them, because part of being in a long-term relationship with someone is learning how to tell them what you like and what you don't like. And if you can't do that, back to this idea of expectations and this foundation that you're building on, the foundation is off If you can't start with the basics of saying I like these things, I don't like these things.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I got to chime in another one here that I think is totally related on the men's side. So I can totally see how a woman's might think look, if I have to tell them exactly what I want, it doesn't count. But you know, I'm not a mind reader, I'm not good at guessing. The same thing kind of happened when we were so busy and I was getting frustrated because I wanted to have sex more and I'm so swamped and she's like, let's schedule it, and my first thought was, uh, it doesn't count when it's scheduled.

Speaker 2:

And.

Speaker 3:

I've talked to other couples about this. They're like so busy, like schedule it in scheduled sex. That sounds so lame, Like no man. It still counts, you can still make it great, but what you're doing is you're communicating and you're making space.

Speaker 2:

You're making space for a priority. If something is a priority to you sex, or Valentine's Day or your anniversary you have to communicate that to each other and you have to schedule it. You have to make time for it to let each other know what it is you want.

Speaker 1:

How you taking the intimacy level quiz. Yet If not, you absolutely should. All you have to do is go to monnecatannercom backslash quiz and take a three minute quiz. At the end I'll tell you what level of intimacy you and your spouse are at and I'll give you next steps to be able to increase your intimacy. Regardless of what level you're at, you can always make improvements. So do yourself a favor and go to monnecatannercom backslash quiz and learn about your level of intimacy and how to improve it.

Speaker 1:

I love that so much. And you know what else? Because I think a lot in terms of energy, right, because, like I think as a busy like you're a busy mommy of seven kids I have four, right, and three of them are teenagers. So I feel really busy all the time. Right, and I feel like, more than physically what I'm doing, it's the mental load of like all of those things right, and women have a difficult time compartmentalizing things, right.

Speaker 1:

Like I'm like thinking about all of the things that have to be done with the children and the household and my business, and all of the things right, and so if I can take the energy out of thinking like something about being intimate or whatever, then it's like so much easier to just be there and enjoy it, like, oh, this is the time set aside for this and I can just. I can prepare myself if I need to. I can just be in the moment. I know that that's what this is for, and I think that goes the other way for, like, setting expectations for holidays and things like that. If you've expended so much energy trying to guess what your partner wants you, all of that energy is now gone. When, if you can just communicate your expectations in a way that now you can spend your energy on fulfilling those expectations.

Speaker 3:

Oh yes.

Speaker 2:

Exactly yes, fulfilling it and then just looking forward to it and enjoying it.

Speaker 3:

And knowing you're going to get it right. Yeah, so you don't have to spend all the energy hoping I do it. I don't spend all the energy trying to guess we communicate and then lean in to make it really special.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that, I think, is the ding, ding, ding. Right, it's like you're taking all the guesswork out of it, you're taking all the opportunities for massive failure out of it, and then you can just focus your energy on just being there and enjoying it Absolutely.

Speaker 3:

And looking forward to it. Rachel and I, you know, we celebrated. We're coming up on 21 years, yes, and we keep celebrating bigger and bigger ways. It was what a cup it was. Two years ago, we went to Thailand for Valentine's and on Valentine's we had our Valentine's dinner at the Ritz-Carlton there in Krabi, and we all knew that's what was going to happen, right, but that doesn't take away from the awesomeness of looking forward to that and then being there on the beach in Krabi, thailand, at the Ritz-Carlton, going. This is a sweet Valentine's.

Speaker 2:

Now and to tie into this theme, I guess that was a trip I planned. We lead couples trips. We invited couples to go with us on that trip. It was a couples workshop experience. I planned the whole thing. I plan going to the Ritz-Carlton. It was amazing and I didn't feel like, oh, greg's a bad husband because he didn't plan that Right. I planned it and I enjoyed it and he enjoyed it and he does nice, the same nice things for me too.

Speaker 2:

He plans these experiences, these opportunities, and it doesn't take away from it because one or the other plans it or doesn't plan it. It's something that we get to enjoy together because one of us has the idea of I'd like to do this, let's do it. Yes, I love it. It's just getting clear on what would excite you, what would bring fulfillment, what would be meaningful, what would be fun, and then working to make that happen and sharing that with your spouse, because it doesn't have to.

Speaker 2:

I think when we look to our spouses to make us happy instead of us looking for things that excite us and make us happy and then creating that together, that's when we fall into these negative patterns and these depressing holidays, when, because we're looking to our spouse to be the source of our happiness.

