Marriage and Intimacy Tips for Christian Couples: Secrets of Happily Ever After

3 Stinking Thinking Thought Patterns that Keep You Miserable and How to Break Them

• Monica Tanner • Season 3 • Episode 256

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Ever feel like your happiness is being held hostage to someone else's behavior?

You're about to discover how to liberate it.

Today's episode touches on 3 disempowering thought patterns that are making you miserable and how to break them so you can experience more joy and intimacy.

1. The 'if-then' cycle, that pesky thought pattern that tricks us into believing our joy depends on our partners' actions.

2. Say goodbye to the unnoticed sacrifices of the martyr mentality, as we explore strategies to voice your needs and desires without the silent suffering.

3. Stop saying there's no time or energy for connection with your partner.

This episode isn't just about avoiding the common pitfalls—it's a treasure trove of advice for those ready to rekindle the flame and choose love, every single day.

Download 102 Winter Date Night Ideas to help you create fun and seasonal dates even in the busiest seasons --> https://monicatanner.com/winterdates

Check out the exclusive community for couples who are ready to experience more intimacy and connection. It's called the Passionate Marriage Club and you can get all the details here --> https://monicatanner.com/club

Speaker 1:

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between those couples who absolutely love to be together and the ones who merely tolerate each other in their old age? Hi, I'm Monica Tanner, wife to a super hunky man, mom to four kids, relationship coach and intimacy expert. My goal with this podcast is to help you and your partner swap resentment for romance, escape the roommate rut and nurture a bond built on trust, communication and unconditional love. Each week, I'm sharing the secret strategies that keep couples madly in love, dedicated and downright giddy about each other, from the honeymoon phase to the golden years. I'm on a mission to crack the code of happily ever after, and I'm sharing those juicy secrets right here, because an awesome marriage makes life so much sweeter. Let's get to it. Hello and welcome to the secrets of happily ever after podcast.

Speaker 1:

If you're listening in real time, today is the last episode of 2023. And for today's episode, I went back into the archives and I found an episode that I felt like would set you up for success in 2024. In it, I am talking about three thought patterns that, if you believe them, will keep you stuck and miserable, and I tell you exactly how to reverse them. So enjoy this repeat, revamped episode and I will see you in 2024. I'm super excited about our topic today. We're going to be talking about three thought patterns that will keep you stuck and miserable, alright. So for today's episode, I, like I said, I'm going to be talking about three thought patterns.

Speaker 1:

Now, the thing about thought patterns is that they're absolutely optional. Now there are facts and circumstances that are things around us that can't be changed. They're things that nobody's going to fight you on, because they're facts. For example, it's raining outside, or the desk is blue, or my husband has his own business. Those are all facts. They can't really be changed, but thought patterns can be changed, and so the importance of recognizing these thought patterns which is why I'd like to point them out to you is that whenever you're ready to change them, you have absolute power to do that, but you have to be aware of them first, and most people don't realize that they're thinking in a certain way, and it creates behaviors in their life that are not giving them a desired outcome. So I'm going to point these certain thought patterns that I hear all the time.

Speaker 1:

People come to me all the time and they want help with their relationship, and they're thinking in these certain thought patterns and once we start to point them out to people, then they have control. They can be like oh, that's that thought pattern coming up again and they can change them and instead of being stuck and miserable, they can get closer to that happily ever after that they're searching for. So thought pattern number one that is probably keeping you stuck and miserable is what I like to call the if then cycle. So this is very apparent when people start thinking if my spouse would only do this thing or stop doing this other thing, then I could be happy. So if you recognize this, it comes in lots of different forms. You could think if my spouse would stop looking at porn, if my spouse would help around the house more often, if my spouse would take me out on dates, then I could be happy, then I would feel loved, then I would feel much better about my marriage right Now.