Speaker 2:

So, to develop this theme a little more of because we want to talk about these expectations, these misaligned expectations, because that's, I think, where many couples have issues. They have issues and it's not just in the holidays, it's in the day-to-day interactions, it's in the with the kids, it's in the bills, it's with date nights, it's with sex, it's with all of that, everything that's involved in marriage. We have these misaligned expectations and it comes from not being open about communicating, and I'd love to let you we were talking about before with this idea of if you have something planned on the calendar, scheduled, routine, systemized, it takes away some of that stress and worry and energy of trying to decide all the time what you're going to do and when you're going to do it and all these different things. You know you're looking forward to it now and that energy goes into creating it and enjoying it, and that just comes from having understanding about each other and what it is that we need as men, as women, as a couple, and then how to best work together to fulfill that.

Speaker 3:

Right, and so that's where he's going to jump in, because there's this you can pull off the holiday, right? Say whatever holiday, or birthday, anniversary or Valentine's you can pull that off and it can be fantastic. We've experienced I'm sure other couples have experienced even if the holiday you pull it off, it's done masterfully. If there's a deficit in what we could, maybe we could call the relationship bank account, if there's been too many withdrawals or deficits overdrawn, that seems to be like the big gorilla in the room that nobody's talking about. Like, okay, this event is really great, valentine's is really special, but you still have been XYZ all year or you haven't been doing ABC and it's still. It's a void and it might be individual, might be me filling the void or Rachel filling the void, or towards each other, right.

Speaker 3:

Feeling, not feeling, yeah feeling the void, and so we need to fill the void and get to the spot of wholeness Right, and this is why this is why I did the whole worship, after working with the thousands of men across five continents is piecing together these things that every man needs so that he can show up in the marriage not just on Valentine's, not just anniversary, not just birthday. I can't check those three days and be like, yeah, this year's going great. It's like I have to be whole enough to really be there and I think everyone can. This will click for us all. It's like when she shows up as her whole self, I show up as whole self and then we plan it together. It's off the charts.

Speaker 1:

I want to talk about this idea for a little bit, because I love this and both of you alluded to it. I just want to dig in deep real quick for a second here, because I think this is the source of greatest pain in relationships period, from what I've seen and in the couples that I've worked with, is this idea that when we get married, we are somehow part of a whole. We're just part of the whole, and so what happens is spouses spend so much energy. We're going to go with that energy hoping and wishing and expecting this other person to fulfill whatever is missing from the part of me that I have now given to the marriage.

Speaker 1:

Right, and that does not work out very well when you have a marriage that's created on the basis of I have holes and you have holes and like now, let's see if I can get my spouse to fill my holes, when in reality, we can create the most extraordinary to use your word, extraordinary family life. If my focus is how do I fill my holes? What do I want, what do I need, and then we can come to the marriage and communicate that and then, instead of expecting our spouse to fill those holes, instead our spouse can show up and support us as we fill our own holes. Right, I show up whole, you show up whole. And now we can create this extraordinary life together and instead of you filling my holes and me filling your holes, it's my responsibility to fill my holes and I can talk to you about it and I can get support from you with it, and we can create together an atmosphere, an environment, a home life where both of us are getting our holes filled, but by ourselves, not by each other.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you articulated that so beautifully and that is exactly how it works, Because I feel that when we come because we all come with holes- we all come with holes Like let's just like blanket statement.

Speaker 2:

we all come with holes, yes, and so when we come to this relationship looking for our spouse to fill those holes, that's when we end up having less than desirable relationships.

Speaker 2:

Right, we spend most of our time actually poking at each other's holes is what ends up happening, cause we're trying to fill it but we miss, and so we hit something and we make another hole. You know, we first, yes, and so we spend a lot of our time doing that, where, if we look to ourselves and we look to making ourselves whole, then we come as whole people as we can, yes, and we're prepared, yeah, as whole as we can be. And we're prepared and we're ready to work together, to focus on creating our extraordinary family, like we have more power to face forward together. And instead of looking at each other and like, how can we be happy, how can I make you happy, how can you make me happy, we're like, okay, we're working on making ourselves happy. What can we create in this world together? What legacy can we leave? What difference can we make? There's way more power there when you take that approach. I love how you articulated that.

Speaker 1:

And how beautifully you said that Like. That is what I tell people is the greatest gift you can give your children is to create an extraordinary the way you put it, intimate the way I put it marriage. It's absolutely the greatest gift you can give your children, who are going to have holes. No matter how perfect you are, no matter how great you show up as a parent, your kids are gonna have holes. That's part of the human existence, right? But if you can model for them a healthy, thriving relationship where you have two people working to fill their holes and creating this beautiful life together, then you've given your children the ability to now grow up and find that same it's gonna look different, but it's that same opportunity to now, in a marriage, fill their holes and become whole and become whole, which is what we all want, right Is to finish out life whole and together. I love that.

Speaker 3:

The challenge here which again is a major opportunity is that few people regularly practice enough awareness to really look at themselves individually. And so if I were to take me for an example, and let's say my mom did something and that was she was did this thing for me. So now I come to the marriage expecting Rachel to do that thing, right or opposite. My mom did not do something and so I consciously come into marriage expecting Rachel to do it right or whatever. So I come in with a hole or a void there. I have to have enough awareness to say wait a minute, this is different, this is attached, that's done.

Speaker 3:

I need to settle that, like you were talking about, on my own. I got to settle these things and figure this out and come into the marriage without conscious or unconscious expectation Again, misaligned expectations right, expecting her to do something that I really need to do for me. And I've got to heal these things and be aware of them and fill some of the voids. And here's the interesting, rachel and I love to talk about this because it's so hard A lot of us come into marriage expecting the marriage to be the safe place where no one's going to make me feel insecure, uncomfortable and, like I can just, be here, maybe validated.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'll be validated.

Speaker 3:

But marriage is actually the perfect place for your spouse to say love you so much, you got to fix that.

Speaker 1:

Right, exactly, here's the holes that you can't see, your own holes, all the time.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes. Well, because in reality, marriage is a laboratory for personal growth and development. You are hitched to someone for life that is going to look at all of your flaws and point them out, and it's meant to be that way. That's on purpose.

Speaker 3:

Again, misaligned expectations. Exactly what Nobody spells you that.

Speaker 2:

And so you have this relationship that is designed to help you become more aware of all of your imperfection and all of your holes, and so, yeah, that is challenging. It is one of those misaligned expectations that you think it's going to be safe and fun and loving, and you love me the way I am forever, and it ends up not being that and so you're miserable. But when you learn that that's what it's like, it actually becomes fun.

Speaker 3:

And it's honestly enjoyable your very best chance to become your very best self.

Speaker 1:

I say that all the time. I love that. It is your best chance of becoming, like living into your purpose and your potential, like becoming the best you could possibly be. That is the design, like the divine design of marriage, right, absolutely. That doesn't mean just kissy selfies. It means like opportunities for healing and growth and development and the hard things right, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3:

So the starting point then, when I went through this, we went through this together. We went through it individually and then together and we help couples or individuals go through it. The starting point then is to get back to like what's the common base? What's the foundation like? What are the basic desires and needs? Right, and there's going to be some uniqueness, it's going to be different for each couple and each individual. I think there's some real common denominators.

Speaker 3:

If you can identify those pieces and say these are the elements that will make you feel calm and confident, respected and some competence, so you actually can wake up and feel really good about yourself and then show up for your spouse and for your kids and be fully present. Because I can't be in my marriage or in my family fully present if I'm constantly in the background of my mind or my spirit, just worrying about something or hurting, or I've got this open wound metaphor right that's still bleeding from my past. I can't be here wholly because I'm still struggling with this, I'm still hurting. So I've got to, like, spend enough time with myself and say, okay, what needs to be healed or adjusted or addressed or made whole, what voids need to be filled, so that then I can show up and not just for Valentine's.

Speaker 3:

Day, but every day. Because it's the everyday behavior in between the special days that really makes the marriage.

Speaker 1:

I love it. It's the small things done often right.

Speaker 3:

If you identify the small things, you and well. Isn't that the sum total of the quality of the relationship?

Speaker 1:

Oh, I feel like that's a tweetable. I don't have Twitter, but I love it so much, so let's kind of. I love this discussion we've been having. I think it's so important, these misaligned expectations and just being able, if nothing else, just to recognize when we're having these misaligned expectations and the havoc that it's wreaking in our relationship. Let's, like, close this out with what is your final word on? You realize you're miserable in your marriage Not miserable, but you realize you're having. You realize you're struggling because maybe you're not voicing your expectations, maybe you're expecting your spouse to do something that maybe you're expecting your spouse to fill those holes and you're not taking responsibility. What is your advice? Like, where should somebody start with assessing these misaligned expectations?