Speaker 1:

The problem with this if-then thinking is that A we can't control our partner right, and most people give away their power to be happy or content to forces outside of them and especially other people. We don't want to be giving away our power or control to be happy to other people, because the truth is the only person we have 100% control over is ourselves. We can't ever control our partner. We can't control our children or our best friend or our parents or our teachers or our coworkers we really can't. And so the most miserable people I see are the ones who spend all of their time trying to control how other people show up and behave and they start to think that if these people would only do these certain things, then then they could be happy, or then they could be successful, or then they would feel loved. Right? The problem with that is that we are giving away all our power to that other person or to that something outside of us. Right? If we start making a lot of money, if we get that house or if you know, whatever the thing might be that's outside of our control, then we will be satisfied or happy or successful or whatever that might be. So when you start to think thoughts like my happiness exists outside of me, then I want you to slow down and recognize that you have absolute, 100% control over whether you choose to be happy, regardless of what anyone else, especially your spouse, is doing or not doing. You can be happy in your own circumstances whenever you choose to be, and the reality is, is that you're the only person that gets to control whether or not you're happy or successful or satisfied or have enough, and so when you start to recognize that, then you show up differently in the relationship. You stop waiting for other people to start or stop doing things and you just respond accordingly.

Speaker 1:

Now recently, I went to a popular Facebook group about marriage that I frequent and that there was a question posed If you could change anything about your spouse, what would it be? And there were hundreds and hundreds of answers listed in that Facebook group, and I thought to myself, what a shame. Each and every single person that answered that question is in some form of that. If then cycle, right, they're all focused on what they would like their spouse to change, when what they should be focused on is how they can change and respond differently to whatever the stimulus from their spouse is. So instead of focusing so much attention on I wish I could change this thing about my spouse. If they would just say when my spouse does this, I will respond in this way, so that stinking thinking if then cycle will keep you stuck and miserable. But as soon as you start to recognize that, as soon as you realize that you're thinking. If, then, you can take your power back and just decide I'm going to be happy no matter what my spouse does, and I'm going to allow my spouse to just be 100% who they are and I will be happy regardless. If that means creating boundaries or making requests or anything like that, then absolutely go for it. But stop thinking if they do this or if they stop doing this, then I can be happy, because that's absolutely not true and it's keeping you stuck and miserable, all right.

Speaker 1:

The second thought pattern that's keeping you stuck and miserable is what I call martyr mentality. Now, this one is a big one. That happens especially in my family. I've noticed when my husband and I get in a big argument, it's usually when he is stuck in this sacrifice thinking or martyr mentality. But I see it a lot in my practice with especially wives who feel like they've sacrificed so much so that their husband could go to school or get a certain accolade or build a business or whatever, and they start to think I've sacrificed so much and now I'm getting nothing in return. So it can be like this big general area like that, like I've sacrificed so much and now I'm not, like living out my own dreams. Or it can be in small little areas, like my husband usually will come home and the house is a mess and he'll think what have you done all day I've worked and now I'm coming home and I'm cleaning the house and I'm taking care of the kids and you're doing nothing right? That usually sparks our biggest argument and I call it martyr mentality. So whether it's like overall general in your life, you're not living your dreams and you feel like you've had to sacrifice so much for where you're at, or if it's just in a smaller area of your life, like I'm always the one that has to do this or that and I'm not getting any type of return on it.

Speaker 1:

This often happens when we're talking about sexual intimacy as well. A lot of husbands will come to me and they'll be like I work so hard, I do all of these things. I help around the house, I take care of the kids, I do all the sports and at the end of the day my wife is so tired and never pays any attention to me, like I get that all the time. Or like I said with wives A lot of times I'll get I stayed home with the kids. I've sacrificed my own education and my own dreams, and now I'm really not getting anything in return. So this martyr mentality often will keep us stuck and miserable. So what can we do about it? How you taking the intimacy level quiz? Yet? If not, you absolutely should. All you have to do is go to monocatannercom backslash quiz and take a three minute quiz. At the end, I'll tell you what level of intimacy you and your spouse are at and I'll give you next steps to be able to increase your intimacy. Regardless of what level you're at, you can always make improvements. So do yourself a favor and go to monocatannercom backslash quiz and learn about your level of intimacy and how to improve it.

Speaker 1:

Well, the first thing is, instead of just being the martyr and feeling so bad like you've sacrificed everything, this is a good time to open up a line of communication with your partner and just say hey, these are my requests. I feel like I spend an imbalanced amount of time doing dishes and cleaning up the house and taking care of the kids, and so maybe we could revisit how we've separated these chores out or something, so that maybe it will feel a little bit more balanced. So that's something you could do in the smaller areas. In the bigger areas you can communicate maybe. Like, hey, I feel like for years I've stayed at home with the kids while you went out and got an education and had this career and all the different things, and I would really like to pursue something. But I wouldn't just blanket say that without having a plan.