Speaker 3:

Beautiful question. I'll go first.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think we use this word awareness, and maybe we use it too often, but I just feel that it's so powerful because it is really the starting point for any change, whether that's change in yourself or that's change in your marriage or with your parenting. It has to start with awareness, and that's simply paying attention to what is. So, when you start noticing what is and how you feel about it, that's the beginning place, because until you know that, it's like you know, nowadays, it's the Google Maps metaphor If you want to map something on Google Maps, you have to know where you are and then you have to know where you want to go. So awareness helps you to identify where you are on the map and then, once you start doing and that's an ongoing process, I mean really that's a process that never ends, because we're going to be on the map Right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yes, exactly, you're all over the place.

Speaker 2:

But every day of your life you're practicing awareness to notice where you are and what you're doing and what you would change and what you're grateful for. And you know awareness is a key part of life. But once you have some awareness of where you are and you're saying, well, I'm not happy because of this and I feel neglected because of this, you know and you can identify those things. Now you have some idea of where you are. And then the next step is to say, well, where do I want to go? What's my aim, what's my goal? What do I envision as an ideal me? Start with yourself and an ideal relationship, and that becomes the destination. And then, by having where you are and where you want to go, you can start to map that route together.

Speaker 3:

Yes, so beautifully said, and if I can just kind of chime in a little bit from from my perspective, in the coaching. So I get, I get to have the amazing privilege of coaching almost every day. Plus I have my Vee the man master class and tribe where I get to work with just great guys committed to being awesome husbands and fathers and businessmen, leaders and this comes up a lot, obviously right, because marriage is is tricky and complicated and it's tough and one thing that part of the identifying where you are one thing we love. I love to teach him. What I have to talk about is like how, even when it seems so blatantly obvious, it's the other person right. If she would just right so much.

Speaker 3:

I'm like okay, cool, I get that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, well, we, we can work like that's the beginning of the end. Those right exactly.

Speaker 3:

So we take a step back and say is there any possible way you're contributing to this or it's collusion right? Is there any way you're actually participating in creating the very thing you don't want? And it takes. It takes some humility and some self reflection and examination to step back and say, well, look, I thought I was commuting. This happened this morning.

Speaker 3:

Actually, a perfect example. I mean, he was convinced that he had been communicating effectively and I said, yeah, it sounds good, but I wonder if you're using the same word and it might mean different things. And why don't, why don't you ask? And he texted me later. He's like yeah, it was. It was like I said this, she thought I meant this and it was off. Right, it's just totally off.

Speaker 3:

And so I'm like examine how you might be contributing or not contributing enough, how, whatever the circumstance may be, like, what's your part in it?

Speaker 3:

And if, if, I'll stop enough and just be humble and aware enough to say what could I do differently, what could I do better, what could I stop doing, what could I start doing to be really present instead of really unpleasant as we might often be right come home kind of grumpy or whatever. And then I wonder why my kids or my wife feels distance right. So I'm like an exam and me. And then if we dress those little things right there so like you can't draw from an empty well, so I fill my own well first and then I can come and I have something to give and watch how that changes in as short as days or weeks. They create this transformation and, like you said earlier, when you know you're miserable, the marriage is something I call flatlining kind of. If the marriage feels like it's flat, it's lost the spark. Watch how quickly the spark can come back. Yes, even after a long time, flat spark can come back when we start addressing those things and then really showing up more whole.

Speaker 1:

I've seen that happen so many times. When you say that, greg, like the spark comes back, like people start to just live on this flatline right and they that becomes their new normal, but they know they don't like it. And then you just address a few little things and the spark can come back like this oh true which, honestly, that's what I love about what you do like you are a spark maker.

Speaker 3:

You really are, honestly, you're just like we'll do this and this and this and you're like spark, spark, spark yeah, that's that's the work you're doing is bringing back sparks. That they're right there, but in the day to day stuff in between the holidays that can bring back spark, that then, wow, takes the holidays off the charts right, yes, you nailed it.

Speaker 1:

You guys are amazing. Thank you guys so much for your time today. This has really been such an enlightening conversation about the expectations that really trip us up in our otherwise really happy marriage. You know like it's. It's crazy to me because it is such a small shift that can take the flatline to the absolute raging fire of a healthy, thriving marriage. So tell the listeners where they can find you.

Speaker 3:

We have a podcast, extraordinary family podcast, and extraordinary family dot com.

Speaker 1:

You guys can jump over and connect with us there and definitely don't forget to go check out the extraordinary family life podcast with bregan rachel, where they chronicle their amazing life with seven kids, cross countries, all the things. Thank you so much for listening and we'll talk to you same time, same place next week. If you had as much fun as we did just now, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite podcast player and leave a rating and review for the show or share it on social media. That's how other people can find this awesome content. We can spread the message that happily ever after is possible. Feel free to check out my website, monica tanner dot com, to find out more ways you can work with me and, as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. We'll see you next week.