Speaker 1:

If you've thought about it and you've decided that you have a certain dream like for me, it was to do this marriage coaching, right. Like I realized that I had this dream, that I wanted to start a podcast and write a book and do this marriage coaching, because it was something inside of me that was calling to me. It felt like a calling that I needed to pursue, right. And so I remember when I started talking to my husband about it and sharing with him my dreams and my goals, and the thing about it was is they're not his dreams and goals. Like when I say I wanna speak from stages and I wanna write a book and I wanna be interviewed on podcasts, to him that sounds horrible. He doesn't share those same dreams at all. And the thing is is he doesn't have to share those dreams. He's supportive of me and he loves me, but just because that's my passion doesn't mean it has to be his passion.

Speaker 1:

So don't fall into the trap that if your spouse doesn't get really passionate about what you feel passionate about, it doesn't mean that they love you any less or they're not supportive of you. It just means that they don't share your goals and dreams and the beautiful thing is they don't have to. So don't fall into this martyr mentality that your spouse needs to get really excited about all the things you're excited about and share all your dreams and goals. The beautiful thing about being married and making room in your marriage for both of you, thus creating an intimate friendship, is that you can have goals and dreams that are separate and apart from their goals and dreams, and you can share those dreams with each other, support each other, but you don't have to actually get real passionate and excited about their dreams and goals. That's actually what adds a lot of passion and character and fun to a marriage is when each of you has separate dreams that you can share with each other but not expect the other to share. Does that make sense? So martyr mentality never works out very well.

Speaker 1:

So if you feel yourself thinking, oh, I'm sacrificing so much for this relationship. I'm the only one working on it. I'm the only one that does this stuff around the house. I'm the only one that hasn't gotten to go after my own dreams and goals. I want you to think twice. I want you to take a deep breath and I want you to think about what's actually going on, because a lot of times you're seeing only what you're looking for. So if you're looking for the fact that you've been sacrificing and you're the martyr, then you're gonna find proof of that, of course. So I want you to take a step back, look at it again from a different perspective, be open to sharing your feelings and thoughts with your spouse and also to seeing their perspective, because it's probably different than yours. So that's how you combat kind of that martyr mentality.

Speaker 1:

So that's the second thought pattern that we get stuck in that keeps us miserable. And then the third and final thought pattern that keeps us stuck and miserable that I'm gonna be talking about today is this we're too busy to invest in our relationship, and I get this all the time when I talk to couples who come to me and they feel like they've lost that loving feeling or their marriage isn't as strong as they want it to be. I'll ask them are you dating? And I'll say, oh no, we're so busy. Or I have a Facebook group and I often ask people when they join my Facebook group is what is the biggest thing you're struggling with in your marriage, or what would you like to learn from me about marriage? And a lot of times they'll say we don't have time or how to juggle all the things in our life, or we're just too busy to work on our relationship.

Speaker 1:

Now, that is definitely a thought pattern that keeps people stuck and miserable, and the truth is is that we all have the exact same 24 hours in a day, right? It doesn't matter how much money you have, it doesn't matter how many followers you have on social media, how powerful you are or what your job is every single one of us, living, breathing humans on earth we all have the exact same amount of time in the day. Nobody gets preferential treatment here, right? So to say we're too busy, or our kids are too young, or we're too involved in this or that to invest in our relationship is really a cop out, because when you start to look at your calendar, the truth is is you have a lot more control over where you spend your time than you really think. So if I were to look at your calendar and your to-do list, I would get a pretty good idea of what you value. Most people make time for dentist appointments and meetings with clients and volunteering at their kids' school. Right, you're going to put your important things that you can't miss in your calendar. So if I were to look at your calendar, will I see date night every single week? Now, of course, people are going to tell me we have young kids. We don't have money for a babysitter. The truth of the matter is, if you put date night down in your calendar every single week, so three hours out of the 168 hours that every single one of us have, nobody gets more, nobody gets less, right? So you have 168 hours in a week. And if you were to mark off a standing appointment with your partner for three hours every single week, it doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate or far from home.

Speaker 1:

I have tons of cheap or free date night ideas. You can send me a message and ask me for that free download. I've made a list of 102 cheaper, free date night ideas. I made a list of 51 questions you can ask your spouse to get to know them better. You could create a three hour block of time where your kids are watching a movie, or you put them to bed early or they're playing at the neighbor's house, where you could just sit down and ask each other questions. You could make dinner. You could do some fun game together right, there are so many possibilities, but it's not going to happen if you don't prioritize it. You have to just make the decision to invest in your relationship, invest time in your relationship. You have to choose to put date night on the calendar every week. You have to choose to put your partner on your to-do list, meaning, if you have a lot to do and you want to remember to text your spouse and get excited about date night, or pick up something that they might like at the store, or call them in the middle of the day and ask them how their meeting went, or write them a little note of appreciation. There's tons and tons and tons of things that you can do for your spouse. All you have to do is jot yourself a little note on your to-do list and then do it. So when couples tell me that they're too busy, all that means is that they've chosen not to prioritize their relationship.

Speaker 1:

And the danger of this comes in the words of a good friend that I met at a networking event, and usually when you meet somebody for the first time you exchange names and pleasantries, and then when I tell people what I do, I remember she said oh man, when I was in my early 30s and we had small children, I was crossing the street one day with my husband and a bus turned the corner and we had to like scurry across the street, otherwise we would have gotten hit. And later that day my husband said to me if that bus was going to hit us, you would have saved our children and our career and you would have just let me get run over. And it struck her to the core. But as they grew older in their relationship and they started facing challenges like their kids were leaving home and their parents were getting older and they started to have these health scares, she realized that they hadn't put enough time and energy into their relationship and they decided to split up. And she got a little bit teary and she's like I wish I had met you years ago. It might have not been too late.

Speaker 1:

So I tell you that only so that you'll recognize that you can choose right now to prioritize your relationship. You do have that much control over your time or you can choose not to and take your chances that when challenges start to come and you need the strength of that relationship, if you haven't properly invested time, energy, financial resources into your marriage, it might not be able to stand the test of those challenges. So whenever you hear yourself thinking I'm too busy for date night or to connect with my spouse for a couple of minutes or to be intimate with them, I want you to really think about the fact that nobody gets more than 24 hours in a day and you can choose how you spend that 24 hours. So if you're giving everybody else your time, if you're volunteering on several PTAs and you're being the soccer mom and you're coaching all the teams and you're staying late after work and you're not prioritizing date night, then you're choosing to be too busy for your relationship. But with the same amount of energy, you can choose to invest time and energy into your marriage.

Speaker 1:

So that is the third, and I like to call all of these stinking thinking right. All three of these thought patterns are stinking thinking, and so when you find yourself falling into that. If then cycle, or that martyr mentality or that I'm too busy kind of hurriedness, I want you to stop and remember that Monica said these are all preventable thought patterns that are keeping me stuck. Simply go to and there is a way out of it. So if you need help with changing these thought patterns, I want you to book an appointment to talk with me. I do complimentary 30 minute sessions to see if you're a good candidate for marriage coaching Now. I've had the opportunity to coach lots of couples through these different types of mentality and onto a much stronger relationship and a more intimate friendship. That's bulletproof. That stands the test of time. If you're interested in all in that type of coaching there, you will be able to fill out a simple form and book a 30 minute consultation with me. So thank you guys so much for joining me.

Speaker 1:

If you think this episode would be helpful to any other couples that you love, be sure to share it. You can do that by clicking on, like the three little dots, and they'll be like a share episode. Or you can go to iTunes and leave me a rating and review that helps others find this content and we will be here next week same time, same place and until then, have courage, be kind and stay on the brighter side. If you had as much fun as we did just now, I hope that you'll head over to your favorite podcast player and leave a rating and review for the show or share it on social media. That's how other people can find this awesome content and we can spread the message that happily ever after is possible. Feel free to check out my website, monnecatannercom, to find out more ways you can work with me and, as always, thank you so much for spending this time with me. We'll see you next week.